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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My son's behaviour and his dad

26 replies

Sugerbones · 08/03/2007 10:42

I posted about this a few months ago but it's escalated slightly and would like some advice. About 2 months ago my 6 year old son got on top of my 8 year old son and started bobbing up and down, I asked him what he was doing and he said "I'm having sex". I got cross and asked him where he'd heard and seen that and he said "at dad's". My 8 year old then told me that his dad's girlfriends 10 year old son had done the same to him and my younger son when they were there on their weekend visits.

I was going to talk to his dad but I decided to leave it and just talk to my son about why it was wrong.

Anyway today on the way to school my 6 year old's friend fell over and my son jumped on him and did it again telling his friends mother that they were having sex. luckily I'd told her of what had happened before so she was quite understanding but still shocked...as was I that he'd done it again.

I've now decided to talk to his dad but it's not going to go down well, his girlfriend dislikes me at the best of times so when I mention her son she's going to react badly and it will probably cause a row but surely I shouldn't just leave it? am I doing the right thing in talking to his dad?

I'm worried that if he does it at school they will get the social services involved I can't seem to get through to him to stop.

OP posts:

InTheHouse · 08/03/2007 10:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Tortington · 08/03/2007 10:57

you cant get him to stop ?

how about this?

" stand up straight right now, hands behind your back. DO NOT SPESK when i am speaking. yourecently been imitating sex. you know this is causing embarrassment for me yet you still chose to do this. as a punishment you will spend this evening in your room and i wiithdraw all your toys. If you EVER EVER delieratley embarrass me infront of people again you will be in serious trouble ARE. WE. CLEAR? sex and things of a sexual nature are for adults not children."

then phone the dad and tell him to keep his cock in his pants around YOUR kids or YOU will phone social services - if he cant keep his sexual practices away from YOUR CHILDREN then maybe he isn;t a fit father.

and fuck the girlfriend

rowan1971 · 08/03/2007 11:02

I can see that it must be pretty embarrassing and annoying for you, but I'm sure that lots of kids that age are starting to get interested in sex - he won't be alone. Have you had the good old facts of life chat with him yet? Try to make it all sound as boring and totally unremarkable as possible? He's probably realised that he can get a 'rise' out of you by doing this and that might be one cause of his behaviour. If/when you do talk to the dad/girlfriend, I'd suggest trying to keep things as lighthearted as possible, and acknowledge the possibility that your DS might have got the wrong end of the stick somehow - just to save their faces if nothing else.

Not sure if stick metaphor is the best one to use here, but what the heck.

Original poster

Sugerbones · 08/03/2007 11:03

Thing is he's only 6, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have a clue what I was on about even if I did have "The talk" with him.

OP posts:

rowan1971 · 08/03/2007 11:06

Sure, no need to go into gory details, but if he's imitating sexual behaviour, he might be genuinely confused about what it's 'for'. You could try just saying something like 'yes dear [bored tone], that's how grown-ups make babies, but it's not something that children your age do'.

Tortington · 08/03/2007 11:13

hes doing it to embarrass you - he doesnt know why - but he knows he does - he sees your reaction - tell him to PACK IT IN!

IamBlossom · 08/03/2007 13:47

ooooh, Custardo i like the hands behind your back thing, I'm going to use that with my DSs when they are a bit bigger. [Files under discipline techniques.]

Callisto · 08/03/2007 14:01

I like Custardo's approach too - a shock to the system might be the thing to stop him doing it again. And you have to talk to your ex about it asap, don't take any shite or fob offs and as Custardo says f**k the girlfriend as it has sod all to do with her.

chestnutter · 08/03/2007 14:18

Agree you should def speak to their Dad, but I would think a bit more before shouting at your kids about it. Obviously they can see it gets a reaction from you but they don't understand why you're so embarrassed by it. I would sit down with them at a quiet time and explain the birds and the bees - starting with why you're bringing it up now - and then come on to why it's not appropriate to act out this behaviour in public (i.e. because it's a special thing that mummies and daddies do). I'm all for discipline but if you shout at them about this I'd be worried about giving them 'issues' about sex before they even embark on their sex lives!

Tortington · 08/03/2007 15:06

no need to shout at all. in fact the opposite stern voice needn't necessarily mean raised voice.

sandydut · 08/03/2007 15:34

Custardo

You are unreal - have just commented on another of your ideas on the parenting forum. Now this....
you cant get him to stop ?

how about this?

and fuck the girlfriend

I can guarantee you your suggestion will give the poor boy a serious hang up about sex - I cannot believe you are for real.

At his young age this is NOT the way he should be treated!

Sandy

Piffle · 08/03/2007 15:38

I'm sorry I'm with Custy in the main
How would a 6 yr old know about sexual movements without being exposed
And he should not be being exposed to it.

It is a serious behaviour and could land the family in a SS probe.
Address is firmly with your ds
Address it firmly and hit it home with a sledgehammer to your ex.

DetentionGrrrl · 08/03/2007 15:42

of course a chat with Dad is needed, as is a chat with the boy. But custardo's approach (seriously?!) isn't one i'd take.

I think:

'I know that you don't understand what you're doing properly, but it's not appropriate. Please don't do it again, or you'll get sent to bed / no TV / whatever is discipline in your house'

time for sex education aswell maybe? To a level he'd understand?

Tortington · 08/03/2007 15:47

maybe sandy you would like to comment in a constuctive way - a way in which we may all comment on how you would handle the situation. As well as being the point of mumsnet - to have various POVs from which to choose - it might just help the op?

just a thought.

and i dont know what your reading - but i think whateveris popping into your head is more of an indication about you rather than what i actually posted.

just as a nother poster attributed shouting to what i had posting - when i never said to shout at all.

yes i am for real - i have three teenagers and you can search my previous posts on mumsnet

Tortington · 08/03/2007 15:50

"I was going to talk to his dad but I decided to leave it and just talk to my son about why it was wrong. "

she has talked to him. ...remember.

noddyholder · 08/03/2007 15:52

Kids do silly things at that age I would just leave it They will get bored and be on to the next silly joke Thats boys

Tortington · 08/03/2007 15:54

but someone may come knockng if he is reported bu another parent for inappropriate sexual behaviour.

ernest · 08/03/2007 16:01

I hardly think a stern voice telling a 6 yr old to stop humping anyone lying prostrate is going to give him sexual hang ups for the rest of his life! Telling him sex is disgusting and terrible might. As might observing daddy and girlfriend at it.

It may well teach him to stop humping. And stop other general embarrassing misbehaviour.

OMG, seriously, he must've seen his dad and girlfriend at it, that's not 100% but certainly the most likey explanation. You've really got to talk to ex. Surely girlfriend would want to know, so she can make sure the bloody door is shut next time if nothing else. yuk

batters · 08/03/2007 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Callisto · 08/03/2007 16:24

'I can guarantee you your suggestion will give the poor boy a serious hang up about sex'. You are joking of course, Sandydut?

Blu · 08/03/2007 16:28

I thought from reading this before that it was the gf's 10 year-old who had taught them to do this? And 10 year olds could get it from kids at school...it isn't necesssarily indicative of them having seen the Dad and gf having sex.

I do think it is reasonable to firmly tell the child that it is not polite behaviour, and must stop.

ScoobyDooooo · 08/03/2007 16:31

Sorry but i agree with custy, i would also have the stern talk with him very soon because if he goes around school doing this Ss will be called like someone else has said.

Also i would not care what your ex's girlfriend has to say i would be straight on the phone explaining what is happening & say it needs to be sorted & stopped.

batters · 08/03/2007 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 08/03/2007 16:35

Yes, it would be considered a child protection issue if it happens in school. At least to the ppint where they want to talk to you about an explanation.
And his Dad needs to be holding the same consistent line that you do over it.

Freckle · 08/03/2007 16:58

Do your ex and his girlfriend live together? And presumably her son lives with her? If so, then a serious talk with your ex is required and a demand that the son is spoken to quite severely. At 10 he knows that what he is doing is wrong.

If they don't live together, then I'd say that your children don't visit when the g/friend's son is there.

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