What would you do_ issue with DH

[Miffedmuch]

I'm wondering what opinions are on this.

Background info.
Been together 21 years and married for 18.
A couple of years ago I raised with DH that I wasn't comfortable with the sporadic contact he has with an Ex.

It transpired that early in our marriage he confided in her about us. He thought I was cheating and didn't love him. He discussed our physical relationship, which wasn't frequent at the time.

I said he needed to stop any contact with her. He said nothing was going on but he agreed (reluctantly) to not contact her and he messaged her to that effect. It took him about a week to do this which really annoyed me and started making me pull away.

Anyway I recently find she's in his FB friends list and raise it with him. He said that he'd unfollowed her and hasn't been in contact with her. I'm inclined to believe this. We have a good relationship and things have got so much better over the years

So he deletes her from FB, then I said (via text) that he needs to delete her from his phone and any other SM, because I don't want this conversation again. To this he hasn't responded.

I'm rather upset about it and don't understand why he can't just delete her number once and for all. I'm not sure he realises how when he faffs about and doesn't act instantly, it just makes me pull away from him.

We're due to go out this weekend for a special occasion and I'm wondering if it would be an overreaction to say, unless he deletes her number (and I don't actually check his phone anyway, so it would be based on trust), that I won't be going out with him.

Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable or controlling?

I suppose it just seems a bit aggressive somehow to "unfriend" him

I think that's how my DH sees it too.

Talking to an ex about our sex life would be a serious problem for me

Yes, I see it as a problem too, however I didn't find out he did this till some 15 years after the fact. We were in a pretty good place at that point, so it wasn't enough for me to walk, but if I knew at the time, it would have been a different story.

I need to clarify that I haven't said I'm not going away this weekend. I was asking if it was a bit OTT to do so.

In relation to the question of the nature of the flirty message... It was along the lines of a pleasant recollection of a part of her body, but it was a play on words. That in itself almost ended us as a couple and was rather hurtful.

To me a refusal or unwillingness to delete her number, signifies the possibility of contact again in the future.

I can categorically say that had I made a similar joke with an Ex, he wouldn't be best pleased if I was resistant to do the same.

I can't imagine how it would look if I spoke to an Ex about my sex life and I would not do so for because I think they'd see it as an invitation to make a move on me.

Someone mentioned me nagging and moaning about it. I actually haven't done that and because I totally hate confrontation, I raise anything I'm not happy with in a very measured fashion.

From my perspective, I specifically cut off some EXES back then, because I'd gotten serious with my now DH. A few of my Exes have reached out to me over the years, but I've kind of ignored it. I've done that out of consideration for my DH primarily.

Also, in relation to him letting her know the contact would cease, he did agree with me, that he understood my point, and he admitted he would not want me having such conversations with an Ex either.

I guess after years of friendship, he didn't really know how to pull the plug so to speak.

Some really good and helpful responses. Many have given me things to think about and in terms of her being a threat, she isn't. Absolutely not. It's just something I was uncomfortable with.

It's not a dealbreaker situation for me. I've got a good life and a good marriage. I know it's impossible to control others and I would not want to do that. Within normality, we both do what we want as far as socialising with others.

I asked a couple of of my own male friend their views on it and I see how some men, don't want to appear bad by blocking or deleting, where I'd have no issue.

My boyfriend gave his ex a lift.

I went fucking nuclear. He deleted everything and hasn't spoken to her since.

I almost finished the relationship. Its about respect at the end of the day.

I wonder why it's considered acceptable for women to "go fucking nuclear" if their partner so much as speaks to another woman yet if a woman posted here that her partner was reacting like that she would be told in no uncertain terms to LTB. Seriously unhinged behaviour from some on this thread.

OP. it sounds as if you and your DH never really talked through the stuff from years ago. The reality is that while it may have been upsetting at the time, if you've decided to move forward you can't use it as leverage fifteen years down the line. there has to come a point where you move past it. And as you say, you were having issues then and he confided in someone who was a friend. Whether that was his ex makes little difference really considering you say there is no chance of anything between them.

25 years on any kind of communication with someone who was a girlfriend back then seriously shouldn't be considered to be a threat. I have an ex of 25 years ago who sent me some very peculiar messages on FB a couple of years ago, all about how he thought about me every day and wondered if I was ok etc etc. I told my dp and we both agreed it was cringeworthy, esp given we were both at secondary school when we were last together, and he's now just been through his 3rd divorce. I don't think it would ever occur to my DP to be insecure over an ex of 25 years ago. Everyone has their insecurities, but it's how you deal with them which is important. The key here is communication, by making threats and issuing demands is only going to decrease the communication between you not the other way around.

Confiding in an ex about a present relationship is a bit nasty. She became an ex more than 21 years ago, so why is he still in touch with her? Why is she still in the picture? Doesn't she have her own business and family to mind? No, I don't think YABU.

Wouldn't care if it was years ago; my partner discussing our sex life with an ex is completely out of order and smacks of disrespect; of course it's going to make you feel uneasy and I can totally see why you have perhaps gone slight ott with him having contact with her; I bet you if it was you he'd react exactly the same.

I don't think the OP sees HER as a threat; I think she feels let down by her husband discussing their intimate relationship and quite right too.

Men discussing sex with another women in my eyes is to invite a chat on sex; not really appropriate when you are married!

My ex is my best friend. My ex has stayed in my house with partner and my partner. My ex has come to see me when my partner was away. My ex stayed with my partner when I was away and they drank loads. I have given lifts to my Ex, I have picked my ex's partner up from the airport and drove them home when a delayed flight meant a missed train connection (round trip for me about 60 miles).

Respect is friendship. Respect is caring. Respect is not even knowing where the nuclear codes are, never mind actually going nuclear.

Men discussing sex with another women in my eyes is to invite a chat on sex; not really appropriate when you are married!

Eeep. What about the other way round?

(fears massive social faux pas).

It might be old fashioned but I feel sex is something between a couple and not to be shared with others. I don't want to be sat across the dinner table knowing that the person opposite me knows what positions I enjoy most. I want to be able to have sex with my partner without worrying who he might tell about my preferences. Anyone who is uncomfortable with that is free to walk away, but I shouldn't feel pressured in to moving my boundaries just because other people feel differently.

The "incredibly low bar" comment was insulting at best. As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship it hit a particular nerve. I didn't walk away because I never felt my reasons were good enough. The last thing I, or other people, need is being told that our boundaries are unreasonable.

Respect is recognising that someone else is an actual human being. With wants, needs and flaws. It is about loving that person or walking away, not insisting that your way is right. Nuclear is never an option for me. But nor will I be convinced that I should accept someone else overstepping my boundaries just because some other women would that behaviour.

Also, if my DP had sex with another woman I'd 'go nuclear'. I'd also 'go nuclear' if he hit me. I reckon I'd kick him to the kerb without a second thought. I'd expect the same if the situations were reversed. And I expect I'd have support on MN if that was how I felt.

"Respect is not even knowing where the the nuclear codes are" is absolute crap. Having respect for oneself is knowing EXACTLY here the codes are.

If you've decided to move forward you can't use it as leverage fifteen years down the line

I'm not using it as leverage. I didn't know me discussed those things with her. He was foolishly honest in my opinion telling me he'd spoken about those things. I wouldn't have known otherwise.

Why is she still in the picture?

That's what I thought as well. Thanks for understanding. She's not married and doesn't have any kids as far as I know. I don't really ask about her because her private life isn't something I'm interested in.

I get the impression her life hasn't changed much in all the years that have passed.

I did wonder why she can't find anyone else to assist with I.T support or similar issues.

I don't think the OP sees HER as a threat; I think she feels let down by her husband discussing their intimate relationship and quite right too.

Exactly my point. He says he had no one else to talk to and I have a sister to confide in and he thinks these things are better discussed with people who aren't so close to the family and know him.

I get his point on that, but I don't discuss my sex life with my sister. He seems to think I tell her everything...and I'm sure any of my Exes that I would speak to in that way (i.e.tell them I thought DH was cheating because he wasn't interested in sex) would want a hook up, even if they disguised it as a sympathy thing. I'm not going to put myself in that situation.

I have a lot more Exes than he does and I think she's his only proper Ex actually, which I think might explain things.

I guess I tend to try to keep good boundaries with other guys, especially Ex BFs, as I know how these things can get out of hand unintentionally. I don't like to get in tricky situations.

Plus I haven't blackmailed or given any ultimatum. I usually make my view known and let the cards fall where they do.

The "incredibly low bar" comment was insulting at best.

I don't think that was the intention. My understanding was that the pp was saying it wouldn't take much for you to leave a relationship. Not that you'd put up with much. More likely you'd leave at the drop of a hat.

My DH is a good person, he just doesn't always get stuff like this.

Thanks again for all the responses. I'm pretty mortifiedthat my feelings are considered an overreaction by some, but I guess that's the nature of a public forum.

Agree with Wannabe & Scottish - so many years down the line she is a friend who happens also to have been an ex in the mists of time. I don't agree with the ban you've imposed on yourself re contact with exes - some can genuinely become friends (after a suitable time) and shouldnt be assumed to always want to rekindle things after so long!

I also don't read from what you said in OP that he discussed actual details of yr sex life - just that it was infrequent (when he thought you weren't committed to him). And she was the only person he confided in.
I would think it very unreasonable to be told I couldn't be friends with someone I had known for so long (whom you acknowledge to be no threat) & struggle to get your viewpoint except to see it as some kind of test or control. Which would really put me off you!

I'm with Wanna. Even allowing for the bit about talking about sex life in the early stages of the relationship 21 years ago - which I agree I wouldn't be happy with but I certainly wouldn't be holding on to it after THAT long with someone - if a man came on here with that OP situation, the majority of responses would be "that's controlling behaviour".

I'm a man. I am not friends with any of my exes (not that many of them anyway). I wouldn't talk about my sex life with anyone, let alone an ex, but I am well aware a lot of women talk to their female friends about their sex lives.

I have many close female friends whom I have known for 20+ years. An ex of mine didn't like this fact and made it quite clear that I was not allowed to socialise separately with them - she always had to be there. Those were HER jealousy issues, not mine. I'm afraid she became an ex for that alone. No one has the rights to tell me who I can or can't see. There is respect for your partner, of course, but had those friends been men, she would never ever have suggested such a thing and I will not "dump" people I've known for half my life or more and been there for me through rough times for someone I've known for a year,

I certainly wouldn't be holding on to it after THAT long with someone
Well good for you, but as I understand it Op found out about it well after the fact and stated it would have been enough to leave at the time. So actually hasn't been hanging onto it all that long. Put a flirty text into the mix and it can be quite hurtful to find out after the fact that things were kept from you and your relationship obviously was having problems which you were unaware of. It unfortunately makes you wonder what else you don't know.
Under these circumstances I don't think yabu OP. If there were no flirty text and sex talk yes, but the fact there was, you were unaware, and your DP wouldn't be happy if the situation were reversed points to the fact you are better off with her out of the picture and DP should understand that. Of course, he probably doesn't, as he doesn't see a problem with a flirty text to an ex while with you...

@FritzDonovan thanks for that. I honestly don't think I'm being unreasonable, but I think that's because I know I'd act differently if the roles were reversed.

My DH gets uncomfortable if I'm talking to a man he doesn't know at a party, so he'd not be keen if I spoke about our stuff with an Ex.

I've decided to leave it be., bearing in mind that we're otherwise happy. Although, I may well respond to an Ex the next time. In fact I still have the friend request from two of them and it might be nice to catch up after all these years.