Anyone had a 'revenge' affair?

[FritzDonovan]

(I know 'revenge' isn't the right word though...)
Having read a related current thread, was wondering if anyone who found out their OH cheated had an affair /ons or similar themselves and told OH? Or even just said they had, without actually having done it. How did OH respond or deal with it? What were your motivations? Did it make or break the relationship?

I may be having a bit of a mid life crisis right now, but after many years of total faithfulness I'm wondering why I shouldn't have had some nice times with other ppl , when I now know OH wasn't on the same page as me all along, iyswim. It's almost as if I want him to feel as bad as I often do, knowing he had someone else in mind, and wonder if he would stick around if the tables were turned. Not expressed very clearly, sorry!

I haven't been in this situation but if it were me I think I'd leave the relationship in order to be with someone else. Just as exciting but you get to keep the moral high ground?

I think guilt would have eaten me up, I don't think OH would have coped either.
Funny how it's not the same if the roles are reversed, Lots. Yes, I still don't get the 'how could you do it and still love me'...How did he deal with reassuring you over this bit? Are you still together? (Don't worry if you'd rather not say :) )

Fritz, we are still together, it was 2 half years ago. It was a ONS, he was consumed with guilt and still is. Thing is I used to see him as so strong and me as weak, now I realise the reverse is true.

He regrets his choice. At the time we were going through a rough patch, I felt unloved, he felt unloved. The opportunity arose, he was drunk, she was drunk she stroked his ego and he validated it by telling himself that lots didn't want him so why not. It was not a planned thing. I could have got over the ONS much more readily if he had told me the truth straight away.

6 weeks after he blurted it out, after becoming increasingly weird (guilt and confusion he said). He then followed the script telling me he met someone he liked but nothing happened, one kiss but nothing else etc etc.

Am I over it, no not completely. It's getting better bit by bit, I am getting stronger bit by bit. In some ways our relationship is better than it had been for years, in other ways it will never be the same again.

I couldn't, even if I thought they deserved it; I think you are either built to cheat or you are not; I'm not, no matter how bad my relationship got that would not be the answer to it in my mind; in fact, it would make me even less likely if he had; I'd never forgive an affair though, perhaps a ONS but never a planned out betrayal to go behind my back; that sure isn't love in my book.

I did. However, I did tell my (now ex) partner that I didn't want to continue the relationship beforehand. He, being the abusive, nasty bastard that he is decided to ignore this both at the time and after. I couldn't possible be serious

I had a ONS. Stupidly, this was unprotected and I fell pregnant with the guy. I later married him and we're very, very, very happy with further DCs too. No regrets. He, and that night, utterly saved me.

I am still very broken and damaged by my ex's multiple cheating episodes though. I will never, ever subject my DH to that. If he ever did it to me I'd just be gone. (In every possible way I think).

It seemed tempting from time to time about one year in. It was tempting because I felt reduced by H's affair, I felt worthless and I thought an affair would boost my worth in my own eyes. Clearly a stupid and rather pathetic idea. I finally realised that my worth had to come from me, not H or some other man.

If I had wanted to have an affair to hurt H I guess it would have worked quite well - but I didn't want to hurt him and I'd seen the chaos one affair causes to a family let alone two.

Iran, yes exactly, to feel sexy and desirable to others, I was about year in too. I have done so much since then that has made me feel good and empowered, for example taking up kick boxing, I don't neec that validation.

My main feeling now is dissapointment, both his behaivour and how we let ourselves drifting apart.

Yes I did when I found out about his affair , I thought it would even things up in my mind and I'd be able to save our family from being broken. It didn't, it just opened a whole can of worms and made me realise what I'd been missing for 16 years, there was no way I could've gone back to the boring sex apart from anything else...so we split. It's been a heart breaking journey but I'm with a wonderful guy who makes me much happier than my ex ever did.

My exH admitted sleeping with prostitutes during our marriage, while I was pregnant with DD1, and then had an emotional affair with an exGF.

In the aftermath I became very close to someone at work, and it turned into an affair. For me it was a case of repairing my self esteem somehow, for him he fell for me & wanted me to leave my ex.

In the end I patched things up with exH for a while, but the damage was done & we ended up divorcing.

Whilst I know my behaviour wasn't excusable, condonable etc I look back on that time & know that it was possibly the only time I was truly loved by someone

I look back on that time & know that it was possibly the only time I was truly loved by someone
I totally get that. In a way, once one person has cheated it makes me think they should be accepting of the other doing so too, for the reasons pp are mentioning- self esteem, etc. Although I'm not planning on it, it would be lovely to feel completely loved, but if you know that your partner was willing to cheat on you, how can you ever feel that again with this person?
bowtie glad it worked out for you! Bet your ex regretted his cheating when it made you realise how lacking he was!

I did, and it turned out to be my transitional relationship. It made me realise how crap my life had become and how much shit I was putting up with. I ended my marriage about a year into my (mainly emotional) affair. The OM was amazing and also a complete twat, but it gave me the strength to act in the sure knowledge that I didn't have to put up with it any more. I was single for a while, and then met someone who blew my mind. We're still together two years on, and it still feels like every day is a new adventure.

Not sure anyone will read this but it is time I confessed.

On-line. Cheesedick, I know. That one site that got people busted a few years ago. Totally ew. But did it anyway. His affairs (yes, multiple) destroyed me. Like I didn't know who I was anymore; I tried being "perfect" at everything-including the sex. He still blamed me for his choices and told me if I had been "better" he wouldn't have strayed. Tried couple's counselingwhat a waste of time and money. I should have just gotten drunk, which I also did--a lot.

What drew me to the OM was how nice he was to me. I KNOW it was TOTALLY FAKE. But he was nicer to me in email that my DH had been in over a DECADE. DH was always angry at medeflecting from his guilt and shame but it was so demoralizing. I stayed upright due to my kids' needs but when I was alone and it was quiet, I knew something was wrong with our marriage. He would disappear for hours and then, just as quick as a snap, accuse me of cheating. Gaslighting at its finest. I didn't defend myself by telling him to jerk offnope! I shrank smaller and smaller inside until there was almost nothing left--which is what made me vulnerable to my deepest fears of inadequacy and being less than.

The first one was pretty; they were an item before we met and he went to her home one night to "see if she'd let him play", which of course, she did. He lied about her and their chance meeting.

The second one was a show stopper--post baby tune up and lots of time on her hands. They snuck around right under my nose; we'd have a date in the afternoon and he'd go "visit" his "parents" at night. 3500 texts and 3800 minutes on the phone in 1 month. 36 photo texts. I paid the bill and thought nothing of it. What a sap. Sister's best friend. So cliche.

The third one was an emotional affair; he felt guilty about the second one so he spent the next 6 years ignoring me and our kids. All the while I was taking care of kids, business, family members, social obligations and all our finances.

I ate my feelings.

May 2017 came and I finally had enough. He confessed on our bed after I told him I deserved the truth. He spent the next year telling me his affairs were my fault and that if I'd only been able to give him what he wanted (crazy monkey sex), he never would have cheated.

I lost 40 lbs in 3 months.

May 2018 I met my person online.

June 2018 I ended my online contact.

9 July 2018 I told my husband that I wanted a divorce.
10 July 2018 my DH started intensive individual therapy. Still attending.

My point in all of this is that the choice I made shames me. Not because I emailed with some other man. I am shamed because I let another person tell me I was defective because HE was defective. I believed I had no right to freedom, feelings or/and being loved because the man I loved said so. That is the real shame.

If you are thinking about having a revenge affair, seek individual counseling first. If, after you confess your desire truthfully, you still want to, give yourself permission to be human. It is the least we can do.