Are counsellors supposed to say things like this?

[user1476651402]

A few months ago I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought I knew well and although what physically happened wasn’t super “serious” it upset me a lot. I’ve had to keep it a secret from basically everyone I know because of who did it, who is someone I still see a lot, and it’s caused a lot of confusing feelings.

Anyway, I decided to get counselling just to have a space to talk about it. The counsellor was very shocked about what happened and was very vocal about how bad she thought it was and how I should report it. I will never report it - I have my reasons and it’s complicated. I have had counselling before for other issues and my experience is that counsellors let you take the lead and are guided by you. This one wasn’t like that. She was very vocal about the fact that by not reporting it I was putting other women at risk. She also had theories about why he did it and what it meant. Obviously I have thought about that a lot myself but it was quite upsetting to hear, and it wasn’t really based on anything I had told her (I don’t think). She also told me I had “Stockholm Syndrome” - again, based on what? I felt really uncomfortable about what she was saying and how she was saying it and have cancelled further session.

Is this usual when counselling sexual abuse/assault victims? I really do want to talk about it to someone but now I am scared to go to another counselling in case it is the same and makes me feel worse. I already feel guilty enough for not reporting it, but because the situation is so sensitive I really, really can’t.

Thanks.

I'm so sorry this happened to you in the first place and then for a counsellor to say those things to you, is awful.

You are NOT responsible for that person's actions. At all.

Could you speak to your GP and ask for a referral? Or are you in a position to pay for a counsellor of your choosing?

Given the update, I probably would change.

While workplace counselling can be fantastic, and she may well have great qualifications, you don't know and you aren't in a place to check. Also it's largely designed to deal with things like depression and anxiety rather than sexual assault.

I'd either find a Rape Crisis centre and seek counselling there or find a specialist counsellor and pay for it myself, assuming you have the funds to do so.

You then have the reassurance that you are seeing someone who absolutely knows what they are doing about your issues, rather than someone with a more generic practice (my issues are not sexual assault related but I have always seen counsellors with some sort of special interest and relevant qualifications and it is definitely worth it)

To be upfront I have recently made a report to police as a result of being challenged in a different way to this in therapy but I have not done it because I feel if I don't the person will do it again and I'll be responsible. I've done it because it is helping me to move forward productively and because I feel able to cope with the process of reporting.

No-one reports crimes that are not based on abuse because they feel responsible for what the perpetrator may do in the future. They do it because it is a crime and for reasons following on from that perspective. This idea of 'what about the future victims' is only ever mentioned in relation to crimes of a sexual nature IMO and IMO it is a type of victim blaming.

The therapist asked me in the context of group therapy, and in response to things I had shared with the group, to think about who I was prioritising by not wanting to 'get him into trouble'.

I reflected and realised that I was yet again taking on the whole burden of someone else's choices to treat me badly. I gave myself time to reflect on that and I discussed it in private therapy and I decided I would report it.

I found it therefore a really important and caring thing to say to me because it empowered me to look after myself and made me feel absolved of responsibility for his part in what happened.

Thanks, I think I will find another counsellor.

She did tell me that it wasn't my fault it happened, but I have spent months obsessing over this so I can turn any comment into a big deal! I will try to find someone who specialises in treating sufferers of sexual abuse. I don't mind a counsellor being quite interventionist/challenging, but this was too much. It just made me really anxious.

When I started going to counselling, my counsellor told me that she was obliged to report if she thought any of her clients were suicidal and if she was informed of any abuse of children. I can't remember if she would report to the police or her own counsellor?

In the beginning she was very gentle with me, but over time she became quite challenging, which did surprise me, but it did actually help me to become stronger. I wasn't having counselling for any kind of abuse.

OP the counsellor will not tell anyone about you. She can discuss the case in supervision, but as you're not going back, then she probably won't.

As she comes through your organisation, I expect she is with a professions body and you can report the matter should you wish. You can also try requesting another counsellor. I say that because if you were directed there by your employers and you just stop going and the presenting problem still exists (and is impacting on your work), your employers may think you refusing to go is avoidance.