Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Left Me - Don't know where I am

21 replies

SweetBerries · 02/04/2017 05:58

Hi all,

My partner of 4 years and the father of my 1 year old has left me. He said it had been building up pretty much across our whole relationship and has blamed everything from my mental health (I had an eating disorder which I am now recovered from) to everything he gave up for me (he left living with his parents to move around 100 miles to be with me and take a job he didn't really want - though he didn't have one when he left).

He says he is still in love with me and we still sleep together when he comes to my house to look after our son, but he won't go to Relate because he says he doesn't want to cut off the idea of being with someone else at some point in the future. I know he's been texting a girl he works with a LOT recently but he says nothing is going on and he doesn't have any feelings for her. I'm aware I shouldn't even really ask him that but I was sexually assaulted last year and sex is a big deal to me, so I needed to know he wasn't just thinking of someone else.

Anyway, I'm crouched in my bathroom as he sleeps in my bed, crying again. Everything seems lovely when we are together and alone but then he goes back to his sister's house (where he is staying) and he doesn't want to know. I presume because he gets his time alone and to talk to whoever he wants, however he wants.

I'm broken at the moment. He told me yesterday there was no hope of us ever getting back together and that I had coerced him to sleep with me, but then made a move later that night.

I'm so confused and hurt and I don't know how much longer I can carry on being so in love with someone and just feeling inadequate.

OP posts:

roarityroar · 02/04/2017 06:04

Oh you poor thing. You deserve better. It's highly likely that something is going on with this girl and potentially others. He will keep doing this if you let him. It must be so hard - I would advise stop sleeping with him but I know it's sometimes easier said than done.

roarityroar · 02/04/2017 06:05

And you are NOT inadequate. Don't let anyone make you feel that you are.

whattodowiththepoo · 02/04/2017 06:05

He is getting what he wants and knowing it is hurting you but continuing anyway.
He's treating you like shit, cut all contact between you and him and get used to the idea that he is no longer your partner.
This won't be easy but the sooner you start getting this sorted the sooner it will be done.

Original poster

SweetBerries · 02/04/2017 06:11

@roarityroar - I know. I want to look at his phone when he's sleeping but of course, he would know. So I can't. I want to trust him but I obviously don't...I don't think he sees any reason why he should tell me the truth any more as we aren't together. I just can't stop thinking about it and it hurts more than anything I've ever felt.

@whattodowiththepoo - I know. I can't cut off all contact with him as he sees our boy at our (now my) house (he has nowhere else to take him) so he spends time here. I tried to move on and went on a date but it was a disaster and ended up just making me feel 10000 times worse.

OP posts:

GeekyWombat · 02/04/2017 06:14

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You are most definitely not inadequate.

It sounds very much he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's keeping his options open and it's not fair on you. This is not a kind man - anyone who can use your mental health against you this way is a piece of crap and you deserve better.

Set out new terms of engagement. He wants to see your DC? Great! They can go out / to his sisters for a few hours to give you some space and a break. He doesn't get to choose the fun bits of family life (and sex) and then to fuck off and leave.

I know you love him, but someone who treats you this way is unworthy of your love. You deserve better. Please believe that and kick him in to touch - it might make him realise what he's missing, it might not. But it gives you control, not him.

He's not worthy of your tears.

Original poster

SweetBerries · 02/04/2017 06:25

Update: looked at the phone. He's been flirting madly with her. Talking about all manner of things. Lube, whether she's going to miss him when they move teams. He was apologising to her for not going out on Friday night (I went out as it was my night to have a break and he wanted me home early so he could go out...I now find out with her). God I'm in pieces. I've never felt like this in my life and I've been through some things. I haven't wanted to just give up before.

OP posts:

Sickofthisalready · 02/04/2017 07:06

Sweetberries im with you. Got woken this morning by that awful sick feeling in my stomach that just won't go. The pain is indescribable.

Everyone says time will heal you. Im 7 weeks in and feel as lost, destroyed and worthless as I did the day he left. I have the odd strong day, but spend the majority in a trance just crying and wondering what the hell im going to do.

Like another poster told me you will get through it. You have to for your child.

Sending you lots of love xxxx

Trustyourself2 · 02/04/2017 08:27

He's not a good person and you deserve more than he can give you. Just imagine a life without the anxiety and heartbreak he's causing you. He's also deceiving the OW, so that's the dishonest person he is. You don't want that stress in your life. You'll never trust him and he'll always be unfaithful.

It will take time to heal, but it'll be the best thing for you to separate and best for your DC. Don't let him dictate your life. Take back control and have a happy life without having to worry about him and what he's up to. You won't regret it.

Original poster

SweetBerries · 02/04/2017 10:30

Thankyou both. @sickofthisalready I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I hope any posts here may help you too.

OP posts:

Vegansnake · 02/04/2017 10:34

He's having his cake and eating it....don't let him..stop sleeping with him...no more sex. Unless he moves back in and commits to you..but do you really want him? Look at what he is doing to you...he's a twat of the highest order. Making you feel shit..your son needs better than him.

Vegansnake · 02/04/2017 10:38

Hang on ,so he's left you,but it's your problem he has nowhere to see his child.so you are allowing him to come to your house to see his child,where he has sex with you....well it's not your problem he has nowhere to see the child.he should of thought of that before he left you...that's the first thing you need to stop.if he's not there your not able to have sex with him...he needs to sort out what he does with his son..on his access days,not just turn up when he feels like it..

pippasloan · 02/04/2017 10:54

You say you want to trust him...But he says he doesn't want to get back together following all of this. He is having his cake and eating it I'm afraid...Living the bachelor life and still having a home setting with and wife and child to come home to when he feels like it.

You need I take a long hot shower, remember the queen of a woman and mother you are, tell him to stick it and that you are actively taking steps to move forward with your life. If he still wants to be a part of his child's life, then other arrangements should really be made for him to see her...ones that don't require him staying over.

I know it seems impossible now, but everytime this happens or he shows you attention, you are only gratifying an immediate need; not a long term healthy one for you and your little one.

Good luck and we are all here xxxxxx

HappyJanuary · 02/04/2017 13:26

Op, he has made it clear that there is no relationship between you beyond sex when he visits his child.

He is using your home as a convenient place to see his son, and sleeping with you because it is fun and an ego boost. I imagine he is incredulous that he is getting away with it!

He is treating you with utter contempt and disregard; please stop allowing him to do it.

Of course your date was a disaster. You can't move on while the man you really want is still regularly visiting your home and sleeping with you.

Be strong. Tell him the current set up is hurting you and that from now on he can pick up his child at the doorstep. He may be angry that his sweet deal has unravelled but he will have more respect for you. Do your crying in private, in front of him you are aloof and dignified.

CharliesSister · 02/04/2017 21:56

How're you doing, OP? xxx

Original poster

SweetBerries · 03/04/2017 01:14

Hi all, particularly @charliessister

I'm not doing well. I see what he's doing and I see the flirting (on multiple platforms now, I've discovered) and feel him taking advantage. But I'm that desperate to feel loved by him that I let him, to feel close for a second.

I'm still here, though, and all I can do is try and keep myself sane when he leaves tomorrow night. He has nowhere else to look after my son and his sister won't let my son in the house because she's stressed. Xx

OP posts:

FritzDonovan · 03/04/2017 05:12

Can't he take your ds out for the day instead of staying in? Or you go out for the whole day instead? You need to reduce contact with him so he doesn't have the opportunity to 'make a move '. Have a friend round when he is supposed to be leaving, so he won't be able to work on you. And stop sleeping with him! You'll never move on, sounds like he has and he's just taking advantage of you now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/04/2017 05:26

He lived in his parents house without a job and now lives with his sister. Isn't it about time he grew up and got his own place.

Everyone seems to be mollycoddling him including you.

If he cant take your dc to his sister's then he needs to come up with an alternative arrangement. This is for him to decide not you. If he cant then he wont be seeing his dc that week

HappyJanuary · 03/04/2017 06:44

If it helps to think in these terms now, which version of yourself do you think would be most attractive to him?

I don't think it's the pathetic ex who agrees to everything he suggests, lets him walk all over her, sleeps with him out of desperation and pleads with him to change his mind.

Do you think the women he's flirting with act like that?

If he hasn't got anywhere to see his son, he takes him out. Maybe it will give him the impetus to get organised and get his own place, although I am dubious that his sister won't let him see his son there actually.

Giving him everything, agreeing to everything, hasn't worked has it? Stop doing it and try a different approach.

NameNotANumber · 03/04/2017 07:34

He's just making excuses about nowhere to see your son. I can't remember how old your son is but there are parks, soft play, libraries, museums, even a wander round ToysRUs and a trip to an ice cream parlour or something.

He doesn't need to be in your house and you don't need to have sex with him.

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2017 07:38

Sweetie, he's told you. It's over. It doesn't matter if he is interested in other women, now or in the future, the relationship is done. Stop having sex with him. Go out when he is over. All you're doing is prolonging the pain, making yourself miserable for longer.💐

whattodowiththepoo · 03/04/2017 08:09

A McDonald's with a play area or something similar if the weather isn't great and the park if the weather is good.
He is so bad for you, you need to cut him out so you can start healing.

Flip