What can I do? Can I refuse to let my husband in?

[QuickDesperateNamechange]

I need some quick advice, my husband is on his way home and is drunk. He's had an ongoing problem with binge drinking which he's been trying to address. I've told him I don't want to see him in that condition and not to come home today. He's with his brother and they've been away for the weekend. I've told him to either stay away for another night or to go with his brother to his mum's and we can talk tomorrow.

He's insisting they're both coming here (as was the original plan, but not pissed up).

I've said I will not willingly let them in. Where do I stand? It's a joint mortgaged house. We're both professionals, he's quite a senior lawyer in his firm, I don't want to cause trouble and embarrassment if he turns up here, I was hoping he'd quietly go elsewhere until he was in a suitable state for discussion.

Should also add I've got a history of depression and anxiety (lightly medicated) and day to day I'm great at the moment but things like this rock me and right now it's got quite extreme - I feel like I'm on the edge of a more serious episode / breakdown, I can recognise the feelings.

What can I do? Got 2 young DCs upstairs so leaving the home isn't an option.

Yeah the violence would 100% change my position on this, hadn't seen that info when I posted.

Fucking scumbag

Keep out of his way tonight. Ring Women's Aid and start formulating an exit plan. You may not have to leave, but it may make you feel more in control in future if you've got a plan in place.

He's going to do the usual and make out I'm mental

Why are you with someone whose 'usual' is to make out you're mental?

Time to get rid. He has placed you in a state of fear and alarm and that itself is not acceptable. We on this thread with you are worrying for you so that is one woman in the house and several women in all sorts of places have been caused worry. He is not acceptable. He is a senior lawyer?? He is bringing disrepute on his profession. He would be a fine show if he landed in the cells. Don't hesitate to call police if you feel scared or he starts any nonsense.

Consider getting yourself some of this paint spray. It's absolutely legal, the police will tell you so. It's meant to be used in a situation where you need to get away from an attacker; it's designed to distract them long enough for you to do that. If you get them in the face with it, it will disable them until they can at least see. It's ultra sticky and trying to rub it off makes it stickier, lasts about a week on the attacker, and is bright red.

It works, I've used it. The belt pouch is a good idea, if he threatens you, you need to be able to get at the can straightaway. I put mine on my bag strap when I'm out.

You need to get away from him. Look after yourself, OP. Take care.

Thanks for the link Tabby - I'm ordering some of this for myself and my daughter.

I didn't even know it existed, so your link has been very helpful (normally I carry a mini hairspray, but this is better).

Oh op l am so sorry for your situation...it sounds quite scary, l hope you are Ok.

Can l just say all your anxiety and mental health issues are coming from this relationship...please find a way out.

At a very least he is insensitive but tbh if he excuses his behaviour by blaming you it shows he is an immature idiot.

Have you considered separation?

Thank you for your posts. I'm going to start looking into my options so that I have a back up plan / exit strategy should I need it.

Sorry I hit post too soon.

I've had a really disturbed night, when he insisted on coming to sleep in our room at about midnight, I went off to sleep on the floor of DC's room. It was uncomfortable on the floor so I didn't sleep much, then he came in there at 3am to tell me to come back through to our own room. He woke up eldest DC doing this so I couldn't very well argue about it. But then he kept stroking me and saying that he needed me to tell him everything's ok so I went downstairs to sleep on the sofa. He came down and started doing the same thing. He wouldn't let me be, this went on until 5am before I finally drifted off.

We'll be talking today (I know how this will go, it's the same script every time) but can't really do anything while his brother's here. His mum will be coming to get him at lunch time, but she thinks the sun shines out of their backsides so at best that will be awkward.

I'm not sliding into MH crisis right now, which is what I was most terrified of last night, but I know I need to make a plan now because it's inevitable that this will keep happening.

Thanks again everyone.

Talking will not change an abuser. Please call WA and get some advice to get the hell away from this awful man.

Definately contact www.womensaid.org.uk/ for some advice. He is a lawyer, so well used to manipulating facts, he will possess all of the tricks he needs to gaslight or blame you.

Try to remain calm until you have got all the paperwork you need then go or preferably get him to leave. Ring Womens Aid for advice how to get him to leave and emotional support. Also go to Citizens Advice on your legal rights. If he won't then you need to leave anyway but talk to Women Aid first. It's got to the point where you can no longer bury your head in the sand. You have to face this head on and that means removing yourself from this dangerous situation.
And go to the doctor re your mental health.

Right so there are four active things to do today. Can you get someone to look after the kids?

1. GP
2. Womens Aid
3. Citizens Advice
4. Collect or photocopy all documents such as birth certificates/passports. Copy all his wage slips/investments - anything even vaguely related to finances.

and an extra one

1. Confide in a close friend or family member. Get that RL support if possible.

Once you've admitted it to others it will be easier to do what you know you have to do. For your children if not for yourself. You cannot continue to put yourself in that situation and firefight each new episode. You have to prevent the episodes in the first place.

Good luck

Hi Quick. I do hope you are ok today. I have lived with this problem and also escaped it. Do not listen to those who say it is nothing. Living with a habitual drunk is not nothing. You are right to be worried and also right to be alarmed by this. The most likely thing is that you and your children will be ok but there is also a small chance that your partner is a danger and you have to take this seriously.

You have several options but you do need to get some proper support.

Firstly. There is nothing you can do about the drinking. If he wants to drink he will drink. All you can do are the things that are within your control. Your children need to have one parent who is ok, responsible and reliable. This is a good reason to look after yourself.

If he drinks that is his problem. Let him deal with the natural consequences of that. Do what you would have done anyway when he is drinking. Let him get on with it but keep yourself out of the way if that is what makes you feel better and safe. You don't need to justify that to anyone. Do you have a friend or relative you and the children could stay with when you know he is going out drinking? Can you pay for a hotel? Don't get into a row about this. Just do it for yourself and the kids.

If he has been violent in the past it is likely he will be again. Get support. Contact Women's Aid or Refuge and think seriously about ending the relationship. Put into place strategies that will help keep you and your children safe. If you know he is likely to be drinking go somewhere else. Keep spare car keys hidden. Know a taxi number. Keep an overnight bag packed in an accessible place. Keep cash/card hidden and accessible. I know it is not fair that you are the one that has to move but there is no point in trying to reason with him or fight with him if he is either drunk or thinking about drinking. Don't confuse him with a rational person when he's like this.

Living with a problem drinker is too much for most of us. Contact Al-Anon, the service for family and friends of problem drinkers. They have support groups that might help you to work out how to live you life whether he is drinking or not.

Good luck. Any questions, I will check this page from time to time.
Much love
Wrapped

What is the script that is always "how it goes"?
Maybe we can suggest different ways you could respond that might take it in a different direction?

Quick, I just saw your new post. We were typing at the same time I think. This following you from room to room to 'stroke' you sounds familiar. I used to try to get away from him by sleeping with our toddler and he used to do this. He took away the mattress from the top bunk so I couldn't sleep there. If I tried to sleep on the floor he would wake me. This is extremely controlling behaviour and also, I hope you don't mind me saying this, it crosses your personal physical boundaries, it doesn't respect your space or bodily integrity in a way that is quite rapey. He considers your body to be his, I'd say, in the way my ex did.

It may be that you need time to process the whole situation and won't be able to leave him till you've done that but I do feel strongly that you need to be out of the house when he is drinking.

I want to tell you that once I started to set some boundaries and once I stopped cleaning up (sometimes literally) the mess he made when drunk his behaviour improved for a while and he even tried to stop drinking. However I also want to tell you that this only gave me breathing space and that the flash point is likely to be when you try to leave. Do not announce that you are leaving if this is what you decide to do.

You have to be able to live with any decision you make and it's hard to do this under pressure so maybe take your time but take these signs seriously.

Much love
Wrapped

Thank you, I really appreciate you all taking the time to give advice.

I know that I can't change him, I'm going to work out what to do myself, whatever that will be.

He's already been for help re the alcohol with two separate counsellors over the years. He seems to think he's ticked that box.

The script I referred to is basically:
Repeatedly asking why I'm upset/angry but not understanding the response
Denying the issue, saying there's no problem, saying I'm being too sensitive
Saying he wasn't too bad this time / this time is different because... / it was a special occasion so that makes it ok...
"But I haven't wet the bed / got injured / got lost / stayed out all night / damaged anything for ages so you can't mention that..."
"You know how bad I feel about that (violent episode), that was ages ago, I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about last night"
"Well I'm sorry I came home half an hour late / had two beers / other minor thing" (sarcastic)
"I'm not being funny but have you been remembering to take your tablets?"
At which point I will become upset that yet again he's blaming my MH rather than his drinking, he will say he loves me and doesn't want to throw away what we have and of course I matter more to him than alcohol but he's not doing anything wrong so I should accept it.

It's emotionally exhausting, I'm trying to be detached and cynical about it because I know the pattern now and I've got to stop it from getting me down. I'm still on the ADs that I had to go back on to when his last violent episode triggered me to sink back into a hideous depression. I didn't tell the GP the real reason, I couldn't face it

He's not doing anything wrong and you should accept it?

Each time he gets drunk you should have to accept that this time he might;

a) get violent with you.
b) wet the bed.
c) get injured.
d) be so drunk he doesn't know how to get home.

And that's OK?

If you feel that your marriage is otherwise good - so basically, without alcohol it's good - then now would be the time to issue an ultimatum.

Either the alcohol leaves or he does. For good. He obviously cannot control his intake the way most of us can and, if you can't do that, then you have a problem (him not you).

Oh love
Time to leave.

I suppose you might stop him in his tracks in a conversatin about his behaviour if you just tell him, baldly, how you know it willl go. It might make him think - probably only to come up with a slightly different script which will essentially be the same one - or he might lose his temper.

I suspect that the only safe conversation yo canhave with him is the one where you agree with him. Pointless havin it at all.

If you detach and know that the conversation is pointless, maybe you'll find it less emotionally exhausting?

Definitely time to end things. Make that exit plan. Good luck.

He's making you miserable and taking no responsibility for his drinking problem. It seems like you and the DCs would be better off not living with him.