I feel so guilty

[Honeyandchamomile]

I'm sorry as I have already posted about things with my Dh a few times before (sometimes under different names), I just feel so alone.

I feel as though Dh can be controlling and emotionally abusive, and have recently been trying to be strong and question things. I have tried this evening, but Dh says I've got it in my head he's some kind of slime ball, when he's really a good man.

I feel so guilty. He's so upset and not talking to me. I'm wondering, perhaps I have got it wrong. I can be sensitive, and maybe I'm over thinking things and seeing things that aren't really there. He is a good man. He loves me, and takes care of dd and I. I wish things weren't this way. I wish I hadn't started confiding in family, as what I've told them cannot be un-told.

I want us to be happy. I love Dh so much, but I feel we are both getting upset right now which I hate. I hate knowing that I have caused us to feel this way.

I'm sorry, I don't even know why I'm writing this, or what response I'm expecting. I just needed to write down how I am feeling. Thank you.

The person you should feel safest with, listened to and cared for is your husband.

I understand the twisting everything around.Its likely to be projection on his part where he is accusing you of being controlling and manipulating.

I know you wish it was different, so did I.

Once your eyes are opened its hard not to establish your boundaries which might mean his behaviour escalates.

I don't know why some men do this but it appears to be hardwired and very difficult to change as they refuse to acknowledge their behaviour.

He told you he could see the manipulation on your face? What a slimy wanker he is. I should like to issue him a slap.

Good God get out of there.

I'm sorry to hear what you have been through Hermonie, but glad you found the strength to leave.

That's what it struck me as, projection. He seems in complete denial.

The praying is total and utter bullshit and designed to make you feel guilty.

These are not God's words, they are his, couched in religious-speak to try and bully you into accepting him as authority.

Well, well. My abuser was also a religious nut. The absolute torture I went through with that guy...

You've got to stop talking to him. Imo, like my ex, there's a screw loose upstairs iyswim. You can talk until you're blue in the face, he won't change.

I have to say though that my ex never sexually assaulted me or forced me to have sex when I was unwilling - his abuse was the other way, I practically had to beg for sex. It was the flip side of the same coin: men like this loathe women and are hellbent on humiliating us. That may be too strong to hear - I'm sorry - but it's much closer to the truth than you realise.

Eventually I had to pretend I was at last compliant - pretend he had finally broken me, like a horse, to be obedient - all the while doing my research and planning my escape. It was a very challenging time, I feel for you, as reality collided with the web he had spun around me.

Do the Freedom Programme. Get the book ' Why Does He Do That? ' by Lundy Bancroft. As you find out more your confusion and pity will wain.

You have no choice but to go forward. He will not change - if anything he will get much worse. Hand on heart, have things got steadily worse since you meet him?

Thanks so much both of you for your reply, and I'm glad you found the strength to leave springydaffs.

I do think it has gotten worse - when our dd was born, and now I've been trying to stand up for myself.

My family see through him (my mum especially), but if I were to leave him everyone else would take his side. He is very clever and persuasive, and I think would turn everything back on me.

How I wish everything would get better - but the more I've been trying to make that happen, the more I've realised it won't.

Who gives a fuck who's on this abusers side !!!! Tell your mum everything and plan your escape. You do not want your daughter to think this is way people love each other !

Oh and he's not religious. He's using a belief system as a tool to bolster his own sense of 'righteousness ' and to manipulate you into being in the wrong.

You say that you love him. Do you really? Or do you feel other powerful emotions that you have translated as love? What is loveable about someone so unpleasant? What is loveable about someone who uses a religion to inflate his already enormous ego and brow beat the mother of his child? Love is happy and uplifting, not masochistic and irrational. How does he love you? Even if he spends 95% of the time making you feel like the most wonderful woman in creation he manages to treat you like dirt the rest of the time. If he loved you he would NOT do that.

You have not caused this he has, what do you want because what you really want, him to be the man that you hoped he was that you love is not going to happen

So let's get this straight, he wanted to be intimate, you said no and had to say no repeatedly because he didn't accept it, and that has now been explained as you being manipulative? How on earth does that make any sense?
I'll tell you how. Only in a world where if there is any difference of opinion between you, it's always you who is wrong. Only in a world where your feelings don't matter if they don't match up with his. You know he is not treating you well when this is the case. I'm relieved you've told your family because then it's harder to just deny it's happening.

I think I remember you.. And yes he's abusive. He had to pray and await a response about whether you could visit your family.

He had to write a text to your sister didn't he?

Yes, that's me.

Earlier he was popping to the corner shop, and asked if there was anything we needed. I said some chicken/ham for sandwiches please. He called to say it was too expensive, so could I think of anything else instead. I said I couldn't, but it didn't matter, and he told me if I had any brain cells I could think of something.

I am so tired of being spoken to in this way. He texted later to say he brought it in the end, but that's not the point. He treats me with no respect. If I try to tell him how I feel, I'm caring about my feelings too much, manipulating him, or just want drama apparently.

I called my sister, and she said she is happy to drive to get dd and I at any time, so I can have a break and clear my head.

I feel at though now my eyes are open, I can't close them again if that makes sense.

It does make sense. Keep going, you will get there in the end.

Yes it does make sense.

Why not take your sister up on her offer?

He's not going to get better. He's going to get worse - as he has already, if you think about it.