soft, sensitive, placid, controlling, stubborn DH

[adagio4wings]

So to everyone else he's this lovely, soft human being who will help anyone in a crisis. He never raises his voice, never gets angry, appears to put everyone else first.

But....
Behind closed doors, he's awfully stubborn, stands in the way of any change, is reluctant to do his fair share, withdraws emotionally, is rarely intimate and controls everything. I'm not allowed to buy things from the joint account for our home without clearing it with him first or he will sulk for days-weeks. I have been trying to book a holiday since January but he has an issue with every idea I have. He pries into everything I do, wouldnt surprise me if he uncovered this post. Nothing seems to get done as he strives constantly for perfection and every way I do things is wrong.

Everyone loves him and to everyone else I'm the fiesty, overly sensitive, volatile one... they've no idea how suffocating he can be. I think I'm just wanting to vent.

Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him?

I do love him.
And find myself questioning: is it me?

Can you see yourself with him and HAPPY in 5 years time.
(Personally I wouldn't give him another month)

Sounds awful, stifling.

Yeah I had one like that. I left.

"He's awfully stubborn, stands in the way of any change, is reluctant to do his fair share, withdraws emotionally, is rarely intimate and controls everything."

Pries into everything you do? He sounds like a truly horrible man.

Honestly, if he really is as you've described him, it's not you. It's him.

Mine can be a bit like this. I just do my own thing and ignore the moods. I notice sometimes he can be negative about things but can kind of win him round.

He doesn't pry though, I would worry about the prying. Does he not trust you?

He's either horrible and abusive (and a good actor) or he's terribly scared and anxious. Either way, it's alienating you and spoiling your life. Are you prepared to carry on?

I would go with scared and anxious I think. Insecure, low self esteem. Feels the need to please everyone (other than us).

I don't know what to do. We have just begun relationship counselling so I will bring it up.

adagio

I believe the term for him is street angel, house devil. His behaviours towards you are abusive. Of course he has low self esteem and is insecure, they all are but such men use those against their chosen intended target as well to big themselves up. Such men as well hate women, all of them.

Do you love him or are you confusing love here with co-dependency?. Are you putting his needs well above yours?. Love is not just a verb, its actions and his actions towards you are in no way loving ones.

Re your comment:-
"I'm not allowed to buy things from the joint account for our home without clearing it with him first or he will sulk for days-weeks. I have been trying to book a holiday since January but he has an issue with every idea I have. He pries into everything I do, wouldnt surprise me if he uncovered this post. Nothing seems to get done as he strives constantly for perfection and every way I do things is wrong".

All of this are examples of abuse on his part. There is both financial abuse and emotional abuse. Sulking is not about silence, it never is but its about control instead. He controls yo further with sulking and its probably something learnt from his parents as well (what are they like btw?). Look at them too.

Its not you adagio, its him. Such men really do mess with their chosen victim's heads and they think its all their fault when it is clearly not.

Do not enter into any joint counselling with this man, if any joint sessions are planned cancel them now and go on your own instead. You need to be able to talk freely in a calm and safe environment, you will have no voice in a joint session and such men like yours can and do all too often manipulate the counsellor.#

Do talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Abusers as well can be quite plausible to those in the outside world so am not surprised to read your comments about everyone liking him. However, its an act that they cannot keep up indefinitely and the mask does slip outside as well. One or two people in your social circle probably have their own suspicions about him though and have seen what he is truly like with you.

I absolutely agree with Attila, and very clearly and well put too.

I was a Relate counsellor for a time and would have immediately advised separate counselling. Your DH sounds to be looking for a forum to convince you it's your stuff. It could also give him further power over you, and this very often turns into physical abuse - after which he will convince you that it was your fault.

Be very, very careful and .

Read up on passive aggressive men in relationships. He sounds the classic "Mr Nice Guy". The constant suffocating sabotage and resistance to everything you do - winds you up to become a raging woman as he projects so that you express the anger he cant.

"One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.
Passive aggressive behavior is complex and takes many forms. We all have passive behavior that comes up when we don't want to deal with conflict directly or do a task. We all hedge, fudge and remain noncommittal on issues some of the time. That's normal. It's only when repeated passivity creates severe issues for others setting up continual tension and anger in the household that it becomes a serious problem that should be addressed. Common examples of this habitual, passive retreat style of dealing with confrontation and stress include:
•The person who says one thing but means the opposite.
•The man who acts passive but aggressively gets his own way by not doing what is wanted.
•The person who fears self assertion and confrontation, but says no by sidestepping responsibility.
•Anyone in the family who creatively gets out of doing his or her part of the chores.
•The Mr. Nice Guy who puts on the sweet face to agree, then does what he darn well pleases.
•The parent who refuses to discipline the children and insists on the spouse being the ‘heavy.'
•The person who refuses to hear criticism, discuss his problems or read books about the issue.
•The not ready to be committed man wanting someone there for him but feels entitled to his freedom.
•Any individual who spends his effort into under achieving in school, in relationships and in life!
What all of these people have in common is that the significant people in their life become very, very angry at their resistant behavior. The negative energy in the relationship boomerangs from one partner to the other resulting in an unhappy relationship.
While women can have passive aggressive behavior, this condition is more typically found in men, therefore this article will focus on the typical male version of this dynamic. The typical passive aggressive man has not worked through his anger and power issues with his parents so he replays them in current relationships. His anger comes out in passive way of avoidance."

Life is way too short to waste it on a schmuck like him - so don't waste it - picture yourself 20/30 years from now with no change!