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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend always leaves or threatens.

26 replies

AprilKATsmith95 · 28/03/2017 20:07

I've been with my boyfriend 2 years now and I've got a 5 year old from my last relationship. During those two years hes left ( unpacked all his stuff taking it away and then come back a day or two later ) the longest was a month and was so hard for me. I love my boyfriend so much he's my world he makes me so happy hes amazing with my son helps with money works hard but yet every time we argue or disagree which then turns into a massive row he either wants to ignore me hours on end or threatens to leave or does leave over text a lot of the time and in person he takes all bis stuff out the wardrobe until i convince or rather beg him to stay and tell him how sorry i am or love him so much because I do feel so much fear and heart break and worry when he wants to go. My boys actual father was abusive physically, emotionala emotionally and broke me down and i dont know if that even effects this situation or not I don't want him to leave me I love him and so does my son and his all if his family I've not got friends or family I'm totally alone just me and my son. So any advice on how to deal with him doing this to me or if i should put my foot down and end it now I just don't know?! I'm so scared to start again or to loose him he's my best friend and his family are like my own I just feel lost like we was so happy the last few weeks and now there's an argument he told me he needs think of he wants to be here anymore. Can't help but blame myself and feel unloveable or hard to live with or it's him being selfish and cruel. I've just never in my life been so in love with somebody before and when it's going good it's amazing and I think I could grow old with this man but I'm always worried he's going to leave. And he's always besides leaving or it saying he will has treated me perfectly. I've tried talking to him and he just shuts down and gets more upset or tells ne to leave him alone or I'm stressing him out but i can't help but pester him on his feelings because im scared he's thinking of leaving or i just want to help him

OP posts:
deste · 28/03/2017 20:13

I'm afraid I wouldn't beg any man to stay. I think it's time for you to take the power away from him and tell him he either stays or goes but if he goes he doesn't come back. It's easy for me to say that and it's not what you want to hear but you need to take charge of your own life.

franke · 28/03/2017 20:19

He's mainpulating you and you and your son deserve better. I know it's hard but, as deste says, next time he threatens to leave be clear that if he leaves that's it, no returns.

Moanyoldcow · 28/03/2017 20:26

Why do you love him? Nothing you describe shows a loving relationship. He's abusive and manipulative. Leave him before you waste more if your life on him.

Original poster
AprilKATsmith95 · 28/03/2017 20:32

Thank you I've tried saying it all before I just never pull through once he told me over text he wants me to pack his stuff and hes going to pick it up and leave and i packed his stuff told him he can leave and that's it and then he told me it was all a mistake and hes sorry and he loves me and I've told him many times after if he ever does it again or tells me he wants to leave im done. He's currently out and the last message I got from him was I need to think about what I want and that he may not be home and go to see his brother at his nans which is fine if he needs space after an argument but I don't know what I'm waking up to tomorrow morning or if he comes back tonight will be change his mind in the morning which hes done before. I know on should leave him for my own benefit I just dont have the strength yet and I love him so much and i wouldn't know what to say to my son as to where hes gone as my son adores him they have an amazing relationship together. I know this all sounds very silly and childish and weak

OP posts:
Original poster
AprilKATsmith95 · 28/03/2017 20:36

And I love him because besides all this stuff hes perfect he tells me he loves all day everyday he takes me out on dates and we talk and laugh for hours or we stay in and have just as much fun laughing and joking and cuddling and all the things normal relationships consists of it's just this one problem that's really effecting us the arguments could be as petty as me asking him to get off his phone and then all of a sudden there's a big argument and hes had enough

OP posts:
itsme40 · 28/03/2017 20:49

so he loves you as long as you are good and obey to his wishes and leaves you when you dare to have an opinion that he doesnt like or agree. I have been in your position and i know that its very hard to see this now (from what you write) but i hope you will do soon. When someonone really loves you will be there when things are hard, he wont get a tantrum and leave every time things doesnt go his way. You deserve better Flowers

Shoxfordian · 28/03/2017 21:29

Every time you argue, he threatens to leave? Let him. Hold the door open and pack his bags for him.

Naicehamshop · 28/03/2017 21:33

This will only get worse op. Bite the bullet, pick your self-respect up off the floor and stop allowing him to treat you like this.

I know it hard, but the alternative is even worse.

EffinElle · 28/03/2017 21:36

Fuck that! Sling his stuff out and tell him to fuck off for good! You do realise he's damaging your son? Honestly, wake up and smell the coffee. Perfect my arse Hmm

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 28/03/2017 21:36

Are you with my ex op?
The day he made me really happy was the day I told him to leave. . .

It sucks the life out of you living like that. .
And that's no life for your dd either!!

SparklyMagpie · 29/03/2017 00:10

I would not be putting up with that. Hate to sound harsh and say it but it's not a good example to set to your son.

It sounds dodgy to me, sounds like he's using you

He's yet again deciding he's unsure an needs space. Far too many times, stick to yours guns an throw him out

I've been in relationships like this, couldn't imagine doing this with my son involved. It's too confusing

SparklyMagpie · 29/03/2017 00:13

And where does he go after he leaves ( every time you gave an argument?)

You're right it does hurt but fucking hell you have a child!! You do not want to bring him up thinking this is how men can treat women, let alone his mummy

TheNaze73 · 29/03/2017 07:34

Talk is cheap OP. He's manipulating you. He can tell you that he loves you all day, like you say he does but, actions speak louder than words

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2017 07:46

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours is he meeting here?.

You've basically gone from one abusive relationship to yet another albeit of a different type but abusive in nature all the same. His actions smack of wanting power and control over you. You're being manipulated in not too dissimilar ways as to how your ex manipulated you as well; he leaves every time you two have any disagreement. You are not allowed to have any say.

This man targeted you and sensed your own insecurities and vulnerabilities a mile off; he has taken full advantage of those.

Its not your fault he is like this, you did not make him this way. You are not responsible for the actions of another person. You are also not his therapist or emotional punchbag. You are also showing your son a terrible example of a relationship by showing him that currently at least this is acceptable to you. He needs to be shown a better example of a stepfather figure.

You personally need to enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships. Enrolling on that along with ditching this individual now and unlearning all the crap you have learnt about relationships on the way will help you and in turn your son as well.

Chinnygirl · 29/03/2017 07:51

I don't think he sounds nice because he can't even argue nice. You sound nice althpugh you are probably giving in too much. You shouldn't give in to keep the peace. Adults should be able to talk about problems without the dramatic shit. I think you can do better than this man.

WatchHowISoar · 29/03/2017 08:09

He's manipulative and it won't get any better. Will love still be worth it when he's doing this to your ds? Telling him he's pissed him off and threatening to leave. As a child who walked on egg shells for a parent who like to punish with the silent treatment- it fucks you up.

You may be willing to let this happen to you and allow 'love' and I highlight that because love shouldn't need manipulating and jerking like this to excuse his poor behaviour, but when he eventually does it to your son will it be enough? Or like my parent, will you be so worn down by then that you can't leave anyway?

Do yourself your ds a favour and show this man that he doesn't get to treat you like this. Playing with head and heart. And show your ds he shouldn't behave this way when an adult.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/03/2017 08:56

You know what you need to do.
Hard as it may be, you need to do it.
It's abusive behaviour.
You've gone from a grade A abuser to a grade B.
It's still abuse though.

Get onto Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme pronto!
You need to avoid this kind of men in future and spot the red flags early on.
Set our boundaries and lift your self-esteem. The Freedom programme can help you with all of this!

AnyFucker · 29/03/2017 09:00

I only read the first few sentences

Love, find your self respect and tell this clown to take a hike

JigglyTuff · 29/03/2017 09:03

He's horrible. Ditch him.

UpYerGansey · 29/03/2017 09:14

This will slowly kill you. One foot always out the door?
No no no.
Get rid.

nonetcurtains · 29/03/2017 09:38

There's a phrase I used to read a lot on here - "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got".
So you argue, he threatens to leave, you beg him not to, he stays. And repeat.
So take control, next time he threatens to leave, say great, see you. At least it will save you the job of doing his packing for him. Tell him to pack his own things.

It will stop, one way or the other.

Adora10 · 29/03/2017 11:01

OP, every time you beg him you are basically saying treat me like shit and I will still love you; this is not right; you need to say, if you are threatening to go then go; you are basically making yourself very weak by accepting this behaviour, and yes, showing your son a very bad example of a fucked up relationship; no matter if it's 90% good; the packing, leaving the coming back is both emotionally detrimental to you but also your son watching it.

He sounds a complete knob and needs to grow up.

If you do nothing and accept this, it won't stop, he'll be doing this your whole life.

category12 · 29/03/2017 12:06

Stop chasing him. You can't live like this and it's unfair on your dd. Next time he walks, let him.

Work on some boundaries for yourself. This drama isn't a good relationship, but it sure does consume you. Take some time/counselling/freedom programme to learn about setting boundaries and building yourself up.

Branleuse · 29/03/2017 12:15

you cant have a proper relationship if hes always got one foot out the door. You have an insecure attachment to him which feels like amazing love, but its mostly just because hes made you insecure

mamakena · 29/03/2017 13:45

My dear, for the sake of your son, please leave this relationship. This situation is not love, it's traumatic bonding. No child should ever have to leave under that constant threat of abandonment.

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