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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm letting you see me before you die

37 replies

Alleris · 31/03/2017 08:48

How does this sound? Does it sound nuts? I have been NC with my d'm' for a good 10yrs. During this time I know she's tried to keep tabs on my life by contacting my neighbour and lately by writing directly to myself and my dc. None of us have responded. In her last letter she talked of having had major surgery & not expecting to survive it, I think she had cancer - it's not the first time. I believe her pain/shame at our estrangement will kill her within the next 5 - 10yrs if not before. It's well documented the effect of acute stress on the body. I'm now doing lots of therapy to undo the damage I suffered and I can see she was/is clearly a damaged individual herself. So I'm thinking of meeting her to let her see me again before she dies. I'm not sure how it would affect the rest of my life if she died and I didn't show I'd forgiven her. Trouble with this though is I have no idea of the can of worms I might be opening...

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 31/03/2017 18:34

Are you sure you choose to put yourself through this?

My mother, who genuinely loathed me, kept track of me at Uni via private detective rather than visiting, writing or phoning. She disapproved of my then P as well. I was summoned to her deathbed. I went.

She was sitting up in bed, drunk on gin and eating greasy chicken pieces. Between mouthfulls, she railed at me that now she wouldn't live to see me marry Gordon as she had planned. I'd driven 200miles in bitter, snowy winter in a crap car with no heating, no money and nowhere to sleep that night to be told ... what?? There was no more talk. Just gin and chicken. That was the last time I ever saw her.

Just saying ...

I think forgiveness sometimes belongs at soul-level and is unattainable "down here". I don't think that's a failing, it's a necessary reminder of the need for self-protection.

Original poster

Alleris · 31/03/2017 19:25

Thank you all for your replies. I'm starting to ask myself have I really forgiven her or do I just want the opportunity to tell her how much she hurt me? I do know what I don't want and that is to have to 'mother' her as an old lady. I've always said to myself I'm not pandering to her needs when she's old and dribbling, she never pandered to mine. But she's not there yet, she's only late 60s. The whole thing is desperately painful as I lost my entire family, every single person over my childhood abuse. Growing up without any extended family is harsh.

OP posts:

MrsPeelyWaly · 31/03/2017 19:40

I believe her pain/shame at our estrangement will kill her within the next 5 - 10yrs if not before

OP, Im sorry you've had such a rotten relationship with your mum but you have absolutely no way of knowing if the above is going to happen and I think you still have a long way to go with your therapy.

DistanceCall · 31/03/2017 19:46

If you think that not having a relationship with you is killing her because of the stress it induces in her, having a one-off meeting wouldn't keep her from stressing - if anything, it would stress her more. Accepting the premise that not seeing you will kill her (which I don't), the only way to avoid this would be for you to do what she wants - i.e. have a relationship with her.

You talk of forgiving her. Has she asked for forgiveness? Has she acknowledged what she did? Has she apologised?

You say that she was deeply damaged as a child. Well, so were you, and you didn't abuse your children. There is a choice. You mother always had - and still has - a choice. You are not responsible for what she does.

Original poster

Alleris · 31/03/2017 19:49

not sure where you're coming from MrsPeel she wasn't expected to survive her 2nd major bout of cancer/surgery but she did - just. I don't believe she has that long left. No I can't be sure what will happen but I'm going by what has happened to people around me who've had serious cancer diagnoses, none of them out-lived 5yrs. I think if it's popped up in two different areas of the body in the last 10yrs, it's probably lurking somewhere else too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alleris · 31/03/2017 19:52

Good point Distance She wrote to me and said she didn't know what she'd done wrong but she was very sorry and would give anything to have me in her life again and that she thought of me every day.

It's not easy, I feel I'm damned whatever I do.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 31/03/2017 19:56

Perhaps - if this helps you - you could write to her, telling her exactly what she did wrong (as she claims she doesn't know). See what she answers.

Someone who genuinely wanted to have a relationship with you would offer to talk these things over with you, perhaps see a therapist together, and in any case take your feelings into account, even if she disagreed or thought she did her best in a very bad situation or whatever.

I strongly suspect that is not how your mother would answer.

MrsPeelyWaly · 31/03/2017 19:58

I don't believe she has that long left

Thats very sad but I think you have to accept that its highly likely that when she dies it will not be because of her pain/shame at your estrangement has killed her though I can understand that you need it to be the case.

DistanceCall · 31/03/2017 19:58

By the way, I fully accept that mental processes have a huge impact on bodily health. However, in your mother's case, you are not doing the damage here. She is. And she has been doing it for many, many years - this doesn't appear overnight.

Original poster

Alleris · 31/03/2017 20:16

Absolutely Distance the cumulative effect of a lifetimes worth of anger.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 31/03/2017 20:26

Anger, bitterness, hatred (including displaced self-hatred), meanness, denial, you name it.

The thing is, as I said, people do have a choice. We have a family friend who had a horrendous upbringing and is a diagnosed psychotic - she was incapacitated, her children were removed, her brother stole her blind, she had psychotic bouts in which she tried to jump out of a window. When she had a psychotic bout, of course she was not responsible in any way for her actions.

However, she did have a choice. She knew that she had a very serious problem, and she chose to seek help, and has had therapy for many years, and now has a good life and good relationships with her children which she has worked very hard to achieve. Because she chose to and was fortunate enough to live in a country in which she could find the right help.

As does your mother.

DistanceCall · 31/03/2017 20:41

But to answer your question: I think that you should think about what would be best for you. Not your mother. Your mother has chosen her path already, and you can't do anything about that.

If you think that you will feel hugely guilty after your mother dies if you haven't seen her once before dying, then - for your own sake - you should probably see her once, being fully aware that she isn't going to be the mother you would have liked her to be, and she will probably hurt you.

What you absolutely mustn't do, under any circumstances, is sacrifice your own well-being out of guilt. That is, you shouldn't have a relationship with your toxic mother because you pity her, or because you feel guilt. If you give in to that, you're fucked.

I can understand that you might want to risk being hurt in order to do something that will make you feel less guilty in the future. But please, please do not sacrifice yourself. That would be so, so wrong, and incredibly stupid.

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