Please help me calm down so I don't message future MIL

[Isthismummy]

Because right now my fingers are itching to do it!

Myself and dp are having a truly shitty time of it atm. The weekend before last we were told I am starting peri menopause on the same day we were due to begin an ivf cycle. It was cancelled, the NHS now won't help us and we are devastated.

DP text his DM yesterday morning wishing her happy Mother's Day and saying he would call her later. In response he gets the shittiest text about how she doesn't want him to bother, he never gets in touch with her/cares about her, how he treats her like shit and he's on his own from now on! She also said she sent the same text to his middle brother who is "just as bad as you" DP tried ringing her, but she wouldn't pick up. Apparently she has followed this tactic on several previous mothers days.

I should add this is a woman who threw them both out as teenagers and has hardly done a thing for them since. Mother of the year she ain't!

It's not as if she spent the day alone. She tagged herself on Facebook later the day scoffing afternoon tea with her husband and her ten year old DS.

She doesn't know about our fertility struggles, but this morning I am desperate to text her and put her bloody straight. To treat us like that on a day when we were feeling raw already has.made me beyond furious.

We are getting married in June and sent invites out last week. She is the only guest to not have messaged us to say she got invites, how nice they are etc.

I hate her already and she's not even my MIL yet. How do I deal with this? I really want DP to go NC, but he's too scared of her.

She doesn't know about our fertility struggles, but this morning I am desperate to text her and put her bloody straight

Your MIL2B is a Grade A bitch.

No point in telling her about your struggles. She's hardly the caring sensitive type, is she? You don't get water from a dry well, as I always say.

Glad to hear your DH is mad with her and won't see her. At least you're on the same page. You both need to come up with a game plan to manage the MIL Monster in advance. Have a heart-to-heart about just how you are going to keep a united front against her onslaughts. Consider NC or reduced contact - whatever works for you.

There is a lot of great reading out there about Toxic Parents.

Your dm is probably worried about you, and possibly doesn't know much about egg donation. Sometimes people don't know what to think, feel or say when it does to medical issues, especially sensitive matters.
We thought long and hard about it ourselves, but for various reasons, decided not to go ahead with it, but I am sure there are many on mumsnet would can give you advice and support.

floraeasy We're going to have to go for egg donation as it's very doubtful my ovaries are up to the job. There's no free treatment available for it, so we're going to have to pay. We will go abroad for treatment.

We will stand firm against her. Luckily we don't see her much in person anyway.

I really don't want her at our wedding. She doesn't deserve to be there quite frankly. It makes me furious just thinking about it. She married her new DH last year and didn't even invite us! I guess I'll just have to suck it up though and pretend she isn't there!

I think you're right about her being worried CoolCarrie I wil go home and see my parents soon (they live at other end of country) and discuss it with them.

ED definitely isn't for everyone, but we know 100% that we want to persue it. I've found the infertility board on here invaluable these last few months.

I'm sorry for your struggles. Infertility is a special kind of hell

So sorry for tough time you're going through OP.

Agree with the others that while it's understandable you want to stick up for your DP and tell her to back the fuck off, it'll only make you vulnerable and she'll know she can hurt you as well as your DP.

I didn't see anyone else mention it but I highly highly recommend Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B003WJRE4Q/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

It's often suggested reading on MN and I have found it incredibly helpful, Freaky in places actually seeing people you know in black and white. How I wish my Mum had been able to read it and get some strategies in place to protect herself and us from my toxic grandma! Thankfully I recognised the grandma echoes in my DHs Mum and read as much as I could get my hands on. You're in a good place before your wedding to find ways to protect yourself.

I really hope you have a beautiful wedding and a long happy marriage. You both sound so lovely.

We're going to have to go for egg donation as it's very doubtful my ovaries are up to the job. There's no free treatment available for it, so we're going to have to pay. We will go abroad for treatment

This is what your focus needs to be on.

To hell with that witch of a MIL.

Don't tell her your plans. Just focus on you, your DH and your health. You don't need the stress this awful woman is causing you.

On the wedding itself, my in laws didn't come to our wedding. Things had disintegrated so badly beforehand that we didn't invite them but they wouldn't have come anyway and we had a teeny tiny do.

Yes, DH was sad to not have them there, but the sadness was about the shitness of the relationship, not their absence at the wedding. We can look back on a truly perfect day and beautiful photos with only people who love and support us surrounding us.

It'll be fine if future MIL is there, get trusted friends to manage her! But don't let yourselves be pushed around in order to make sure she's there. There are worse things than people not being at your big day - people there who are bastards and will tarnish your joy with their stress and toxicity.

I am really sorry about your news isthis

write out what you want to say to this nightmare woman but don't send it.
She would lap it up and she wouldn't care. Responding to your devastating news in an uncaring way would only make you and your DP feel worse.

I hope you get the family you want, whatever way it comes to you.

OP I have one if those MIL's. Lots of "you don't give a shit" texts and screaming down the phone at my DH over the most ridiculous of things including us having the cheek to move away 30 miles so we could afford to buy a house. Who was going to look after his adult siblings? How selfish of my DH! It went on and on and on over approximately 5 years. I'd stick a smile on my face and suck it up for DH every time he attempted to try and fix their relationship.

It's been nearly a year now since we last saw her and about 8 months since he's spoken to her. Her choice. She just won't admit to being in the wrong so would rather not see DH or our children. It's really bloody sad to be honest. I know it racks DH with guilt but he's got to a point where it will break him going through the same cycle every other month.

You have my sympathy.

I wish you all the best on your journey with ED.

Did he send her a card?

He probably needs to withdraw the wedding invite or she'll make the day abut her instead of you two.

Another vote here for Toxic InLaws by Susan Forward.

It quite literally saved my sanity.

So sorry you and your DH are going through such a shitstorm, OP.

Thank you for all the kind words everyone. It is really appreciated

I will definitely get hold of a copy of Toxic Inlaws. I think I might be needing it. Thanks for the suggestion AnneLovesGilbert Fistbump of solidarity to all the others out there coping with mad inlaws.

I would love to withdraw the invite harmlesschap but we shall see. I don't think she'll manage to make the day about her though tbh. She's quite socially awkward, so I suspect she'll feel a bit overawed by my family and friends. I'm more worried about her making a show with DP's DF. They are divorced and hate each other.

Yes, she did get a card Stripeymug it was posted same day as wedding invite which she has also failed to acknowledge. The invite asked her to rsvp by 1st April. If she doesn't can I assume she's not coming?

Well then, she had a card and a text, she is being unreasonable but I don't see any benefit in telling her your fertility issues. Focus on you and DH

We won't be telling her anything now. This thread has helped me to see it would be a really bad idea. I'll discuss it with DP tonight of course, but I'm pretty sure he will agree with me.

Still clinging onto the hope that she doesn't rsvp

Oh my god this looks like I could have written your post!
Expect it's my mum that's the drama queen texting stuff like that - I too have fertility issues (on 4th ivf cycle which they know nothing about).

Not much advice other than to try and ignore it. From my experience when I've tried to reason/argue it's just got worse. Better to let them think what they want then when you are in a better place/frame of mind you can be the bigger person and tell her about the time you went through this shitty experience - you remember it well because you didn't see her that Mother's Day!!