Was this abusive?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I know the answer is probably yes. I'm just processing. He would put me down in public. He said 'why don't you go out with her then?' to a market trader who liked the same film I did. When we were walking around and I tried to hold his hand, he stuck his arm up in the air so I couldn't and then laughed when I cried. He criticised everything I did. He shouted at me when I dropped something on the floor and started going on about how clumsy I was. Once we were watching a film and I went up to the loo. When I came down he complained and said he was comfy on the sofa and said he'd go up. I went up instead and he watched the rest of the film. He was often sarcastic with me. His humour involved putting me down. He criticised my house constantly. Made a joke about how a woman on TV was so much better looking than I was.
Then we ended up doing a kind of bdsm thing, which I consented to, but the idea was that he'd sleep with other women and then tell me about it to humiliate me. When I used our safe word, he told me off as I wasn't using it for a serious enough situation. He didn't see me for two weeks and then came over at 1 am, drunk, knowing I was up at 6 for work. We had rough, unaffectionate sex and he called me a whore etc. He said that the other women would get his affection and cuddles. It was meant to be part of our sex game but I just felt abused. I messaged him the next day to explain how I felt. He just said 'OK. '
I eventually ended it. But I feel traumatised and I keep having flash backs and dreams of him sexually abusing me.

Yes 100℅ if you Google the freedom programme is highly recommend it for getting your head around things

Yes. He was abusive. None of it was your fault, you deserve to be treated much better than that. So sorry this happened to you, and well done for ending it.

Thank you. I hate myself for not ending it sooner. He said he'd never done this to anyone else. I felt dependent on him as he'd do jobs in my house and he'd pointed out all the flaws he needed to fix. I'm scared now of getting involved with anyone.

I feel like it's only just hit me properly 4 months on

But you DID end it and that's what counts. It can be hard to recognise an abusive situation when you are in the middle of it.

If you call women's aid they will be able to advise you on how to heal from this and learn how to spot the red flags of abuse earlier in future relationships.

You may find Lundy Bancroft's book 'why does he do that?' useful too.

He sounds seriously fucked up in the head. Thank goodness you got rid of him.

I will read that book. I have heard it recommended on here. Part of me feels it must be my fault. He always said he liked strong women and I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him. Part of me also wants him to know what he did, but I know he'd never face up to it and it'd be useless. It also wouldn't be good for me to contact him.
The worst thing was, when I ended it, he took a woman he'd been seeing as part of this 'game' to a wedding he had been going to take me to. She never knew shed been part of a game. He was messaging me while she had gone for a wax, telling me he'd send me pics of her. At that point I blocked him.

I colluded in the game and I hate myself for it

I keep thinking that he won't abuse her and he didn't abuse he ex wife. Because they are strong women and don't invite abuse like I did.
I told him I'd had an abusive childhood too. He was lovely in the beginning.

You ended it. That's good. It was definitely him at fault not you. Your mistake was accepting such a horrific level of abuse so often for so long. Can you pinpoint the first couple of things he did that should have made you bin him off? Examine what crazy thinking led you to not binning him right then.

He was really lovely for about 9 months or so. He then started to become less affectionate. He met my children and was critical about the way I disciplined them (he felt I let them get away with stuff).
It's hard because I think it started with jokes. Then he'd help me and clear out things in my house and point out flaws or mess. Which was very helpful and kind. Then that became more critical.
He became stressed at work and I felt like I was doing everything so as not to upset him.
We went to my friend's baby's naming day and he didn't speak to me for the whole time we were there. If I asked him a question I got monosyllabic replies.
Though I guess I should have walked away on date one when he talked incessantly about his ex wife and I learned her name and the fact they'd been split 4 months.

I am relieved it's over though.

What does the freedom programme involve?
Is it possible to turn someone into an abuser?
I feel that's what I did.

No no no, you did not turn him into an abuser. Could someone turn you into an abuser? No, he was on best behaviour at first, suppressing his urges, gradually ramping it up, you have boundary issues for some reason and kept forgiving each episode of bad behaviour, so he knew he was safe to reveal more and more of his true nature.

Get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and abusive men."

Learn about emotional abuse and you will soon learn that it was all him. You were just a person who stuck around to experience it instead of getting rid.

liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

Yes he did a lot of those things. I feel a bit like he crossed a lot of boundaries. I'm obsessing over telling him, but I think it's because I want to make it right. And I can't make it right. And he told me he wasn't sure of his feelings for me and the relationship ended. And I persuaded him to take me back. Why did I do that when it was abusive? So I asked for it in a way.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
None of this is your fault. Trying to make him see/acknowledge what he has done is unlikely to end well. I have escaped an abusive relationship and would recommend no contact with him at all. Use your time and energy for yourself and your children, not that abusive arsehole. He doesn't deserve anymore of your time.

Thank you. I haven't contacted him for 4 months and it's been better for me mentally

I don't think he'd ever acknowledge it. And any contact, positive or negative, would be hugely distressing for me.
I actually felt like I had some kind of ptsd. It felt like he'd sexually abused me, though he didn't because I consented I guess.

I remember him saying his ex wife had called him abusive on the divorce papers. I laughed because it was so beyond the realms of possibility that this sweet, lovely man could ever be abusive.

Abusers often are sweet to begin with though. If they showed their true colours from the start no woman would ever have a relationship with them. It's so hard when you start to see what was really happening in a relationship with an abuser, but you can get through this.

Google "coercive consent".

Yes. It was very abusive.

To echo others, yes - he was very abusive. He was abusive to others too. Any consent you gave to anything was coerced.

He was never kind and helpful, he was always, between the lines, taking control; he was shaping your environment as he tested out how he would shape you into his creature. He refused to accept the safe word - huge red flag aside from the fact you wanted none of it anyway. This takes him into the zone of actually being potentially dangerous.

You did very well indeed to get rid of him. You listened to instinct, accepted that it felt wrong and got rid of him. You did it fairly quickly too which is an achievement! He has probably triggered all sorts of underlying memories of previous abuse but you said NO to all of it by ending with him. Well bloody done!

I originally was OK with the sex game but when I asked if he would stop for a bit, he said he wanted to get it out of his system and I felt pressured to continue. I used the safe word when he was asking how many women he could sleep with and I wanted him to calm down. He said he was only joking and that I'd devalue the safe word if I used it like that.