I feel sick *TRIGGERS: Rape/sexual assault*

[feelingsoill]

NCd. I apologise if this is long and it's not paragraphed because I'm struggling to type well in my current state of mind.

The other night me and DH had a lot to drink. Well, more like I had a lot to drink. Before we went to bed he was a bit amorous & I batted him away. He went to bed. When I went up I promptly fell asleep. I woke to find him having sex with me. This is a bit hazy because of how much I'd had to drink but I'm guessing I fell back asleep again but last thing I remember is thinking O couldn't believe what was happening. Next morning the lube was open on the bedside table. It was only later in the evening that I remembered waking up to find him on me so in the morning I mentioned the lube and he said we didn't do anything because I fell asleep. When I mentioned what I remembered in the evening he denied all knowledge. But I know it because I partially remember it. It makes me feel so sick to know what he did to me while I was sleeping and now I'm wondering how many other times he's done it and I haven't woken at all. I can't eat and am having difficulty sleeping.

Jesus, he's raped you OP; utterly despicable, you need to contact the Police; do you have a family member or a good friend that come round and support you?

Do not let him get away with this!

You poor thing, that's awful. Do you feel able to report it to the police?

I would not be letting him get away with this either. He's raped you, if you forgive this it will continue, how can you know it's not happened before?

for you OP xxx

Really couldn't couldn't cope with reporting it. I've no friends and no family member I would feel okay discussing it with. I've seen threads like this on here before and I cannot fucking believe it's happened to me now. I've noticed he's been different with me since I asked him about it, more affectionate in the evenings but less so in the mornings like when usually he would kiss me goodbye he doesn't now. FFS less than an hour ago he asked if I wanted to drink tonight!

Oh that's another thing, he knows I was raped in a previous relationship. How could he see the effect TV/film scenes depicting it (I have to leave the room for those but otherwise haved coped quite well) has on me and then do the same thing to me?! I'm not going to do the usual of "but he's great in every other way" but this has really blindsided me, I'd no idea he was like this at all. Just feel sick wondering how many other times there could have been.

Is it worth the pain, upset and hurt though OP? I'm a rape victim and if anyone tried pulling a stunt like this on me I'd have to take it further

I understand how hard it is, believe me I do, but you do realise that you can't trust this man you thought you knew and if you don't do anything it will continue, and where do is stop?!

He's already asked you again for another drink, men like this don't just leave it at this, they will need to take it further as it becomes repetitive, they'll need a bigger fix.

PLEASE don't allow your body to be abused even more than it has :( how can you even sleep next to him let alone trust him?

My rapist went on to do this to another woman after receiving a non guilty verdict, which he knew he was guilty of ( can't go into much more as it was in the media) but not even 6 months later did the same thing to someone else. This is a guy you thoughy you could trust who's trying to convince you to drink ... please please please; I beg you, ring the police and leave early this monster

Hi love.
My ex husband did that to me too - when I questioned him the next morning he laughed and said he hoped I would have been to drunk too remember.

My heart goes out to you. Its a shit, shit situation. Please leave. Even if you can't talk to anyone in real life, we are all here

how can you even sleep next to him let alone trust him?

Barely. It's incredibly unnerving. There was an episode months ago when I sort of lost the capability to speak, move or respond at all, like sleep paralysis sort of thing, but I was conscious enough to see him freak out a bit at me having my eyes open but not being able to move then he sort of went at it again.

I don't think he did it last night. I can't quite believe how he can act fucking normally with me when he knows how he's been treating me.

You need to tell him you do remember and point out his change in character. I can imagine you're feeling very vulnerable, confused, intimidated and scared.

Can you go away for the weekend to have a chance to relax and think about what you want ?

I have severe agoraphobia and social anxiety disorder so I can't leave the house without being accompanied. Regarding the sleep paralysis-type episode, we had consensual sex before I lost the ability to move or speak. Saw him (TMI) pull out, freaking out a bit that I couldn't move or respond then he put it back in and carried on. Now I'm wondering if I'd been drugged or something because I've never experienced anything like that before or since.

FFS Now he's in a mood with me this morning and is still denying it.

You can't continue living like this OP

What do you plan on doing?

I don't want you to share a bedroom any longer with this monster.
I'd be calling the police if I were you.
Please make yourself safe.

Can you visit the gp and get them to check you? Maybe do a blood test? If you can't face the police yet, at least please log it with your gp and get them to check if he has been giving you something. Please look after yourself and get some help

I don't really know how to help but pretty much exact same thing happened to me about 18 months ago... and I'm still with the guy.
At first I didn't really realise what had happened, then I confided in my best friend and she started crying saying she's so sorry I went through this. I then started to realise what had actually happened. He did rape you. As absolutely heartbreaking as it is, because you love and trust him, but he did.
The last 18 months for me have been depression, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors, hair loss, severe weight loss etc.
I felt as though it was "too late" for me to end things based on what he did because it was only months later I'd come to terms with what he'd done. I was so in love with him still that I felt too worried to bring it up in case I hurt his feelings.
If I could turn back the clock I'd have ended things then and there. Even if you don't tell anyone or report him. Just end things, you'll thank yourself 18 months down the line.