Hello,
I would really like some advice please. I have been with my H 21 years and married for 15. We have 2 gorgeous children born through donor ivf (egg & sperm - my eggs were too old 40 Years and H sperm had incorrect chromosomes) after 5 failed rounds of IVF. H struggles with the fact that they are not genetically his which i can understand to some degree but as far as I am concerned (and the rest of the family - their Nan;s, uncles, aunts etc) they are my children 1000% (easier for me as I carried them and gave birth to them).
We have always had ups and downs and H is a big drinker which has not helped at all.
Whilst pregnant with my dd (my second child - which H encouraged me to have so she would have a genetic link to our DS even though he struggles with the donor issue) I suffered the most horrendous verbal abuse in front of my DS (who was only 2 at the time) for example being called a C*t mostly - and when I asked him why he was being so vile he said it was because I acted like a c*t. He basically become an alcoholic and drank huge amounts of wine and beer every night on an empty stomach and was fine while he was drinking before he passed out on the sofa, but it was the aftermath - the hangover and tiredness the next day, every day, was when the abuse came and I walked on egg shells for about 6 months. I was terrified of telling anyone (except my mum) in case it stressed me out even more and thought the stress might harm my baby. Thankfully she was born healthy, but H carried on drinking leaving me to do all the night feeds until she was 6 months old. Before I went to have our second embryo transferred he promised me he would stop drinking (in fact, has promised me this for years but it never happened so I don't know why I was so stupid to believe him - and drank heavily when DS was born as well.)
He has since apologised for the abuse and said 'I wan't myself" at the time and said he won't be like that again.
18 months on he has just started going to AA but still drinking about 3 nights a week and thinks he can control it. But now my DS is nearly 4 and H is always shouting at him and DS shouts back. H will often get in DS face and blow hot and cold with him. This morning H growled at DS and I have just come to the point where I can't have him doing this to my DS although DD can't do any wrong in his eyes. And I just can't forget or forgive his verbal abuse - especially as I was pregnant at the worst of it.
I have asked advice from my Mum who I am very close to but she says I have to do what I think is right and just wants to see he happy and knows I am very impressionable so will not tell me what to do. I can stay at my mums initially but we will have to find a place of my own at some point but don't know how we will cope financially but I need to take it a day at a time.
Am i doing the right thing taking the children away from their father. He does love them and always apologies to DS after he calms down but I can't have DS growing up thinking it is acceptable to shout and H and I are always arguing which is also not good for the children to witness.
I am so lucky to have my children after spending 11 years trying and love them so much I don't want them to be affected by this. My father left when i was four so I never wanted this to happen to my own children. Is leaving the best decision??
Thanks for reading.