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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Slept with my friend? Please advise!

49 replies

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 20:48

We've been friends for around 8 years, im 34 he's 29. I think that he used to like me at the beginning of our friendship but at the time i just didnt really see him in that way but loved him as a friend. Over time I didnt see him as much and he got a girlfriend and I became involved with someone else too. However we always stayed in touch and he stops by to see me every now and then. Im no longer with my boyfriend and have been single for the past two years.
Anyway he called over to see me the other night. And as we were talking I realised how much we do have in common, we always really enjoy our conversations together. Well we were drinking wine, I had quite a bit more than him...the next thing I knew he moved over to me and then stuff happened between us. We didnt have sex but it was close. The next morning we woke up still hugging and it was nice.
He messaged me later in the day after he left and we were talking as usual.
The thing is now after thats happened Im thinking of him in a different way and think I have more romantic feelings towards him. But we havent discussed anything and Im too shy to bring it up really, I dont know what to do about this. Should I just keep quiet? Is it likely that he just isnt interested in me that way?
The other issue is that he does have a girlfriend. He always says she talks to him like crap and doesnt treat him well, but then again its his choice to have stayed with her so long. She has asked him to move in with her but he says he isnt sure and doesnt really want to, he says he only sees her every couple of weeks. But obviously this is a big issue and an obstacle.
Any advice would be welcome, as Im feeling so confused about everything.

OP posts:

PeachyImpeachment · 03/04/2017 01:15

^ this

Orcagirl · 03/04/2017 09:00

I have a different POV-

My friend had a gf of 3 years- he too came round one evening and we had an evening similar to yourself but we just kissed. Had been friends for years.

I felt guilty as he had a gf but he broke up with her the next day saying it had made him realise his true feelings for her (and me). We got married and have 4 children together 😬

It could be the start of something but definitely no more boundary crossing until you know what his intentions are.

GrumpyOldBag · 03/04/2017 09:06

I agree with Orcagirl.

This wasn't a random one night stand, it was someone you know very well. Many long-term relationships often begin like this.

You need to discuss your true feelings with each other. If he thinks you have a romantic future together, and you want to try too, he needs to dump his gf before you take it any further.

I th

GrumpyOldBag · 03/04/2017 09:07

And if he has been texting you that seems like a positive sign. he's probably hoping you'll mention it!

Original poster

gaynor83 · 03/04/2017 10:22

I dont think it was just a random one nighter either, it didnt feel that way at the time anyhow. I guess I would like to be able to explore a relationship with him, but obviously he would have to be single.
Im afraid to text him what ive been feeling in case I then lose him as a friend. Im sure I could just keep things as they are and act like nothing happened but thats not really what I want to do.
To be honest even though Im 34 I feel very inexperienced in relationships, Ive had a few boyfriends but nothing worked out and I just usually prefer to stay single. It seems easier!
I was thinking maybe I should sit tight and see if he tries to arrange to meet up again and take it from there. There might be a more natural opportunity to discuss?
But yes definitely no more boundary crossing. I think he should end it with his girlfriend if he really isnt happy. He has been with her for 5 years or so.

OP posts:

Original poster

gaynor83 · 03/04/2017 10:22

It would be lovely if it worked out like it did for you Orcagirl!

OP posts:

Nipplesunited · 03/04/2017 10:50

If you did lose him as a friend over expressing your feelings, when he made the move. Would you really be bothered?

Why dont you ask if he fancies meeting up again and then you can speak to him in person.

Original poster

gaynor83 · 03/04/2017 11:10

yeah thats a good point. I guess if that were the case it would be no great loss.
Hes away at uni working on his assignments this week but he did mention he would be back at the weekend. If I dont hear from him I will drop him a text nearer to then.

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 03/04/2017 12:10

Putting aside the rights and wrongs, he almost certainly needs to know where you stand now too so don't be afraid to talk about it, one of you is going to have to raise the subject!

When you do just bee clear about what you are happy with and what you're now (i.e. you don't want to be an FWB bit on the side)

DanDanDanDanDan · 03/04/2017 13:20

I hate to state the obvious here, but you already shagged him. The ship has sailed over letting him know you "like like" him.

Despite both of you being friends for 8 years and having never previously done so ... you both took that risk. Sounds to me like he'd be at least open to the possibility and if not he'd still be willing to be friends with you if you said you might have feelings if he could after you'd had sex

DanDanDanDanDan · 03/04/2017 13:22

Op has already said she won't go further if her friend stays with his gf, I can't see what the problem is with saying she cares about him?

theyre not married or even living together. She's not a home wrecker.

Adora10 · 03/04/2017 17:31

Not a great start, him cheating on his GF and you knowing he has one; he doesn't sound that great to me.

But, I know things can happen when alcohol is put in the mix but you need to decide what it is you want as being the OW is clearly not a position you want to fill.

Sorry but in my book, cheating is never ok regardless of the circumstances.

DonaldStott · 03/04/2017 17:49

Funny how these 'jealous types' usually have good reason to be

This exactly.

Yes I wonder what causes this unwarranted jealousy?

Hmmm maybe the fact that her boyfriend has female friends he keeps secret and could be the fact that he dry humps secret female friends.

Dozer · 03/04/2017 17:58

If he's never socialised with you with his gf it's likely he's always regarded you as a sexual interest, not a friend.

Original poster

gaynor83 · 03/04/2017 18:52

Yeah that's possible Dozer. Does that change the situation?

So much good advice here!
Hopefully he will bring the subject up before long and we can discuss where we both stand. I think he'd let me know if he was interested in pursuing anything?
Think il wait it out for a little while.
I won't be involved in any more cheating either, don't want it going that way.
There are no kids involved,he isn't married and doesn't live with her.

OP posts:

DonaldStott · 03/04/2017 19:08

He is lying to you about his relationship with his girlfriend, so he can get into your knickers. And it worked didn't it!

He only sees her every couple of weeks yet she has asked him to move in with her? What a crock of shit.

Wouldn't trust this 'gentleman' as far as I could throw him.

All I can see in the future, is you getting shat on from a great height.

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a creep.

Dozer · 03/04/2017 19:10

Badmouths his gf, repeatedly. Cultivates separate female "friend"(s). Cheats on his gf.

Not someone likely to be a good boyfriend.

Nipplesunited · 03/04/2017 23:28

Gaynor - i hope you manage to have a good think about what your true feelings are around this. Its easy, i think, to get caught up into a whirlwind after an experience like that. Its triggered emotions which are continuing to fester and play around in your head until you are able to explore them with him.

I think all you can do in this situation is go for it. Bring it up and talk to him about it. It can only go one way or the other and whichever way that is, it will ease everything in your mind and allow you to move forward.

DanDanDanDanDan · 04/04/2017 06:29

If he has been cultivating the op as a potential sex partner... he's certainly playing the long game! Someone should introduce him to tinder

picklemepopcorn · 04/04/2017 06:37

Try a different message:
It was lovely to see you the other night, and we had a great time, but I feel really guilty about your GF. I'm not going to run round behind someone's back, so as much as I like you, we need to cool it off.

Dozer · 04/04/2017 08:43

Plenty of men are happy to play the "long game" and enjoy "friendship" with an edge while in a relationship.

Dozer · 04/04/2017 08:46

If you "go for it" and all goes swimmingly, he falls into you arms. you'll likely have Qs in your mind about his treatment of his ex.

Or you could "go for it" and he will stay with gf, having had an ego boost, or split up with her but say he doesn't want anything serious, and mess you around.

IHeartDodo · 07/04/2017 13:07

any update?

Original poster

gaynor83 · 07/04/2017 14:01

No update...I haven't heard any more from him in the past couple days. So it's still a bit up in the air. I havent dared send him anything about how I feel. And I'm not even really sure how I do feel. Still feel like I would like to talk but hey. He's meant to be coming home this weekend. I don't know whether to contact casually or what. Well we are mates so I'm sure we'll eventually see each other.
I feel a but more chilled now some time has passed though.

OP posts:

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