Trips away

[Lovelilies]

Would you say it is reasonable for one person in a couple (with young DCs) to travel to India and Australia on different trips at least once a year, without his/her partner or kids?
It is to visit relatives.
Just wondering if IBU?

Actually without kids is fine. Let him bog off and see his family.

YANBU especially if money is tight and it all goes on his holidays, leaving you and dc without. If his db comes over to UK a few times a year why can't he just meet up with him then? And you really don't need to visit uncles, cousins etc every year - why can't he skype/communicate another way? Sounds like he's just trying to get a few kid free holidays abroad using you as free childcare...

I don't think it's fair if it means no one else can have a holiday, nor if it costs you your annual leave.

We spoke on the phone last night.
He also wants to do a medical camp in India, just for 5 days.
I said that willhave to wait, we have young DC but he has wanted to do it for ages apparently (!)
I've said we should all go to oz (calling his bluff) and. He said 'but I'd be staying with them and you don't get on',. But also said he won't go if I don't want him to.
I can see where this is going.
He thinks I'm getting my knickers Ina twist over nothing.

How stable is your relationship and how committed is he to you and your family unit? It doesn't sound like he wants to make you and the DC his priority. I would be wary about building a life with this guy as his actions seem like those of some-one who isn't family focused and wants to live a single guy lifestyle. His actions just don't come across like some-one who has your and the kids best interests at heart.

That's what I'm worried about. We don't even live together yet!
Whenever I talk about my concerns, he says I'm being high maintenance, or laughs, or promises the world.
I have said I don't want to hold him back, but all these things don't fit with our family. He's obsessed with making money (for security) and hankering after doing more courses/ working away/ research/ business ventures, and I seriously CBA with it all. I just want a 'normal' life.

Can his family - dbro at least - come here to visit him? Does he always have to visit them?

I have a friend who lives in New Zealand, and she saves hard and comes home to visit once every 3 years. This gives her enough money to also have family holidays with her DH and DC in between coming home to England. Every other year her dm goes out to New Zealand to visit her, and in between they Skype a lot. This is normal behaviour imo, op.

I think he is massively taking the piss here, tbh.

Don't even bother moving in together. He's not even partner material, never mind father material. He is disrespectful to you.

The amount he and his family would spend on visiting their relatives in India would be much better just given to the family, to get them out of intense poverty! It's nice to see relatives, but a hell of a lot nicer to have your bills paid.

This man thinks he's single, OP. He's only considering himself in everything he does. I wouldn't live with him and I'd be chasing him for child support.

I think ImperialBlether has it.

Thank you for all your replies.
I will put off (forever?) moving back in with him and stay as we are with the DC.
I always get my hopes up and then he behaves like this! And can justify it all that it's for the children, for a big house for us etc

I'm dreading telling him.

How does he explain visiting his family without you and spending that money as being for the children /big house etc??

I wouldn't dread telling him! Why on earth would you want to live with someone as selfish as this?

He can phrase it all in a way that sound like he's not BU.
I end up looking like the bad guy that won't 'let' him do things.
We all end up working everything around him and I'm sick of it. To me, the DC come first, mainly because if they're happy, everyone has a better time!

Look, you don't need his permission! Just tell him, "We want different things. We're not going to be happy because I think you're selfish and you think I'm restricting you. Let's just stay friends and parent from different houses. Oh and this doesn't mean we're still a couple, so don't expect a sexual relationship."

I need to say that.
But I'm pathetic and he'll argue black is white and he'll promise the moon 😒
TBH I wish he'd bog off to Australia too 😂