SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

[johnnydeppsmistress]

DH & I have been together for 15 yrs, married for 8. Have 2 lovely kids, 4 and 6. He is the first & only man I have ever had a relationship with. He loves me to bits, fancies me like crazy etc..... but the feeling is not mutual.

I have always felt that he is not my soul-mate and feel deeply envious of people who have found theirs! He is a lovely man & great with the kids.... but there is no deep connection between us. I love him but (sorry about the cliche) I am not in love with him anymore and haven't been for a long time.

We own and run a business from home & I was forced into running it with him, as I do all the paperwork which he would never be capable of. I hate every minute of it. He loves his work and is obsessed with it. I feel that I don't have a life and am just living his life & ambitions for him. I feel suppressed & that I am not "me" anymore. If I disagree with him, I am made to feel that my opinions are wrong & he usually "wins".

I just can't take it anymore, I am miserable and want a life of my own. We talk about nothing but the kids and work. Whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he says there is nothing that can be done about my work situation, so I should just "grin & bear it". I have advertised several times for an assistant (any takers?!) but had no applicants! I have not yet had the courage to tell him how I feel about the relationship, he has no idea of how I feel and I know that telling him would tear him apart. The thought of discussing it makes me feel sick.

I fantasise about leaving but the thought of the effect it will have on the kids terrifies me. I also look at other men and wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. So should I put the kids first, stay until they're much older, then leave? Or should I put my happiness first and go, making a new life for me and the kids?

HELP!

awww johnnydeppsmistress (love your name btw!) i was very much in a similar situation to you this time last year. What is your gut feeling about the whole situation? If you're not happy, then you should change it so you are, as that is what is important. But it is difficult with children involved. The best thing I can suggest is to speak to dh about it. Maybe not into too much detail but start off about the work situation. Im really sorry you're feeling like this. Its really horrible i know

I think you definitely need to change jobs, his saying that you should grin and bear it is ignoring your very obvious unhappiness. Pull out all the stops to find that assistant or he will have to find them himself. Have a think about what work you would like to do and go for it. Life is too short for you to spend years like this.

Making this change might be enough to make you feel better about the relationship, but you do sound very much as if you are reaching the stage when you can't ignore your need for a different life any more. My suggestion is that you go to Relate on your own to begin with, talk your situation over with a trained counsellor and you might find that the solution becomes obvious. He doesn't need to know you are doing this if you don't want to tell him.

Thanks tb and js! Tb, my gut feeling is that I should leave. I can't see myself living like this for the next god-knows-how-many years. To make matters worse, I have been told twice by separate psychics and tarot readers that a) I will have 2 major sexual/personal relationships in my lifetime, b) I will have 3 children, the 3rd by a different man, c) an imminent separation in my current relationship. I have been told this on 2 separate occasions over the last 8 years.....
Changing my job alone will not change the way I feel about dh....

oh bloody hell. well i think stay put at the moment and change other things in your life and see if that makes things better. It would be so sad toleave this man who loves you and break up the family home i=until you have tried all avanues. Sorry hon'. I just don't want to see you leave until you've tried everything. if work is shite then tell him you HAVE to stop doing what you are doing befoire it destroys you and get out and get another job. I really think you owe it to both of you to discuss things with him. If you're brave enough to think about leaving you must be brave enough to tell him a bit of how you are feeling, no????
I don't want you to be miserable but are you sure you can't make it better, getting out and getting a new job of your own could be a start and a turning point. You're going to have to do it either way anyway aren't you.

Oh just read your last post and seen that just the job thing won't help.
Hmmmm, back to the drawing board.
I feel unhappy with the pysic thing tbh - that's the trouble with readings like that, not good.

How old are your children btw?

IMO I think that only you can decide what to do, but I think that at least tell dh should be told how you're feeling, but that is up to you. Relate could be a good idea

Thomcat, kids are 4&6. Yes, I must tell him how I feel but definitely not about the readings! How do I broach the subject without it sounding like I'm attacking him? Tammybear, did you stay? If so, did it work out? Will definitely consider Relate.

well, with exp (dd's father) i realised i wasnt in love with him, and that i was just with him because i was pregnant. i thought maybe if we got our own place (as we were living with my mum at the time) it may help as we would be like a proper little family, but it just got worst. i felt like his mum/housekeeper. for months i told him i wasnt happy and wanted him to change, but he never listened. we always argued, and for a couple of months, i made him sleep on the sofa. you would think he thought it looked a bit serious but he carried on, and then i decided to break up with him. dd was only 8 months at the time so it didnt have much of an impact on her and i am a lot happier now as im with dp and everythings fine. but it doesnt always work out well for everyone. exp is being really awkward and i dont think hes being a very good father figure. ive only just told him bout dp and so i think things are going to be even more awkward now

when you talk to him, dont point things out which may make him feel like hes being attacked like yourself. just explain to him how it feels. and try to talk to him "nicely" if that is at all possible, as in dont let an arguement break out over it. not much help i know

My gut feeling is you should leave, but it would be terrible to have regrets later if the grass turns out to be not so green!!

What do you see as your situation if you leave, eg will you stay local, where exactly will you live, what can you afford - will you be in a poor situation financially or still comfortable?
What job will you do?

Will you actively look for a new partner and if so how?

posyhairdresser has a good point. since kicking exp out, ive been struggling money wise as im living off benefits and now having to go back to work which i really didnt want to do for a few years. I looked into a lot of things before i decided to call it quits like money situations and it made it look like i would actually be better off moneywise without exp. turns out i wasnt

If you go for counselling you will know you did all you could to keep your family together before you make a decision. It's a big decision to leave, not necessarily the wrong one, but one that deserves real thought and attempts to change first IMO. You do have to jack in this 'job' though. Just tell him - and help him find a new assistant. There will be someone out there who wants to do it. Why not advertise it as a p/t job to fit in with school hours or something to make it more tempting. He needs to know how desperate you feel and asking him to come to counselling with you might help him realise. BTW, totally agree with Thomcat about the 'psychics' - I really think that 99% of them are con artists, and their 'predictions' can ruin lives. Please don't make a decision because a stranger said something years ago. And remember, no relationship is perfect. Good luck

jd's m - I've been in a very similar situation to yours for years. My kids are now older, nearing secondary school age. Although I've felt very strongly the same feelings as in your first posting (and fantasised about leaving), I've continued in the relationship (marriage) for various reasons. These include emotional and financial stability (for me and the kids), fear of the future on my own, not wishing to throw it all away and then find myself no better off, not wishing the kids to be away for nights / weekends / weeks with him. etc. Sometimes I wish I'd done something years before, but then I know I'd handle separation from the kids really badly and would hate not being with them whilst he had them. I don't know if this is making any sense. I do know how you feel. I'm not in love with my dh and now I don't even love him. (I am trying to love him again (as I don't want to continue like this), it's hard, but I feel better for trying.) I feel exactly the same as you about how arguments with dh. I'm always made to feel that I'm wrong and he's right. I'm different to you, though, that my dh doesn't really love me, he just thinks he does. I told him once that his idea of love is like seeing something in black and white and thinking that's the best that can be, without realising that it can be in colour. I don't know about soul-mates. I'd love to find mine, but I wouldn't realistically expect to find mine if I was single again. Only a few people I know would choose to commit to / marry their dp/dh/dw if they had their life over again. For most of your posting, it was as if it was me speaking! As for psychics, someone I know very well made a disastrous marriage based on the promise of a long and happy life with the man she was with. The marriage lasted less than a year. My advice to you would be to think hard and draw up deadlines for sorting things out. i.e. Advertise again for the work you do currently. Perhaps use trade magazines/papers that you haven't tried before or connections within the business. Look around also for work that you would prefer to do. Identify what, where, when and how. If this work change happens, you might find that you'd be happier in the work part of your life and it may change the dynamics in your relationship. At the moment you can't really see a way out as work is stopping you. Once that obstacle disappears, it may become clearer whether you want to stay in your marriage or not. Like I said, maybe I'm too close to this situation and none of the above makes sense! Take care. xx

posyhairdresser, that is the bit that worries me the most. I would have to stay local as I couldn't face my kids moving school and home.... that really would not be fair. I know financially I would find it hard, but in an ideal situation he would help to support the kids so it might not be too hard. The hardest thing is that I can actually picture us living apart from him and being happy, but maybe I'm looking through rose-tinted glasses! I would definitely want a new partner but have no idea how I would find one! I'm so confused!

you have to bear in mind your dh may not take it so well. exp has made life extremely difficult. like yourself i wanted to get on well with exp for dd's sake yet he wouldnt have any of it, and 10 months down the line, were still not on a common level which really p**ses me off as im doing it for dd not because i want to, and he should at least make the same effort

I spoke to dh last night, told him the edited version! As I had thought, he cannot see that there is a problem with our relationship and will not go to Relate... in other words, he was ignoring my feelings yet again. I said I didn't want to argue, that I just had to make him aware of how badly I really feel. He turned it round and said that my work situation was mainly my fault but said sorry for talking down to me. I think I will go to Relate on my own, as there is such a lot to lose if I leave. I still feel that I'm no longer in love with him, but I will pull out all the stops to sort myself out first... that may well help how I feel towards him,... time will tell!

Hi mistress,
I'm so sorry to hear about you situation. Do go to Relat, they can be so helpful. I haven't read all the messages, but isn't there anywhere you could go to stay for a week or so to give yourselves some space and show DH that you are serious and that there are issues to be discussed?
Hope you find happiness soon. hug

Thanks Poppy, yes that might be an idea.... Men really are from Mars aren't they?!!

so sorry to hear about your situation JDM

relate is a brilliant idea - you can go on your own if DH won't go with you and it will really help clarify things for you. Aloha is right - you will know that you have done everything possible to make it work.

I left my husband when my kids were 5 and 7 and have never received any child support from him since (this was 5 years ago). I have managed and my kids are OK (although of course it does affect them, but so does living with miserable parents). If you do decide to leave him you will cope!