OH struggles with DSD - I don't know what to do?

[Minky9]

OH and I have been together for over 4 years and we have a DS (newborn). We have lived together for 3 years and I have a DD (8) from a previous relationship.

I split up with her Dad when she was very young so for a long time it was just me and her and I'm not ashamed to say she is everything to me so I am aware my view might be skewed.

Anyway, on the whole she is very well behaved. Outstanding at School, very caring, funny and loving. However she is very 'adult' like. The way she talks, how she thinks she should behave. And that is solely because for a long time she didn't have a lot of interaction with other children. Coupled with general 8 year old attitude and not listening... my OH finds her very difficult to deal with.

He thinks I am not strict enough and undermines him when he disciplines her.

I think he is too strict and I'll be honest I find it difficult when anyone tells her off.

He's said at times he dislikes her when she's rude. Which I can completely understand as I don't particularly love it either when she behaves like that but it breaks my heart.

We've had a terrible Mother's Day ending up with a huge row. All because she said something that he took the wrong way. I told him he was being over sensitive and reacting like a child. He said I wasn't understanding to how it made him feel.

So we've all gone to bed crying.

I feel like we're at a crossroads and I don't know how to get over it. We have a son together and I really don't want to split up our family. However I can't see how we are going to work through this. And I'll be honest how can I stay with someone who, at times, actively dislikes my daughter?

It's so hard because he treats her like his own, supports us financially etc. And I think that's the thing. He sees her as his own so thinks it's completley normal that he can at times, not 'like' her, lose his temper etc.

At times I don't like her ! But I love her with every ounce of my being and the thought of him not liking her breaks my heart.

Am I being over sensitive? Does anyone with blended families offer any support/advice?

My dh is step dad to all my children and I get that feeling of someone else telling them off but I am also aware of some of my own short comings when disciplining when I was on my own as a single parent. It actually helped having dh give a far less emotionally objective view at times because there were things of my own doing...especially with my ds1 that frustrated me but I didn't have the energy at times when I was on my own and often took the path of least resistance.
I was also an unlikeable child I can look back objectively and say that as a parent myself. There is a big age gap between me and my siblings and we lived very remotely so I spent most of my time in adult company. A child that behaves like an adult in the way I think you mean is not nice to be around sometimes and although what your Dd said may have been meant as a joke I can see why your dh felt it was rude especially if it is one in a long list of things that weren't age appropriate for an 8 year old.
I have a very highly strung child ds1 who I often hunk would have been better as an only child because of his personality but I didn't do some of that any favours but I would have been very cross indeed if he'd still been stamping his feet in a rage at 8 years old.
I think you need to try and look objectively at yourself in this and see if there is any merit in what your dh is saying. Like I said from my own experience having dh who was less emotionally entwined I'm my dc in the earlier days was actually a huge help in tackling some of the behaviour I didn't like either. Kids do get told off and your desire to not have her feel sad ever is not going to do her any favours in the long run and she will eventually use that attitude on the wrong person. You need to tackle it now.

I don't like the idea of kids having "age appropriate" things they can say, and grown ups not liking a child to say something that would be ok for an older person to say. Obviously I am not talking about things which consenting adults say to one another in private; I am talking about the normal interactions in a mixed group of adults and children.

People aim to get more tactful, polite, and articulate as they get older.

Well, IMO it wouldn't have been ok for an adult to have said it either. If an adult said that the mum was taking the baby so the dad could have a rest I might consider it was either meant sarcastically or supportive of the dad, but given how the dad took it I would veer more towards sarcastic.

In fact if a poster posted in aibu saying that someone had said it to them they would be told they were not and the person saying it was rude, insensitive, possibly even abusive if it were their partner.

So to my mind if it's not ok for an adult to have said it and IMO it's not ok,) then it's not ok for a child to say it either.

I think I would take the comment the same way as your DP actually. I wouldn't be reduced to tears but I would find it rude. You need to sit down together and decide how best to approach this. If you allow it to continue this way it will drive a wedge.

Wanna I don't know if you were specifically responding to me...

Of course sometimes it's ok for kids to say things that are unacceptable for adults to say, because kids are still learning. Kids learn at different rates and will make comments which would be rude from an older person, but are fine from a child (like a 3 year old saying "Mummy that's a big poo", etc).

In this case, an 8 year old will not necessarily be aware that a new father might be hypersensitive about not being able to comfort a baby. She can be told how it makes him feel, gently, and always remembering that it is hard for an 8 year old to have a newborn sibling, especially a half-sibling, (whom she might assume strict step-dad might love more than he loves her).

You know that your relationship with her is skewed and needs addressing. To break your heart because someone says they don't like her is way over the top, no wonder she can get away with saying nasty things.

You need to wake up and start being the parent here, she's not your best friend, she's not your partner, she's a child. She needs boundaries and consequences, not someone throwing her rubbish in the bin for her.

I don't know how I would have taken what she said, but the point is that it upset your partner. If you know he's generally a great dad and you know your daughter can be, how can I say this nicely......tricky at times? then you need to take steps to support them both. Support him by backing him up and not letting her speak to him like a piece of dirt on her shoe. And support her so she can finally be a child again instead of her thinking she's your equal and has to be the grown up.

Honestly, if you don't sort this out it really doesn't bode well for the future.

I have to agree with wannabe. Your daughter implied that your DH is a slacker who isn't engaging with his child. She was sarcastic. You said yourself she behaves in an 'adult' i.e, precocious way. So its not the words but the intention of the words, and yes, I can absolutely see, how if I were a DSM in that situation how upset I'd be if you just started minimising her attiude.

Children will absolutely exploit any loopholes they can in order to get their own way. That's only natural, they're children! I actually admire your daughter, she sounds clever, and if she engages in this much verbose sparring in other contexts, she must make for a thoughtful and sparky debater, and be great at English, however, she has seen that you and dh are not on the same page and is using that sharp mind to undermine your relationship.

And you are facilitating it.

From her perspective, she had you all to herself. She was on an equal footing to you. Now some new man has come along, and your daughter is making it clear that in her mind, he is not on the same footing, she does not recognise his status, and she knows that you will back her up or at least fail to effectively intervene.

I can understand how hard this must be, but are you actually saying you are prepared to never have another relationship because of your dd? Because that's what you're suggesting. What makes you think she'll like any other guy you marry? You are going to let your marriage be undermined by her, when one day she'll leave and get on with her own life?

You also have your other dc to consider. Why should he face an uncertain future because you cannot work together to modify your daughter's behaviour?

I think getting some help like a parenting workshop, or some joint counselling would work. But if you can override your reluctance, and just support your dh when he disciplines her, she will soon see you are on the same page and start to respect your marital relationship more.

We have a blended family and i also have an 8 year old daughter. I have really noticed in the last few months her developing a new, not always pleasant attitude. I would say your partner overreacted but i wouldn't assume that the dig he felt wasn't your daughters intention. Mine is also clever and very adult, so she knows what she means when she's being hurtful. (DD-"You look white in the face mum". Me; "Oh, cheers". DD-"It wasn't a compliment."

Its so hard because I've told my partner that i don't feel he needs to be as strict as me and i feel as step-dad its okay for him to be more fun/relaxed so that they can enjoy a unique relationship. The differences are A)My DD would never be allowed to be rude to him and B) They already have two very strict parents (me and exh)

Your daughter is coping with a lot of change, and is growing up- i think some sympathy is definitely required and would mention this to your DH. He's feeling unsettled, imagine what she feels like.

I'd say a good chat with her on speaking to elders is required, plus sticking to firm boundaries (from you) with a little love-bombing chucked in

Whether he is being over sensitive depends on the way it was said and whether it was said in such a way to make come across as belittling, as the OP says she does act in an adult way I would expect that she already has the communication skills to use tone to go beyond words.

It may also be worth considering whether such statements are a learned sentiment from mother which DsD is repeating and what the mother's reaction was and whether he was more upset by that reaction than the initial statement.

I.e. if DsD said it in a way that there was intent to demean DsF and the mother then dismissed her disrespectful comments (thereby undermining his attempts to stop them) then I think he has every right to feel like this.

Honestly thank you all so much. From the support to the constructive criticism.

I can wholeheartedly see where I have failed as a parent and I need to address this. I've had a good chat with my Mum also, and she says the same. I've let this happen and I need to start turning it around now before it's too late.

I still believe OH overreacted to her comment however can see how he was upset by it. And I shouldn't have undermined him in front of her.

We've had a brief chat this morning (around school run and feeding baby!) and we are going to look at a few of the parenting courses this evening.

No doubt this is going to be a tough journey but I can see it's not going to end well for anyone if we don't jointly start making a change.

I'm a complete fantasist and want everything to be perfect all the time. OH says I live in a bubble! Looks like I'm going to have to burst it and join the real world.

I don't want a broken home for both my children. And equally I don't want two rude children who manipulate situations.

First things first I will be having a chat with my daughter this evening about boundaries and when not to make comments or get involved. And think of a discipline strategy that will work for both of us.

We do have to take in to account how a new baby might be affecting her also. OH has suggested every weekend for us to have some time together, an hour or so, so that she doesn't feel pushed out.

Thank you all once again. I am determined to make this work xx

harmless chap

Yes he was equally annoyed at the way I reacted. She was told not to be rude and go to her room and if front of her I told him he was 'overreacting'. He then got annoyed that I undermind him in front of her and stormed off.

So two issues.

Her rudeness and the fact that she seems to have no filter/gets involved at the wrong times etc

And the fact that I don't 'deal' with it and undermine him when he attempts to.

God I am awful aren't I :(

There's a massive brat in your family and it isn't your eight year old daughter. I'd warn him right off and he carried I would leave him. He's trying to make you dislike her as much as he does. Why the hell does she have to live with someone who doesn't like her at age right?

isadora your post was nasty. I hope to God you're no ones step parent.

Why did she have to go to her room? What she said wasn't that bad. He overreacted and he sounds clueless about parenting.

There's a massive brat in your family and it isn't your eight year old daughter. I'd warn him right off and he carried I would leave him. He's trying to make you dislike her as much as he does. Why the hell does she have to live with someone who doesn't like her at age right?

^^

This.

Is dh struggling to cope with baby? Sounds like he was being somewhat sensitive to an albeit not very nice comment but is he finding being a dad or a baby tough? Perhaps it hit a raw nerve?

I do think he overreacted hugely to her comment. He needs to get a thicker skin, she's 8 fgs.

It should never have got to the stage where you're all in high drama.

It should have been 'wow, that's a bit rude - foot out of mouth, please, dsd' and see how she responded. Not go to your room stuff.

He's lived with her for three years, known her for four and dislikes her. So presumably he's had a hand in "disciplining" her and helping bring her up during that time and really you'd think that after all this time and having known her at her youngest and cutest he'd have developed more of an attachment and "liking" for her wouldn't you? I'd be really concerned that a grown man was reacting like this to an eight year old that he's known half her life. It's not you OP. I think you're reacting instinctively to a situation where you know someone doesn't like your child and is trying to drive a wedge between you.

Ok don't be too harsh on yourself. You've done a really great job with your dd. She's quick-minded and very confident and you made her that. So take the credit!

She just needs a little consistency. As you said, the new baby is likely adding to any feeling of being supplanted in your affections.

It sounds like you and dh have a plan now, which is good and beneficial for everyone. These are growing pains that are part and parcel of a blended family. You are a great mum

You mention that your daughter is very 'literal' and that she has a very grown up way of talking, which are both similar to how my son is (he is 9 and on the spectrum). I am by no means being an arm chair diagnostician however I do think that if your daughter both takes things literal and is very literal in how she communicates, that this could cause her to come across as rude without her meaning to be. This is something you would need to work with your daughter on. I would be very interested in if your daughter understands the hidden meaning in the loaded comment that she made. Or whether she has observed that her step father was tired and she has observed your taking her baby brother and meant it literally.

We have been working hard to teach D's that he needs to be sensitive to the feelings of others. He mimics tones and conversations he has heard and is exploring sarcasm, irony and other hidden meanings hidden within social communication. Knowing the social issues that our son has, allows us to try to help him understand when he is being rude/ obnoxious/ ironic or sarcastic. It can be infuriating however it allows us to point out what he is actually conveying and there are times when he has been completely shocked to have been taken that way.

Our son speaks like a grown up purely from modelling his speech on the adults in his life, he struggles with understanding that he should be more respectful to grown ups . He can't understand why he can't talk to us like grown ups talk to each other. Which is a reasonable question, it can be difficult for him to grasp that his talking so plainly to an adult, could be construed as rude or arrogant.

I am not trying to justify your daughters rudeness, or to say she is autistic, however it does sound like she could do with some lessons/ discussions on hidden meanings/ sarcasm/ irony/ arrogance and just social skills in general.

There might be more info on social skills etc at

www.autism.org.uk

He needs to take a chill pill and stop getting offended about an 8 year old's comment! Kids that age can't see the big picture and whatever they see they will apply it to everything.

As for discipline, the best way is to be fair and constant and have very clear boundaries. Maybe sit down and discuss with your dh and then you all know where you stand.

OP, of course you had to undermime him in front of her as you knew she wasn't being rude or cheeky.

If you had been mean to her the poor thing would be too scared to speak again.

I agree he is trying to make you take sides and make you dislike her.

Don't apologise to him, she is only 8, he needs a thicker skin or to leave.

You are fine! You have done nothing wrong! You just had a baby, and your husband is acting like another baby.

He should be doing his best to reassure your dd that she is loved and adored, not sending her to her room for a comment that wasn't even rude, in my opinion. An hour on the weekend for you and your daughter to have some time alone doesn't sound like enough to me, and your dh definitely needs to see how he is being unreasonable, which I doubt he does, from the way you have described him.

Is he on an online forum somewhere, saying: "God I'm awful, aren't I?" (as you posted earlier) and worrying that he isn't doing everything to support his dsd?

I don't agree - he did overreact but it would have been better to say this to him out of her hearing. It wouldn't have done her any harm to have spent five minutes in her room and then to have a discussion (like the one you are going to have with her tonight) It is criticising your OH in front of her which makes her disrespect him.

I am sure you will work this out OP. You now both seem to be singing from the same hymnsheet.