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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I seeing things?

56 replies

newnamechange84 · 27/03/2017 15:59

I posted last week about me and my DP. We've not been getting on the best - not really arguing just there being more of an atmosphere. I spoke to him on Friday night and said our relationship was starting to feel more like living with a friend than a partner e.g. He doesn't really greet me when he gets home, no hugs, kisses etc. Yesterday we had a lovely day together, lunch out, a nice long walk with his mum and partner and then tea with my parents and kids yesterday evening. It was a lovely day. So.. we were upstairs last night and I came downstairs first. My p's Facebook was logged into my laptop where I'd asked him to log in the night before so that I could print some pics off ready for his birthday. I opened the lid and a conversation he'd had with another woman came up. She's 22, they are friends apparently, although I did corner him a few weeks back when I noticed a text from her saying is myself with you? If she is I'll text later. I was suspicious but p said that friend just didn't want to be a pain. P has always been negative about this friends boyfriend, has messaged her before saying to dump him and that p cares about her etc. They've been chatting loads over the last few weeks. Anyway. The message I saw last night was p telling friend me and him had a chat the night before and that I'd said it felt like friends ATM and he'd agreed, even though he hadn't. She'd asked what he was going to do and would the relationship last and well I can't remember the rest cause I just panicked. If they're friends genuinely then fine I suppose he was just talking to a friend BUT when he came downstairs I confronted him about discussing our relationship with this girl and told him to look at the screen. He said there was nothing there and there wasn't, the conversation has completely disappeared. He completely denied having written it and said there was no way I could have seen that. I feel like I'm going mad, I'm questioning now whether I imagined it. We argued for ages and it eventually ended with me apologising, as I normally do. He did the whole my chest is killing me, deep breathing thing. This morning however he'd obviously messaged her in the night as she'd written 'what did she see?' And then 'yes you can text me instead as I don't have what's app'. He'd already left for work and this time I sent him pics of what I'd seen but he's still adamant that what I saw last night wasn't real. He maintains that they are just friends and that he hasn't discussed our relationship with her. Meanwhile I'm ready to go yesterday the Drs cause I think I'm going crazy. My ex used to do this kind of thing, say I hadn't seen something and then argue it with me and my p keeps saying 'I'm not like ex'. I don't know what I hope to achieve from this but I just needed to get it down. I feel like being gone to be honest, I love p to bits but I just don't know what's going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
newnamechange84 · 27/03/2017 19:29

Yes I think it must have been. I went on his fb messenger a few weeks ago and noticed he was using secret conversations

OP posts:
ddssdd · 27/03/2017 19:31

What a Shite.

Original poster
newnamechange84 · 27/03/2017 19:36

He has loads of girls who are friends. There is one who he doesn't see anymore. I stopped that after the constant texts and the one time I met her she flirted so much that even his genuine girlfriends, who I get on amazingly with, noticed it. There's just this girl. You go on her search history on fb and he searches her and her ex bf at least weekly.

OP posts:
OhBlissOhJoy · 27/03/2017 19:37

He's doing exactly what my STBXH did to me. Lying and gaslighting until he's got her where he wants her then he'll dump you. Sorry OP, it's in the cheater's script.

ddssdd · 27/03/2017 19:44

Find your strength, OP. You know what you saw. You did not imagine it. No matter how this situation is played, it will not end well. And you are not mad, but you will go stir crazy staying with a pathological liar. Please, get out & don't look back, while you have your marbles in tact. He's done a great number on you. That is why you are questioning your own sanity.

HeavenlyEyes · 27/03/2017 19:46

oh come on - no bloke is worth crashing into anything. Where is your anger? What on earth makes you mould yourself into what you think is their perfect woman to desperately cling on. Why can't you just be single. No man is worth any of this.

Again - freedom programme, counselling, Are you going to do any of this?

And please stop blaming some naive young girl. She could send him a million pics and he could block if he wanted but he has not - and he is sharing your private life with her. The fault is with him.

Alfiemoon1 · 27/03/2017 19:49

Sorry u are going through this op I have been in a similar situation and it's awful. U think u are going mad if it's innocent why delete it ? In my case it wasn't even sexting but it was the deleting text the finding out on the phone bill about their late night calls. The more annoyed I got saying I was unhappy about their friendship the more secretive he became and the more he dug his heels in about being told who he can and can't be friends with. Do u have access to his mobile bill then at least u can see how often he is texting her ?

JK1773 · 27/03/2017 20:02

Don't for one minute doubt yourself. He's a cruel manipulative liar. Don't believe a word he says. Trust yourself, you know what you saw. I had an ex like this, thought I was going mad. Sometimes you need a bit of distance to see things more clearly. Please look after yourself x

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2017 20:15

He's gaslighting you and he's cheating/planning on cheating. End of story.

Luciferthethird · 27/03/2017 20:20

You can link his WhatsApp account to your laptop. You have to have his phone for all of 30 seconds. Then you'll have evidence.

But at the end of the day if he's using secret conversations he's cheating the very least emotionally, I'm sorry if it was innocent he wouldn't be. He's an idiot and he'll realise when you leave him. Flowers
Stay strong I know it's hard but you can do this! I spent months trying to hold onto a man who didn't want me once I kicked him out and started seeing other people he tried to come running back.

Foxysoxy01 · 27/03/2017 20:22

Why on earth would you want to crash into something due to a bloke? Confused

Why would you even suggest ending your life for one man and tbh a shithead of a man at that? Are you not worth more than that? He is a lying, gaslighting, emotionally abusive dickhead and you think your life is worth less than that?

If you truly believe you are worthless without him then I suggest you get to the GP or therapy asap.

I can promise you that there is a better partner out there for you, one that will treat you with love and respect, the problem is until you start to love and value yourself then nobody else will love and value you but you are loveable and you are valuable you just need to realise that.

Mermaidinthesea · 27/03/2017 20:26

He is the worst kind of arsehole for Gods sake get out. It takes two to tango, a good man doesn't do this even if a woman puts it all on a plate before him. He is not a good man and anyone who makes you doubt your own sanity deserves to be booted out on the street without hesitation.
Don't want to be on this earth without him - for your kids sake grow up. He is clearly worthless shit. You are not afraid of being without him you are afraid of coping alone, I've been there. being alone and having happy kids is better than being with a man like this. You need to leave and learn that you are worthy of self respect not being treated like this.
You will never be happy unless you have self worth and have learnt it's ok to be alone. Rubbish blokes pick up on women with low self esteem like radar and use and abuse them.

Bones2017 · 27/03/2017 20:31

You aren't crazy by any means. I've had this done to me. It's clear gaslighting. Dump his sorry arse. You're worth better x

Dozer · 28/03/2017 08:35

So he's done this before. Why, instead of "putting a stop to it", didn't you just LTB the first time?

He is clearly a man who enjoys flirting (at best) with other women while in a relationship: why would you want a man like that?

springydaffs · 28/03/2017 08:48

I've tried my hardest to make sure I do what I can to make his life easier

And he's psychologically and emotionally torturing you.

You're not on the same page

Pookie100 · 28/03/2017 08:56

Having been here myself I know how this feels.
Can I tell you that this isn't about you, but about him needing to feel that he has other options and being unable to put boundaries in his female friendships - he doesn't want boundaries. He is a man who likes to have multiple options open to him at all times and once you have gone fully insane over this, he will leave because it's too much like hard work. Don't blame her, he's lining her up by 'needing a friend to talk to' and sucking her in as well. He's probably told her all kind of fibs.
Because he hasn't had sex with her it's easy to tell you it's innocent. He has a different idea than you as to what constitutes cheating which is why he isn't interested in stopping.
He has one foot out of the door of your relationship already and you are around his remaining ankle dragging him back in.
I know it's painful but this can't be fixed. He will leave you. So at this point you have to decide if you are going to take control NOW before it's even worse and you follow him in your car, search his phone constantly etc. He feels like a drug right? This is about your self worth. He saw you as easily manipulated and wanting to please him. He's not the man you dream of and you need to work on your own boundaries because he is pissing all over them

LellyMcKelly · 28/03/2017 09:13

Lying, cheating, toerag. Dump his sorry ass and watch him try to come crawling back. How dare he try to gaslight you like that.

PollytheDolly · 28/03/2017 12:38

Two words:

Gaslighting Cunt.

Original poster
newnamechange84 · 28/03/2017 14:29

Thanks for all the comments - yours especially pookie struck a few chords. I don't know if some of this is my fault though if I think about it. My ex-h was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive towards me and it's left me really paranoid which is why I ask p weekly if he's cheating/leaving etc. Surely you'd get fed if you were being accused all of the time. My sis has told me at points to calm down and she said she can see it a bit, although it's no excuse.

OP posts:
Pookie100 · 28/03/2017 14:42

Well yeah he will get fed up, but that is because he is doing something wrong and making you feel insecure. You have a bad past which he is USING to his advantage! Instead of recognising you have had a tough time and investing in your relationship.

You haven't imagined this out of nowhere. Google gas lighting - it's like a form of mind torture.

BUT the only 'fault' of your own is not healing from the past before entering a new relationship. A man can't save you or make all that bad stuff feel better and your judgment is clearly damaged. You need to get away from this man for your own sanity, he doesn't suit you or treat you nicely, you need to heal and deal with the past. Sometimes we try to almost re-enact relationships to try to make this one the good one, that works. Truth is laid bare he is no good for you

Adora10 · 28/03/2017 15:08

OP, being single is not a death sentence you know, talks of crashing your car etc need to stop now; you know what you are dealing with so try and treat it as business like as you can; keeping your emotions down at least until the rat has gone from your life.

If this is the second arsehole you have ended up with as you say then spend some time on your own; you don't HAVE to be in a relationship especially one like this!

bloodyfuming9 · 28/03/2017 18:34

If you have to ask weekly if he's leaving you/ seeing someone else etc then that's no way to live in a relationship. You're worth more than that!

Original poster
newnamechange84 · 03/04/2017 12:40

I feel like such a twat. They're definitely not having a physical affair but he's told her she looks stunning in a fb pic and that he loves her for having text him first on his birthday. I tried really hard to make sure he had a good birthday and I've booked a huge party for him for next weekend and I feel like I've been blind and stupid. I've also found evidence that he definitely lied to me about seeing the original message

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 03/04/2017 12:46

Cancel the party - take your dc away for the week end and tell him to clear his stuff out before you get back. .
If you are sure he hasn't slept with her then it's only because you caught him out before he could!!

CMamaof4 · 03/04/2017 13:02

What a pig, You are so much better off with out him, He sounds like a real emotional abuser, Stuff the party leave him to it.
Agree with above poster, Go on a little break with your child instead, You are better off on your own than with someone like that.

Remember there are millions of men on this earth don't settle for someone who treats you bad because you are just in effect wasting your time.

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