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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you ever get angry with yourself?

15 replies

JK1773 · 01/04/2017 14:43

I don't know why really. I separated from my ex about 2 years ago. He was an emotionally abusive, lazy fuckwit and I wasted almost my entire 30s with him. He did things to me that I don't even tell anyone because it's just so embarrassing that I stayed with him. I always wanted a family but never did because he flatly refused to go to GP or speak about adoption etc. Used to kick off if I mentioned it.

Two years later I'm happy, have own home, good job, lost weight, new relationship going well. But just lately I feel so angry at myself over the ex. Why did I stay with him all that time?? I've lost my chance to have a family 😥 I could kick myself really

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Original poster

JK1773 · 01/04/2017 23:32

Anyone? Has anyone else lost the chance for dc? Totally devastating

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MsJuniper · 01/04/2017 23:39

Would you still apply for adoption alone?

Original poster

JK1773 · 02/04/2017 00:09

I genuinely don't know but I'm 42 now. I'd never say never but I love kids. My OH has children but were only 5 months in and I've never met them and I'm not yet resigned to being only a SM as much as I respect that. My OH hasn't ruled out the idea of more kids but to me it's questionable. I'm 42!!! My stupid bastard ex has taken that away from me imo

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Original poster

JK1773 · 02/04/2017 00:11

Im so happy in every way but this. I feel like he stole my child bearing years but it's totally my fault

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expatmum22 · 02/04/2017 00:13

You should feel relieved and proud that you got away from a crap relationship? Thank your lucky stars you never had kids with a crap dad? You sound like you're in your late 30s? You still have the chance to have kids? Don't beat yourself up! You got away and dodged a bullet! Imagine how rubbish you would feel if you were pregnant and in a dead end relationship with someone who didn't want kids...how old are you?

Original poster

JK1773 · 02/04/2017 00:18

I'm 42 expatmum22. I'm on the brink of a decision that I'm now too old but it's all I ever wanted. Don't get me wrong I have a great life now and I am happy but I feel like I've been robbed because of my own stupidity

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Original poster

JK1773 · 02/04/2017 00:31

Sorry to rant but I'm so angry! My new relationship is genuinely fantastic in every way, it's relaxed and nice but I'm now angry inside. When I left ex it was massive relief and it still is but I hate him so much. I'll never be a mum and it's my own stupid fault for staying with that miserable wretched man for so long at that time of my lufe. Damn damn damn

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sillywoman12 · 02/04/2017 00:38

Everything happens for a reason OP..and it's never too late. My Aunty had her first child when she was 43 and another after. If it's possible it can be done. Adoption and fostering is also another way. Don't beat yourself up..you was only blinded by what you thought was your future and in return sacrificed something for it. It's about moving forward now and count your stars how blessed you are to have a loving relationship now as some people don't even get that! A life motto which is hard to implement.dont look at what you don't have but look at what you do have everyday isn't promised so anger and sadness is emotions your better of without

pocketsaviour · 02/04/2017 00:51

I'm sure 100% of everyone on this planet has regretted decisions they made in the past.

However if you had had a child with your previous partner you would probably now be regretting tying yourself to him.

There are other options such as adoption or fostering or you could even consider a career change to something involving working with children/young adults.

(I have suffered infertility so I do understand that those options feel like a poor second to having a child that is biologically yours.)

Have you considered seeing a counsellor or therapist to talk through what kept you in the relationship, and how you can reframe your decisions and forgive yourself for the mistakes you think you made?

CheeseQueen · 02/04/2017 01:19

Not read all the replies, but seriously what's the point in metaphorically kicking yourself and then getting angry with yourself over something that has already happened?!
You can't change the past. Don't dwell on it. Concentrate on looking forward and knowing you're in a better position now to move yourself forward than you were before.

Original poster

JK1773 · 02/04/2017 09:26

Thank you for your replies. I'm calmer today. You are right, thank goodness I'm not tied to the ex in any way now. I think that because new partner is such a lovely guy I can't understand why I stayed with ex so long. I might took into adoption as a lone parent. It's an option.

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ICESTAR · 03/04/2017 20:33

You can also still be pregnant. If your partner doesn't want them, go to sperm bank and be a mother! Life is too short for regrets. Do it and do it now. Adoption is a long and heart wrenching process. I'm not saying don't go for it but maybe you should think about a sperm bank. Good luck! If you want them, raise them yourself.

Original poster

JK1773 · 09/04/2017 23:20

I think going it alone is maybe right but I'm in a new relationship now and although he has 2 DC he doesn't rule out having more. So do you 'wait and see' or just go for it? My OH is absolutely lovely but it's only been 5 months so far too soon to think about children but if I go for it alone that's going to cause all sorts of difficulties. The clock is ticking hard now. I wouldn't want to put any pressure at all on OH and I worry that talking about this might make him think I'm suggesting we have a child together and it's far too soon. That would be ridiculous this early. Im really enjoying the relationship and I do see a future. Very much so. What a massive dilemma. Would you just go for pregnancy at all costs? But if this relationship doesn't last I'll be even older. I feel like I'm gambling on my future and I don't know the right answer. Help!

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Original poster

JK1773 · 09/04/2017 23:28

God I've made myself angry again now. That twat of an ex. I bloody hate him, obnoxious self centred selfish prick (sorry)

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springydaffs · 10/04/2017 00:12

It sounds like you're working through the grief and trauma now you are happy in a new relationship.

Let it flow. It's not nice but it has to come out. One thing though, keep your anger directed at the right target. Which is him, not you. You need compassion, a lot of compassion. So start with yourself, having compassion on yourself. You need it lovely.

Re the bairn, what have you got to lose? Your clock is ticking, you need to have that convo with him. Which is more important, the relationship or having a child? If the latter then have that convo - if he doesn't want one yet, do it through a donor.

You can't afford to hang about!

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