It isn't what I signed up for

[Thebluepen]

I met my DP 9 years ago. He had (has) 3 kids, I had 1. He saw his kids a third of the time.

Soon after I moved in 7 years ago, his middle daughter moved in with us full time.

She spent every waking moment (and I mean every waking moment, including waiting outside the bathroom door when he went for a pee. They were both 14 years old) with my son, I tried to coax her away from him, tried to do things with her, tried to talk to my DP about it but he would say nothing was wrong. She then stopped hanging around him and started following us around. I had lost the 1 to 1 with my son, now it was time to lose the 1 to 1 with my DP.

I nearly left many times. My DP relationship with my son, whilst not awful, was not what I would have liked and I spent 24/7 with his daughter and a third with his other children. They are good kids but ultimately not very independent and all of them just want to be with us even now they are young adults with boyfriends. They only spend time with the boyfriends when we go out or they bring them to our house when we are there.

I gave up my opportunity to have more children with my DP who didn't want any more and I have effectively brought up his daughter and part time his other kids. I completely under-estimated how much of a demand that would be. His two eldest kids have both been treated for depression, both regularly tell me how much better things are at Mum's house, but don't seem to want to be there with Mum. I have tried so hard to bond with them, but we are different people and I have never been someone who just wants to hang around other people all day. I have always wanted to be making my own life.

Middle daughter is now at uni but is not settling well and regularly tells me she just can't wait for uni to finish so she can go back to her school (she wants to work there).

My son is at uni and settled and happy there.

I hung on to staying because I knew that daughter was off to uni and I would get a break but she is home every weekend and her holidays are just over half the year.

I feel my home life is completely dictated to me. I can't choose who I shop and cook for (never know who will stop by), who is staying in my home (will the boyfriend be staying over?) and who I spend my free time with. The only control I have is to leave the house, and even then, she will ask to come with me.

I am an introvert and a quiet person who needs alone time (without DP, DS or DSD or anyone else) and yet I am denied this.

I am resentful that DSD Mum gets lots of time to herself (she also doesn't work) and I am working and spending my precious free time listening to how great Mum is!

I am full of regret for waiting and waiting for it to get better. It hasn't.

DP doesn't want to upset his kids and thinks I should just accept it, but I am simply not built that way and I also know he would never accept the same from my son.

No - don't accept this from your do. You have the right to be happy in your own home. Have you actually told your dp how much this is upsetting you? If so, does he just ignore you?

Time to get more assertive.

*dp.

Can you have like a 'family meeting' explain you need a bit of space. X time of the day or x day of the week. Set up a chores rota. Set visiting times. Organise a date night with DP. Try not to be angry about it but explain you feel that you need a bit of an adult social life too now and as much as you love them all you need a break. I appreciate it might not go down well but you cant just be walked all over.

Is there a hobby you can take up? And go alone? Or with dp? Set up a couple of hours a week with you ds also.

If they dont like it thats tough they are adults now not children.

Good luck x

Sounds like you're facilitating it tbh. From today, only make meals for you and dh. She'll soon get the message. If dh doesn't like it, then he can cook.

Please don't tell me you do her laundry too??

RTFT, OP does not do their laundry or clean their rooms

I have a hobby and study part time too.

Ironically dp isn't keen on me doing either.

He wants me to keep all my spare time available so that when and if his kids go out, we can have time together.

I've told him that if he won't prioritise our relationship then I am certainly not going to fit around his adult kids schedules to grab time together.

His answer is to arrange meals out alone, date nights, weekends away but really one meal out a month isn't a relationship is it?

I'd tell them youre having the house decorated & it's a good time for a new, fresh start. That they are welcome to stay, prearranged as it's there home but it's now time for you & your husband to be a couple not just parents/step parents. I think it's time to push them out the nest! I don't know how you've sustained it this long but it's time to change. State the facts, what you want, what they have to do to clear out their rooms & how exciting this will be. Organise meetings outside the home.

It sounds odd to me. You can start refusing to have boyffriends and hangersoners staying at weekends. I think you have to make clear to your partner how much this is upsetting you and that you are thinking of ending the relationship if he doesn't start trying to make his adult children more independent and make them stay at halls more on weekends and develop a social life that isn't revolving around you and their dad.
Why don't they spend more time with their mum?
Can you get more hobbies outside the house? Also start telling your step daughter you want to do stuff alone if she asks to come with you. It sounds as though you should have laid down some ground rules about not following people around and giving people space years ago but resented it instead.
Your partner needs to understand it will all fall apart if something doesn't change. You have to be prepared to separate to get anything to change though.

Why doesn't she see her Mum? I don't know!

She told me last year she wanted to spend more time with Mum, but she goes weeks without seeing her. She always talks very positively about Mum but never spends any time with her. Maybe she feels "obliged" to stay with us as we provide everything for her and Mum doesn't. I don't know.

Or maybe she loves being with you & DP but says that about her mum out of loyalty?
DSD seriously needs to engage more with uni life though.

They sound like a rather odd children TBH. My DC are teenagers and they do their own thing. They stay in their own room.

I don't see anything that is going to change how things are. Perhaps you leaving the house and staying with friends and family when they come around for longer stays.

Perhaps he's also worried about the mental health problems and how they would react if he tried to say anything to them.

I wonder how much of this is just family life with somewhat lazy teens/young adults hanging about not doing much? But you are very conscious that they are not your kids and that you would rather not spend so much time with them. Your DP presumably thinks the families have blended more than you do

BTW - how did your son cope with the adoration(?) when they were 14yo. Was it really as suffocating as you describe or was that your perception?

Sandy, she's home for over half the year, I can't really leave my home for that long can I?

Tonight I asked her to leave us alone this evening in the front room. She took it fine and has been baking cakes. Brilliant!

My dp, however, has made it quite clear that our quality time together wasn't gong to be quality and he's been sat on his phone ignoring me. He's been clucking around daughter, obviously mortified that she's been asked to do something. We give her 5k a year and yet he still tried to give her £10 to get some eggs when she said she didn't have enough.

Ocelot, I have thought long and hard about if it's because I don't have the bond and therefore are less intolerant.

I think there is an element of that but because of that I overcompensate by being nice. I am brutally honest towards ds if he upsets me and we move on. He too is a teen and certainly has his faults but although he's lazy, he stays in his room rather than following us around. I can't speak to daughter like that. I don't think anyone ever has, it would be shocking for her.

As for the behaviour of the then 14 year olds, my ds is like me and not very assertive. He literally used to put his gaming headphones on and spend hours gaming while she sat watching him the whole time in his room.

Why are you at the bottom of the pile when it comes to having feelings listened to? I think you need to get MUCH tougher with your dp.

I think you should have stuck up for your son and told her to give him some privacy and develop her own hobbies. No-one should be followed in to their bedroom and stared at. That's not a sane way to live

Its a long time for you to be consciously being nice & so never really relaxed. But a positive that she took it well & hopefully yr DP will relax too when he realises she hasn't disowned him! Its not great parenting to pander to yr kids at any age...

I like my DPs kids mostly but do have to be careful not to say to DP how lazy I think they are! I can see it could be difficult to live together fulltime but I don't think that would happen till last one has left home for uni