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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please reassure me!!

50 replies

Princessmollygolly · 25/03/2017 22:27

Please help me snap out of feeling shit. I've been pretty to a classic player seeking ONS but it's left me reeling a bit. Please tell me he sounds like a jerk!!

(Met on dating app)
Tons of messaging from the get go for 4 days til we actually met up. V over the top flattery- "you're soooo gorgeous" (in my pics), "we'll get on really well", "you're such a catch" etc
Wanted to meet for a drink at 10pm after he finished work
On date, commented that in a couple sitting near us "the girl was really punching above her weight. She's a 3 and he's a 9"...
before proceeding to rate himself a 9.5 and smugly day "when people have been telling you you're good looking all your life you start to believe them"
Said his past tinder dates had failed as either the women were "amazing" at sex but "dim", or "boring" at sex but "interesting"
Future faking - "we'll do this", "we'll go there" within about an hour of meeting
Flattering me on the date "you could make a bin bag look good" "you're so much hotter than your photos"
Complaining that women shouldn't expect men to pay on a first date m
He Suggested he come home with me, I stupidly agreed, he suggested we get an uber and then expected me to order and pay for it
After sex immediately gave a sort of critique- "you don't like having your hair pulled do you" me:"no" him (quite annoyed) "well why didn't you just say don't pull my hair??" Then "you didn't want me to go down on you did you?" Me: "what?" Him:"you stopped me" (I find it more intimate than PIV and to be honest just didn't want oral in the encounter, but him bringing it up made me feel really embArrassed and weird, I have since been asking myself if I had let him go down on me would I have passed the "amazing"/"boring" sex test?!? I don't think he should have mentioned it if he thought I didn't want it there was no reason to bring it up later
He didn't contact me again.... after 4 straight days of literally blowing up my phone pre-sex. I texted him something light and he just ignored on what's app.

Jerk- right??

Feel so taken in! Sad any uplifting words would be great...

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 26/03/2017 15:20

It's all about the confidence. Woman do fall for it a lot & you were swept along.

Put it down to experience. He sounds like a right prick.

Esoteric · 26/03/2017 18:31

It's guys like this that keep many of us in less than ideal marriages/relationships, the thought of meeting someone like this brings me out in hives!!! At the first sign of anyone rating people when out with them, pick up your bag and say 'actually I rate you as a total dickhead' and walk out leaving your half of the bill

frieda909 · 26/03/2017 22:02

Yes, all the signs were there but it's all too easy to ignore them when you're having a good time with an attractive man! Just shrug it off, it was an one-night stand. Nothing wrong with it, and hopefully you enjoyed it! But if you choose to go home with someone on a first date in future, try to view it as just a fun thing without any long-term expectations.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 26/03/2017 22:07

So if I hadn't gone home wth him it might have turned out different and it could have turned into something worth having? That's what kills me. I don't even know why I went for the sex I wasn't intending to and could have taken or left it. Just hate the idea that I messed it up. There's no way he was worth having right?!

OP posts:
Gallavich · 26/03/2017 22:12

It would never turn into something worth having with him because he's a total dick
How are you not getting that?

user1490562344 · 26/03/2017 22:14

Youll probably go out and shag someone else this weekend......so dont worry about it......what do you expect from a tinder date!?

category12 · 26/03/2017 22:15

No, there was nothing you could have done differently that would have turned this into something worth having - because he isn't worth having.

You pointed out all the things he did. if you hadn't fucked him that night, he might have kept chasing until you did, but it would always end up the same. And he may yet come back for another go, since he's obviously got the patter down.

Give your head a wobble. You just had sex with someone. he wasn't a particularly nice person. It happens. Next!

Gallavich · 26/03/2017 22:19

what do you expect from a tinder date!?

What does this mean? Tinder dates are literally just dates

BumbumMcTumtum · 26/03/2017 22:26

....did you enjoy the sex?

I mean, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having sex on a spur of the moment thing.

But my gut feeling is anyone who "rates" other couples is bound to be a bit conceited, and there's a few more there red flags.

If you want to have sex again, then by all means.
If you want a relationship with him, then I wouldn't bother. Doesn't really sound like relationship material.

Don't be scared to continue OLD though. But don't let anyone make you feel like shit. It's ok to not like certain things in bed. You don't need to justify that to anyone.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 26/03/2017 22:39

The sex was ok but I was really drunk. It felt quite rushed and like he wanted to show off his prowess (which was ok.. it just wasn't the best sex ever.) immediately afterwards he was demanding why I hadn't told him to stop doing something if I didn't like it and wanting to know why I didn't let him go down on me!? Which put a dampener on it a bit.
I just feel like I could have easily left the sex off the menu. I don't know why I did it, I had work the next day too. I wanted to talk to him a bit more rather than just sleep with him as I did have reservations. He did a good job of bringing me round to him after a sceptical start.
I have had all sorts of thoughts, was I not sweet enough (I'm quite naturally dry/not adoring or easily impressed), am I not interesting enough (arty in spare time but definitely not in my line of work), am I too shy in bed (not when I know someone but def before that).... I've had some unsuccessful dates for no obvious reason and I guess I'm convinced it's me.
But he wasn't perfect either. He didn't come across great either. I need to remember that.

OP posts:
Doc1308 · 26/03/2017 22:47

When did life get so hard???..meeting up used to be so much easier and you'd think with online etc meeting right person would be easier...

BumbumMcTumtum · 26/03/2017 22:55

I think the thing is to remember that you like yourself. It's ok to like what you like. Sometimes that means you don't "click" with someone.

Try not to get disheartened.

frieda909 · 26/03/2017 22:58

So if I hadn't gone home wth him it might have turned out different and it could have turned into something worth having?

That's not what I meant at all and I'm sorry if my post came across that way!

What I meant was that a first date is a first date. Whether you sleep together or not, there can't be many expectations at that stage. If you hadn't slept with him, he still might never have contacted you again and you'd probably be thinking 'that's a shame but it was only one date, never mind' and you'd get over it soon enough. So all I mean is that if you do decide to sleep with someone on the first date, try not to let that raise your expectations beyond what you'd normally expect after a first date. Does that make sense?

I think the problem is that because (as you see it) the ball was left in his court, you're feeling sore about being rejected and wondering if you could have done something differently. But let's imagine for a moment that he WAS still keen afterwards and wanted to see you again... then, based on everything you've told us, would you even want to?!

A man who talks about previous sexual partners on a first date and slags off the woman on the next table is NOT a man many people would want a second date with. Hell, he probably even knows that himself. It sounds like that suits him just fine!

For what it's worth, I'm a firm believer that when a guy is right for you he won't give a damn whether you sleep with him on the first date or not. So don't waste time wondering whether things might have been different if you hadn't. I can tell you right now, they wouldn't. He might have stuck around for a couple more dates in the hope that you'd put out eventually, but that would have been it.

Gallavich · 27/03/2017 06:43

Mate, you really don't have it together enough to be dating tbh. Your self esteem is way too low. You're blaming yourself for not being sweet or interesting when it is perfectly obvious this man is just a shitty person. Why is your bar so low that you blame yourself for a man's flaws?
Go take some time to work this out before you date again.

ZombieApocalips · 27/03/2017 07:36

Just be grateful that you know what he's like now.

Even if you'd waited a few dates until sex, the same thing would have happened. You need to learn some lessons from this like don't do stuff that you don't want to do and watch out for the red flags. A 10pm meet up using Tinder with a man who grades women out of 10 etc = red flag party

ShatnersWig · 27/03/2017 08:33

What Gallavich said. I really don't think you should be dating right now.

Isthismummy · 27/03/2017 08:36

Rule for the future...never date a man who rates women out of 10. You'll save yourself a lot of hassle and upset.

glassspider · 27/03/2017 12:31

It would never have turned into anything worth having because he was a helmet. It was nothing you have done wrong. It's him, not you. Please stop worrying about him, he isn't worried about you, and he isn't worth your time or energy.

category12 · 27/03/2017 12:35

What @isthismummy said.

Adora10 · 27/03/2017 12:39

Signs were all there OP but hindsight is a wonderful thing; he sounds a complete asshole; you will have learn a lesson here though; chalk it up to experience and don't allow any other man to make you feel inferior; love yourself!

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/03/2017 12:50

Look at it this way - isn't it better that you discovered on the first date just what a tosser he is, rather than spending loads of dates 'getting to know' him (and possibly getting emotionally entangled), only to have him sleep with you and then cut all contact straight afterwards? Because that's what this kind of bloke does - it's all about the conquest, he doesn't want a relationship.

You just got it out of the way nice and early, and now you can move on to building your self esteem and finding a nice man who values you for you.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 27/03/2017 15:17

A very quick bit of instagram stalking tells me he has a girlfriend (or did have exactly 1 week prior to our date..: she posted about their romantic evening, he posted "love you soooo much" etc-- she appears to be on a 2 week holiday. He didn't waste much time in playing the field while the cats away Hmm
Utter joke. So cross this made me feel bad for a few days.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 27/03/2017 15:25

What an utter jerk he is. Don't beat yourself up about it - am presuming you used condoms?

It sounds like you knew he was a dickhead but maybe the booze made you misjudge the situation a little bit? Sadly there are plenty of wankbadgers like him out there and the best way to weed them out is to not drink too much so your wankbadger radar is fully functioning during the date.

Better luck next time Flowers

Ellisandra · 27/03/2017 15:27

Two lessons there...
Don't get drunk on a first date - keep your wits about you!
And always do your Instagram stalking in advance!

What an arsehole he is.

frieda909 · 27/03/2017 15:49

Oh blimey. As if he wasn't enough of a twat without being a thoroughly predictable cheating bastard as well!

Chalk it all up to a crash course in what to avoid in future, and don't give it another thought!

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