Living with a depressed partner support thread?

[Loks]

Is anyone else living with a depressed spouse?

My husband has been depressed his whole life

It's like he's fading on me. He doesn't like doing the things he used to. He doesn't want to be intimate. He seems to want to just be left alone but then says he's never been so lonely. I just don't know what to do. I seem to annoy him more than help lately.

How do you deal with it? How do you detach enough to stay sane but deal with watching someone you love struggle so much? Are there threads somewhere on mumsnet you can point me towards? And if not, do you fancy talking about it here at all?

[Message edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

House, it is not surprising you ended up feeling depressed too. That is what happens,
Maybe it's a different type of depression but I can say from experience it's quite co-dependant in the way it manifests.

That's why counselling on your own is an absolute must. If you can afford it start next week. Waiting on the NHS is slow.
You're panicking, but try and see this clearly. It will only improve if you get proper help. You cannot undo what is done and neither can he. But it might not be too late. Neither of you can fake it anymore, and I don't mean that to sound harsh. But quick fixes don't work.
It's so hard to not take the blame. But you cannot. It is not your fault. I promise you that. I don't even know you, but I know that.

And loksi you're not selfish in anyway shape or form. You have every right to want to be happy. Everyone does.
That's the hardest thing sometimes. Ending up feeling selfish and that you can't fix someone.
I will always be there for my xdp. He called today to say a family member is very ill. I will always support him, but you cannot sacrifice yourself for that end. Because it doesn't actually help them or you

Oh God I see house, I'm so sorry, I did mis-read it. (I'm just making some lunch but will be back in a bit to reply!)

it's ok loksi
I was in a breakdown whilst writing I don't think I wrote everything down right . But yes it's basically .... I had PND , he looked after me, it got too much for him, now he's depressed and talking about not loving me anymore. Then I'm just all fresh from it thinking I've basically been a lazy bitch taking advantage of my depression using it as an excuse to leave the rest of the housework to him after he's been working hard.

My partner of 14 years has been depressed for a while slowly getting worse. He has only really just admitted it to himself thought i have seen it for a while. He wont see anyone as fear of how it will effect his job and he does not want that on his medical record. He is self employed and i think its the stress of the job and money worries that does not help. How can i help when he wont help himself though. Our relationship is getting worse and worse and i get no support from him but he expects me to help him and calls me his rock. I am drained and dont know how long i can carry on, but dont want to add to his worries by leaving and making him worse.

I'm interested to learn how to detach yet remain committed to the relationship? It would be better for me to detach and do not let his mood affect me but how do you do that and remain present?

I have a job I love, great friends and lots of interests but his mood dominates everything.

My having to become more detached from my bipolar husband in order to stay well myself has led to me no longer wanting (or able to be honest) to stay married to him.

I am sorry to hear that colouringagain but you MUST put yourself first. It is such a selfish illness. Everything is always about them - their mood, how to fix them, how to react better around them etc etc. I am always torn - do you leave someone who is ill - which is awful or do is it worse to stay and put your kids and yourself through a lot and perhaps model a bad relationship?

I think this illness changes your partner but it also changes you. It never really goes back to the way it was before and in your case colouring the BPD is there to stay.

Thanks so much Rattata you're spot on. It is so hard though isn't it. My dcs are vvv sad and ds just doesn't understand why we are separated. But his crises over the last five years have just got worse and worse I just can't cope with living with him anymore. I'm still traumatised from his last manic, psychotic, delusional episode. You sound like you have experience of a similar tough situation?

Im really needing support. My partner of 8 years suffers with anxiety depression over our time leaves. Sits in family bed room and drinks. He tells me he's suicidal low dark place. Crys. Becomes paranoid. His family don't want to fave his problems. But he now admits he is struggling. I feel like a stranger. He usually spends all his time with me now i cut away. Shit he's stood in. I get mad hes allowed a bolt hole. Then he focuses it my fault. Even though had no row and come back from holiday.

I td him yesterday its breaking me snd i am suicidal he was then crying. He wont seek help as he's scared. Why why why? Last episode 2 yesrs ago. Before that 1 year. i just wasn't my loving partner back.