The black dog has made a return

[anyoldhow]

Name change as I know in laws on here. Sorry for long post just trying to get it all down. A few years ago my husband entered a deep depression and we separated for a while until he recieved councilling and we both felt it was the right time to try again. The issues were that we didn't communicate enough about things that bothered each other and so he mostly started resenting me. The final nail in the coffin was the day I asked if he still loves me and he replied he didn't know. It hurt like nothing I've ever felt before as I just was not expecting it. The pain of the separation while he got help was instense and I couldn't function with the kids. When we eventually got back together he said he didn't mean what he said as he wasn't in a good place and I was quite assured that he meant it and we were very happy after that.
Fast forward a few years to know and he's heading down that path again and I don't know where to turn . I don't know what to do and I'm so so so terrified of hearing those words again. He says it's different this time and it's not me that is getting him down but more the things he's struggling with such as trying he's best to keep me happy. I have suffered from depression for a while since having the kids and from when he was unfaithful in the very beginning of our relationship and I had trust issues. I've felt fine for a while now but he's carried on helping me and struggling without me realising how hard it's been for him. He's not told me how hard it's been and so we've carried on like this and now it's got to a point where in his words he says he's mentally exhausted and feels worthless. I don't understand though as things haven't seemed that bad and I'm not a mind reader. I feel as though I'm being punished for having depression. He's so angry with me and doesn't understand how I havnt noticed him struggling. I told him that I understand he's not feeling very well mentally but he doesn't need to be so nasty towards me. I've been depressed for a long time but have never ever been nasty towards him. It's as if it's a competition to him to who's the most depressed!
He is such a lovely man and it's true that he's helped me so much through my struggle and I've always been so grateful and he knows that, I've shown him I'm grateful and we had what I thought was a good marriage. I'm sorry for going on and on I don't want to dripfeed and also I'm so confused as to what is happening I don't know what to write just needed to get it down I suppose and need a handhold along what I think is going to be a difficult road ahead. I just hope he feels better soon and hope I can help. I just want to look after him like he has done me but he just doesn't seem to want to let me in. The only difference this time is he says he still loves me and wants to work things out. I just hope I can help him feel stronger soon

Why is it all on your shoulders OP to make another human happy; it's up to him up to him to seek help, up to him how he treats others; depression doesn't give him an excuse to treat you bad; does he ask how you are, how you are coping with your depression; sounds all about him and tbh, second time around, I'm not so sure I'd get invested, he doesn't even seem to appreciate you.

You're not there to be his therapist, or a punch bag.

He's getting back in touch with his therapist that he saw before as he said he felt comfortable with him so hopefully that will be in place soon. He apologises profusely on a daily basis for his behaviour and says he knows he has no right to talk to me that way and upset me but he's just frustrated. I figure he's just taking it out on those who are closest to him I suppose. It is upsetting because it's a new behaviour. It's not like him. Don't get me wrong I don't think at all that he would hurt me physically but still his words hurt. He is a lovely man usually and really does treat me well and has been my rock throughout my depression and I think that's what has done this , he's just exhausted in trying to make sure I'm happy and we've got stuck in a rut of him helping me around the house and it's been too much for him especially as he is the only one working. I tell him to leave things and that I will get around to doing them the next day but he will still tidy around. This is when exhausted and I just physically can't do anymore in the evening. I'm on my feet all day and feel I'm in a loop of just tidying and housework. When it's his days off he will do the school runs as it's quicker for him to do it. He doesn't have to get ready with hair and make up and says he doesn't need as much sleep as me. It has helped as mornings have been the worse for me but I never thought he was struggling he was just taking it all in his stride and seemed so happy. Don't get me wrong I haven't taken advantage of him I do make teas when he gets in which he often doesn't eat or when I don't make tea we usually sit together with a take out. I tell him to go to the pub to relax or to stop running around on his days off I want him to relax and he won't.

Regardless of his good qualities, nobody has the right to take their frustrations and anger out on anyone, especially the one person who has their back.

I agree. I'm just so scared of what's in store

What about talking therapy now for both of you, separately or together. It's good you both recognise your symptoms. Maybe you can nip it in the bud?