Advising others on their relationships. Is it ever a good idea?

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My brother has been married for a little less than 3 years but he recently admitted that the last 6 months have been mostly awful. He has been studying very hard for exams and has been under a lot of pressure which hasns't helped but the main problems seem to lie in his marriage. He and his wife just haven't been getting on at all lately: DB says she is "nasty" to him a lot of the time and is forever out with friends, most of whom he doesn't know. An example is that recently she was out, supposedly with some friends from work and late in the evening she sent my DB a text to say she would not be coming home as she had decided to stay with a friend (male).

Anyway, last week they went on holiday, she admitted to having an affair, my DB is pretty gutted but said more or less immediately that their marriage was over as she was not the person he thought she was and that he would find it too difficult to trust her again. A few days later, she is ringing him, asking to try again, saying how sorry she is. My DB and I are pretty close ad he has been phoning a lot over the last few days to talk and ask my opinion and advice. Problem is, although I want to support him, I don't know whether its my place to suggest what he should or shouldn't do. What if they get back together. Should I be completely honest with him and tell him what I really think of his wife (which is that she is quite a nice person (usually) but very shallow and demanding constant attention and that they are not really suited!) Or should I back off and say as litle as possible? I think maybe there's a danger of me and the rest of our family becoming too involved as we are all pretty angry and upset on his behalf. What do you think?

I think you have to be careful as there are always two sides to a story. I am always giving too much advise because I get carried away and want to help and solve other peoples problems. If you say too many negative things about his wife and they sort things out, you might end up looking bad as you have said all these things.
I think you can give advise and help him to see different options open to him on how to solve his problems, but really people need to decide how much they can accept in their relationship themeselves. Remember, it might be fine for him to critizise her, but if you say you never really liked her, you are also criticizing his choice of partner and perhaps judgement of other people. It might sound a bit like "I told you so".

Thanks Fairymum! I'm being really careful not to make any negative comments about his wife for all the reasons you stated. Its so hard though, as I really don't want him to be hurt any more than already

I think if he is asking then you should be honest and tell him. It would be different if he was keeping a low profile about it but it sounds like he really does need a sounding board.

You could start it off by stating that it is your opinion and at the end of the day, any decision he makes is his alone and whatever he decides you will love him anyway. At least you would rest easy knowing that you gave your opinion.

The best piece of advice I was ever given was by my mother. She said it's always useful to listen to advice, you don't need to take it but if it is given freely then you have nothing to lose by listening.

Best of luck

My brother is in a difficult realtionship, but I have never said a bad word about his gf. The reason for that is I was married to a complete tosser for a few years, and it never made our relationship any easier that the whole of my family were set against him.

Even when I left him, it was difficult for me to discuss my feelings, because they were so biased against him. I listen to my brother when he wants to talk and have a good moan about his gf, but I'm always friendly to the both of them, and even though my parents won't have her in their house, they are always welcome at mine.

Also, IMHO I would go to a friend if I wanted honesty, family should be there to support rather than pass judgement.

i think (having been through a divorce) that offering people the chance to talk is always well received, but advice is a difficult area. I found those friends who were willing to listen ,and non-judgmental were the most helpful in the long term. In particular (I'm certainly not saying this is true for you - you are very sensitive to this from your post), people were very keen to tell me to move house/not move house, change job/ change schools etc, etc. I found that I could only share openly my thoughts with people who seemed to be open-minded, and who discussed the options with me to help me along, but didn't try to advise. Good luck - your brother is lucky he has somebody who is so sensitive and careful.

Thank you. Have just had an email from said brother who said that he spent last night with his wife and that after a lot of tears, he doesn't feel he can spend the rest of his life with someone so needy and lacking in self-esteem. He says he feels really selfish but that being with someone who needs to be centre stage all the time but cannot cope with life's everyday pressures is too much for him to handle. I guess his wife's affair was a way of seeking attention/approval. There are no children involved so if it isn't going to work betwen them, I guess the time to split should be now. At least he has come to this decision himself without everyone having their say, so for that, I am grateful. Still very sad though Thanks again for the advice.