Still made to feel worthless

[swannview]

I have posted here before and had some great advice. To re-cap, I am mid-divorce from an abusive narcissist after 12 years of marriage. Three DCs.

I was due to collect the DCs from him this evening after taking them to see him after school. I got in the car and it wouldn't start. There has been ongoing issues with the car over the past 10 days and yesterday I was approved a small loan to be able to buy something more reliable.

I phoned him to tell him I was stranded and he said he would bring the DCs home to me. When he arrived he looked under the bonnet, fiddled with a couple of things and turned to me and laughed saying 'you couldn't even manage that?'. I told him that obviously not because I didn't have experience with cars and he made a comment in front of DS about how I was incapable in general. I told DS to go and play with DDs and told the ex that I wouldn't be needing any more help and I went inside.

He followed me in and started shouting, asking who the hell I thought I was, that I was using him to fix my problems. I told him that he offered to bring the DCs home and that regarding the car, whilst I appreciated his help, I didn't deserve the smart comments that followed.

He told me that rather than taking out a loan for a new car, any decent parent would save and get the garden finished to give the DCs a decent home to live in (I must add that the whole house was renovated just 18 months ago, but at the time we couldn't afford the garden. I have since started to do it myself).

I reminded him that I have a 30 mile round trip to school each day (no room for the DDs at the local school so I still commute) and that I needed a car that was safe and reliable. He drives a £11000 BMW and I have a £800 Citroen. He told me that was all I deserved (he bought the car before we split), and that I only wanted to get a newer car to show off.

I then told him that I didn't need his input regarding buying a new car, that I would ask a mutual friend who owns a car garage once he returns from holiday. He said to me that none of his friends would even consider helping me, apart from one (a guy he isn't speaking to), and that I should go ask him for help and a shag whilst I'm there

I told him to fuck off out of my life and that hell would have to freeze over before I ever contacted him again. He then turned to leave and made some comment about how he has found someone and he was off back to her.

I am angry but more than anything I am hurting. I have no surviving family. My parents are deceased and unfortunately I don't have siblings. I spent 12 years in a physically and mentally abusive marriage, being told his life would be easier if I died. I took the steps to take my DCs out of such a toxic environment but because of my emotional state I still question every decision I make and every step I take. Tonight he has made me doubt everything I am doing once again. I know I can afford the loan. I know the car I'm driving now is clapped out, yet I'm led to believe that I'm being selfish because rather than pay for some fencing, I'm paying for a new car. For him then to say that nobody would be willing to help me, to suggesting I go ask one of his friends for a shag

I'm only 32 and am trying my damn hardest by my children but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't tough. He can go days without even contacting them yet I wake up when they do and go to sleep when they do because I don't have any other life. What right does he have to make me feel like this

He has absolutely no right at all.

If it means anything I think you are doing the absolute right thing by getting a new car rather than investing in the garden. A car is a necessity with that kind of commute- the geraniums are a luxury that can come in time! If anything hes probably bitter/threatened because youre moving on without him and hes used to controlling you and using you to feel good about himself.

If youre going to take anything from tonight, its the fact that you are doing the right thing in getting a divorce. Hes an arse. He will always be an arse. The sooner you get a new car and are spared his mechanical "expertise" the better

Well you certainly don't need to question your split from him!

Tell yourself that is why you have split and in future don't let him 'help'. Just bring the kids to you and then leave in that situation.

It's all very raw and he's just looking for ways to wound you which is why this stuff affects you. It won't always affect you, I promise.

Xh is actually a fairly decent bloke but said some dreadful things while we were divorcing. No need for it at all. In retrospect, they weren't a genuine reflection on me - just that he was in the total fog of being a twat who was having an affair and panicking that he'd got caught.

As pp have said, see this as affirmation you are doing entirely the right thing. Get your new car and ensure as much independence from him as possible. Definitely sort car before garden - where I live, a day without a car and we'd be stranded!

How did he get into your house? Next time could you lock the door and if he makes fuss call the police?

Definitely don't let him "help".

The words he threw at you were designed to wound and nothing more. You can safely ignore every single one of them.

You had taken them to see him and we're going to collect them? He should be collecting them and not expecting you to run around to facilitate his relationship with them. He wanted to hurt you and he obviously succeeded. What an awful man. Don't let him in the house again. He has no right to be there. I hope you're OK.

Thank you all.

Yes I took them to see him and that was my own stupid fault- he has become so wrapped up in his new business that he doesn't have time to 'spare'. I dropped them off at his place of work and he had asked if I could come and collect them later on as he had nobody to hold the fort. Obviously managed to find someone in the end didn't he

He sent me a message late night saying that he couldn't get me telling him to fuck off out of his head after all the favours he has done for me and he hopes I can live with myself I told him I didn't deserve a sham of a marriage and all he said to me, to which I funnily enough didn't get a reply.

As part of the divorce settlement, he has agreed to pay half of the mortgage until the youngest DD turns 20 (another 13 years), at which point when we sell we split 50/50. He has then used that against me saying it's his house and as he is paying half he has every right to be there I need to add we don't live together- he moved out 7 months ago, but the thought of him still having 'claim' on the house makes me feel crap.

I suppose he's forgotten the fact that you were looking after his kids enabled his amazing career. He has no right to be in your home.

He also said that he has every right to mock me about not knowing how to fix the car and I had no right to tell him how he could speak to me.

I hate how he still has me questioning my every move. I am not in touch with the majority of his friends any more anyway- all deleted and blocked to stop stuff getting back to him. However, I do have the number of the car garage owner for the exact reason of it being useful when something happens to the car. Sods luck that the guy is on holiday at the moment.

I feel that I'm old enough to make my own decisions about my life and that of the DCs- I do all the bloody work anyway. He tells me I've no right to complain because I 'chose this life'. It was either that or continue to be in a marriage where we walked on eggshells waiting for the next time he erupted.

I just hope it doesn't take another 12 years for me to get back to the confident and independent person I used to be

Honestly, sounds like you are doing a great job and he's simply a knobhead who can't get out of the habit of abusing you and putting you down. I know it's hard, but try not to dwell on what he's said and try not to respond. The fact he has said in the same text that he has every right to verbally abuse you, but you have no right to do the same to him, shows that actually he's just a bit thick. Onwards and upwards.

You took them to see him, because you're a decent person and a good parent. But it's down to him to have a relationship with the children. If he's coming in the house and mouthing off at you your children will pick up on that. Don't respond, you will feel in control and don't ever let him in the house. Hope you feel better soon.

He is a narc. Stop talking to him, only ever text about contact with the kids and never ever respond to any of that crap he threw at you yesterday. The only way to deal with a narc is to go as non contact as you can.

Well done for splitting with him. X

To make matters worse, I'm having s really rough time with DS (9) who has been affected by the split greatly. He has become increasingly angry and emotional and a lot of it is aimed at me.

I try to reason with him, I try to leave him to sit and think it out for himself and I'm at my wits end. This morning he had a full scale melt down because he thought youngest DD had lost his pencil. I had in fact been using it and it dropped on the floor without me realising. Cue him shouting, demanding all his things were given back to him and that I get out of his way

This is becoming a regular occurrence. He has mild CP and I don't know how much of his emotions are related to that (he has always been a sensitive child) and how much of it I am to blame for

I agree with jeaux, go as low contact as you can and don't engage. Narcs love it if you respond to their horrible remarks, don't give him the satisfaction. Ignore absolutely anything that isn't about the children. It's hard to do partly because they 'train ' you to think they're right and you're wrong so it saps your confidence. Counselling for you will help - it takes time. It took me a couple of years ...!

Batshit makes a good point. Not only are you conditioned to behave in a certain way your kids are too. I got mine away from the narc ex when she was 2 so there was no impact, just me who needed counselling to unpick my behaviour. That takes time.

My friend also has a narc ex who has contact with her DD, they are 8 and 6. Eldest is having counselling to help her through the continued abuse and conditioning.

Your DC was either of them his "supply" or golden child?

He's full of shit. You know that if you were doing the garden then he would say it was a stupid idea when you had other priorities. You know that he's going to try and find ways to hurt you regardless of what you do. Ignore everything he says. Don't engage and just stick to childcare arrangements. I know it's tempting to start arguing back but he's not logical, he's abusive and maybe a narcissist so it's never about solving a problem or discussing things rationally and never out if love and concern but about hurting you.

Your child's behaviour is more of a concern. My MIL is a narcissist so whenever my children have to spend time with her i tell them that she's not well mentally and to ignore her when she says nasty things about people. They aren't true and she's just saying it because she's not right in the head.

Why are you engaging with him when he starts? He's deliberately getting you to bite. You need to work on exchanging the kids without getting into an argument... Even if that means neither of you seeing each other. Only contact is about the kids and just don't acknowledge anything else he says at all.

This isn't a good atmosphere for your kids.

Are you divorcing my ex too op??
It's rubbish when they start but I think you're doing great
He's just spouting off because he can. Like someone else said the car is a priority. The garden can be done anytime
I've learned to ignore my ex. Keep as low contact as I can If he texts unless it's an emergency or about the kids I leave it for at least 8 hours before responding
Seems to work for me

Thank you all so much.

The DCs and I have actually had a lovely day today. DS received the Sims game he had been saving his pocket money for. DDs have painted and are now stitching their own blankets and pillows for their favourite bears.

I have been out and made a start with digging the front garden and with every dig of the spade, I pretended his head was on the other end

Shall I tell you all what really hurt? Him saying that if he doesn't see the kids then so be it. If I wasn't going to allow them access, then I could 'shove them up my arse'

Small baby steps. I need to learn to love myself, be confident and trust my own judgement. I just hope it doesn't take another 12 years to get there.