Really am looking for some advise of others who have been in the same situation.
I recently found out that my husband has been texting a work colleague and that they have grown close. I’m told that noting sexual has happened, but I’ve seen the texts (some) and they’re all along the lines of ‘ can’t stop thinking about you’ etc… which for me is the worst kind of betrayal. Whilst doing things for mothers day he has been texting and thinking about someone else, and the texts have been reciprocated. I’ve confronted him and his initial reaction was to get his phone back off me, he was angry, seemingly not upset by my reaction (which was of disbelief, tears, me asking him to reassure me that I was wrong.)
I’m just so confused. He says that he loves me and the family and that he wants us to work on things (counselling etc.) I have said the same and that he needs to accept that I’m going to have lots of questions and emotions, however he doesn’t seem to be able to handle this in reality. He is of the opinion that he has said he’s sorry and that he loves me and ‘what more do I want?’ I’ve told him that I don’t feel as if he means what he says – his actions (to me) are speaking louder than his words. I don’t understand why he isn’t being proactive in sorting out counselling, why he no longer texts me from work just to ask if I’m ok (he knows that I am in bits), why when I’ve asked him about getting another job he hasn’t even started looking at other options, the dynamic feels wrong, it’s as if I’m waiting for him to tell when (or have the guts to tell me) that he doesn’t want me, and of course all this is worsened by the fact that I have no trust at the moment. I’ve been very clear, told him how much I love him, but I have said that if he doesn’t love me (he assures me the relationship with his work colleague is over and he doesn’t and has never wanted to be with her), that he should just say so. I’ve asked him why he hasn’t done any of the things above, his response is that he is confused too, and that everything is so recent, and that he needs a break from talking about ‘the situation’. This makes me rage inside (and outwardly) as to me it seems as if he just doesn’t care at all. I am also scared of pushing him too much but do feel that I deserve more from him.
I have admitted to him that even prior to me finding out about the relationship that we needed help, we’ve been very up and down, and typically lost ‘us’ – dealing with the strains of work, family life and his very difficult ex wife.
I feel as if I’m being toyed with – it’s like I don’t know him, I’m scared, I just want some reassurance, and answers and I’m not getting either.