Don't know what I want

[MumsBiscuits]

I have had a feeling for over a year that I don’t love my DH the way I should. Married 6yrs, together 10. Two kids. He’s difficult to live with, I actually like it when he goes out (rare) as I get peace & quiet. I don’t enjoy passion with him either, I actually find myself recoiling and could easily go without for the foreseeable. I tried to tell him my feelings last year. This actually made it worse, he’s watching my every move to see if there’s a 3rd party but also declaring his undying love for me all the time – but also gets huffy and childish also if he feels he’s not getting the same in return.

We had a chat last night and he says he loves me as much as ever – he admits he’s difficult to live with but is working on it . I still love him but don’t think I’m in love with him. What a cliché. I don’t know if I can get it back, we’ve both done and said some shi**y things over the years. He’s offered to leave and find a room to rent.

I feel like denying all my feelings just to keep the status quo - scared of hurting him so much, and upsetting the kids. On the other hand i just don't want to see myself in 20 years living with the same bad tempered moody person.

I don’t know how to get to the bottom of what I actually want. The thought of him leaving the family home to go rent a room makes me so sad – it would be all my fault and the kids would be upset. I used to think if we could fast forward and have a decent parenting relationship but separated then I’d be happy as larry – but I just don’t know…

Any help or words of wisdom appreciated… Feeling terribly upset today. Know he is too.

Well it's more about what you don't want and what you don't want for you or your kids is a bad tempered moody person; nobody should have to suffer that, married or not and I'd doubt he can change his personality either; honestly from your pov it sounds like it's well and truly over.

It wouldn't be your fault; it would be a case of it's not working out living together so mummy and daddy are going to live separately but you will see them both regularly; it's being done thousands of times a day. Don't be martyr at the expense of your happiness.

Oh you poor soul - I feel for you. Are the tricky thing is that if you quite like the idea of pressing ff to separation it's not a fear of being alone that's difficult, but rather something holding you back from ending this specific marriage.

The trick is I think working out what that thing is and weighing it up against the upsides but it's easier said than done.

I do also have a feeling that this is the point of marriage vows and all the pomp and circumstance of marriage - to make you stop and think at a time when if your dh were a boyfriend you'd have already cut and run (plus children of course)...

Are you able to isolate why you find the idea of upsetting him with a split difficult?

You say that you once were in love with him. What has changed since then? What do you mean when you say he is difficult?

Well - of course he's occasionally 'moody' - because his DW is being distant and telling him she is unsure of her feelings and is avoiding intimacy. He's still trying to be demonstrative and loving - but also gets upset (moody and snappy I imagine?) I think this is what you'd expect when someone withdraws isn't it?
OP - what has changed? Are you just bored of him? I guess his relentless attempts to re-connect are going to drive you further away emotionally aren't they?