MIL

[TheLeftPhalange]

I'd post in AIBU, but I'm feeling too delicate for there tonight so please be gentle (although am open to being told I am being!)
It's MIL. She means well, but OMG she always, always undermines our parenting.
Random examples of stuff done in the past-
If we say no biscuits as it's 10 minutes before dinner, she'll offer a biscuit anyway and claim she didn't hear me.
I've cooked something for dinner, and she says we can go out for dinner if we like, and I said "sorry, I've cooked tonight, we can go out next week instead."
"Oh, it'll keep."
"No as I've already cooked it, but we can do it next time."
Child comes into room, not heard previous conversation. - "Oh, I was going to take you to Pizza Hut, but Mummy won't let me."
Cue tears and me looking like the bad guy. Why? Why would you do that?
Buying stuff in every single shop we go in so that child expects something every time we go to the shop. Be it sweets, toys, etc.
I've had years of it now and I hate confrontation so have usually just let her get away with it.
Past year or two though I've tried to put some boundaries in place as it's causing serious tension within the family, as we're always getting shouted down and our opinions pooh poohed when it comes to raising our own kids.
If I tell child off, for example, it's met with a stony silence or a "aw, it doesn't matter really, does it" or a "don't tell off".
How is that helpful?
It's been kicking off lately though as I just find myself completely unable to put up with it anymore as it just causes so much trouble - kids just don't see you as an authority figure as MIL will make you out to be the bad guy - we're to be ignored and unreasonable, right?!
Latest saga - going out for dinner today. Kids start fighting in the back seat, crying and arguing over something stupidly trivial. Barely even set off. So I said "if you don't stop, we're pulling over and going home."
Eldest - "fine!" tries to open car door when moving. Youngest still yelling his head off.
So I said "OK, we're not doing it today then, you were told to behave. We'll do it another time."
MIL not saying a word, says she's still going for her dinner though. OK, fair enough. We won't be today though. See you tomorrow."
Slight tantrum from both, but playing happily with games 10 minutes later and all forgotten.
Half an hour later, phone rings,eldest gets to it before I do. It's MIL - "I've got you your dinner as a takeaway, I'll bring it round."
Eldest - "Oh, OK!" smug smile.
(Which totally to me came across as "see, we still get it anyway!")
So when she came back with the takeaway, I've gone from us all being calm and smiley again to being cross again and pre-empted the situation by intercepting the car as no, they're not having it. They were told no, not this time.
To get "Oh, don't be so ridiculous!" She's driven off with the food though thank goodness as I would have been annoyed if they had got it, but why am I the bad guy AGAIN?! Why bring them it after no?
It's so wearing. The above stuff sound so petty written down, but when you're caught in it it's crap.

If it's of any consolation, my grandmother used to pull manipulate crap like this. We adored her when we were kids because we'd get our favourite foods, we'd get toys and stickers etc. However as we grew older and more complex we first of all were less easily impressed by "stuff" and we also started to see her for who she was: a manipulate hypochondriac. We also saw the effect that her behaviour had on our parents. As a result, we spent less time there and my sister actually had her teenage rebellion against my grandmother rather than my mother.

What's the saying? "the meek shall inherit the earth" . You will win in any way but getting there will be highly annoying. You are doing the right thing though and your kids will thank you for it.

My mother is exactly like that. Plays both ends against the middle and undermines. There always has to be a bad guy and it's never her. Woe betide you if you criticise her in any shape or form. Full on narcissist who dispenses helpful advice such as "Why did you have all these children?" if there's a tantrum or I'm exasperated

No real advice from me but for you.

Is there any way you can see less of her? She is undermining your relationship with your kids and teaching them that they get what they want regardless of behaviour or effort.

Where is your husband in all of this? I would have a sit down with your DH, you and her present and the kids parked at friends or relatives for a few hours and have it out with her. She needs to be read the riot act.

I would chose a phrase, and repeat it every time there is a boundary violation. Polite but firm. Something like "You should not undermine our parenting decisions". Without variation, the same thing every time, so that she gets the message that all these different things she is doing are all in fact the same type of controlling behaviour and are not acceptable.

• "I was going to take you to Pizza Hut, but Mummy won't let me."
• "You should not undermine our parenting decisions"

• "Don't tell off"
• "You should not undermine our parenting decisions"

• "I've got you your dinner as a takeaway, I'll bring it round."
• "You should not undermine our parenting decisions"

• "Surely you don't need to go to bed quite yet"
• "You should not undermine our parenting decisions"

• "Have a biscuit, it doesn't matter that mummy said no"
• "You should not undermine our parenting decisions"

Eventually she will get the message. Consistency is key.

Also, get your partner to read this thread - you need to present a united front, otherwise she will just decide that you are being mean, and she doesn't have to listen to criticism because her son isn't joining in, so it can't be true.

Good luck!

@TheLeftPhalange Hey, just wondering how things are with MIL now. Hopefully better
I still find things awkward with mine and not sure how to get past that. I think I know the underlying problem and just have to get over it but easier said than done.

I feel for you OP, my MIL is very similar, constantly trying to undermine us. It's always me who's made out to be the bad guy too even though it's DH who usually says something to her. Our reaction is to see as little of her as possible and to never let her alone with DS. She lives uncomfortably close and I fantasise about moving for that sole reason although we can't afford it and as DH says, she'd follow us wherever we went, she is obsessed with DS.
I've currently blocked her on my phone to get some peace, it's the best thing I've ever done! I want one of those cameras on the doorbell to hide if I see her coming, DH has told her that she can't come round without ringing first (she used to turn up constantly and annoy the crap out of us on a daily basis) but she doesn't do a great job of listening.
Only advice I can give is trying to avoid the cow, you probably should try talking to her, or getting your DH to, but if she's like mine, she won't take the blindest bit of notice.
Take a deep breath and try really hard not to strangle her.

user1491036708 is right. There need to be consequences too though or she will just ignore you.

But you -must- nip this in the bud. One of the most important things parents can do is present a united front so that the children learn that No means No and that manipulation doesn't work. WIth the amount that your MIL is there, she also needs to present that united front with you two or she is teaching them that 1) your decisions don't matter and 2) they can manipulate and get away with it. It's destructive for their long term development as decent people.

Politely but firmly, you need to step up now. Think of her as a toddler with her tantrums, if it helps!

I have a nightmare MIL too, who likes to parent on my behalf. Although she isn't as verbal as yours. Mine tends to silently disagree, but will race to parent before I have the chance to even open my mouth. She has no relationship with my DS, as she never makes an effort to get to know him. I think it's just about showing how 'wonderful' she is as a parent, and how 'talented' she is within her qualification (SENCO). My DS has no additional needs, so I don't need her 'expertise'. Thankfully mine lives over an hour away, and I avoid seeing her often. I literally sulk like a child when I know I'm seeing her.

Sounds like your problem is she lives so close, that she makes herself involved in your day to day life with your DC. I'd have to be firm with her, and lay down the rules, which would probably completely ruin the relationship you both have. I'm sure not being undermined as a parent, in the future, would be worth it though!

OP, I mean this in the nicest way possible but she's only doing it because you allow her to. Easy for me to say, I know, but seriously, you need to stand up to her. I cannot abide controlling, interfering people like this. My MIL tried in the beginning, she soon learnt I may be little but I'm fierce! She would criticise my parenting behind my back but she darent try to contradict me, she knew I wouldn't take her bullshit. I'm only early 30s. I witnessed my mum being walked all over by my grandmother and other exteded family. I learned from her mistakes (she's a feisty bugger now too and won't be taken advantage of one bit). Your kids need to learn that you're the boss ultimately. Whatever grandma may say is irrelevant. She needs to learn to keep her big nose out. You'll have to be blunt. If she's used to interfering and getting away with it, it will take time for her to actually get it. Tell your husband he needs to grow a pair and tell her to mind her own business two-you need to out on a string united front. I'm a 31yo mum to two young children, if I can stand up to people, I'm sure you can. As my mum has taught me over the years (drummed into me-god bless get) "you teach people how to treat you".

I would turn it all back on her

Well that was silly if granny to say you can have a biscuit when she knows dinners is ready in 10 minutes

What a silly thing to suggest (going out for dinner) when granny knows that we've already prepared dinner for tonight, shall we go to xxx next Saturday (so then it's your idea not granny's)

Yes it does really matter doesn't it (child who's being told off) because xyz, why would granny think it doesn't matter. Then talk to the child later again and explain why they can't do what they want to do.

And tell her that she needs to stop buying random crap and that if she insists on continuing then you will have to cut down on the amount of time she sees the children. Tell her it's not got for them, she will turn them into children that aren't necessarily pleased to see her and want to spend time with her only what she gets for them. and if she starts the crying crap, call her out on it, she behaves like this because everyone allows her to. She is not going to change, she'll carry on because she knows she can.

This is a bit of a zombie thread, isn't it? I'm not sure the OP is still here.

Buy this book and leave it full view for her next visit.

hahaha @hellsbellsmelons. Is that book any good?

This is a bit of a zombie thread, isn't it? I'm not sure the OP is still here.

I'm still here

Things have got a bit better recently, as don't go out so much anymore for days out/meals out.
Still do go for days out but as they're not as frequent we enjoy them and they're all good. Mostly.
Although we were supposed to go visit this weekend and something happened which made us not able to make it last minute so got the phone hung up on us instead so all not perfect yet.