Can't get over this

[Bobbins43]

I'll try not to drip feed here but this happened a long time ago and I feel I should be over it but I'm not.

I was part of a group of six friends at secondary school. We had the expected pairings off every now and then but I felt quite close to R. We'd been friends for about three years and pretty close, when one half term, during our A-levels, she left our school and stopped speaking to me completely.

She cut me out and wouldn't respond to any phone calls. I was quite a naive teenager and kept phoning until her mum had to spell it out for me and tell me that she didn't want to speak to me and if I didn't stop calling, she would call the police. I would like to add here that I wasn't phoning her every five minutes or anything. I was just concerned for my friend who I hadn't heard anything about.

What also really hurt was she kept in touch with everyone else in the group except me. I got really depressed afterwards and was really unhappy for a long time. I feel like this has unintentionally affected most of my adult relationships. I am a people pleaser and try really hard to be accommodating to friends but I am terrified that people will leave me at the same time and can't believe or trust most people. I can't understand why anyone would want to be friends with me.

This happened 18 years ago now. I recently started counselling and this has just come up and I am kind of shocked with myself that I still care so much.

I don't want it to sound like I am blaming her for my issues - they are entirely my own but I'm never going to get an answer as to why she did this. How do I move past this? I was utterly devastated by it as a teenager and I want to be able to draw a line under it all

Thanks for reading this far x

18 years is a long time, why do you think you're still dwelling on it?

Were you too clingy? Did you maybe think more of the friendship than she did?

I don't think so. We met up outside of school and stuff but had plenty of time apart. I used to help out in the school library a lot so didn't see masses of her.

I think I'm still dwelling on it because I felt like I must have done SOMETHING or that there was something wrong with me which is why she did it

You need to accept that you'll never get answers. Even if you did do something wrong, she didn't have the decency to be upfront with you, and that's her problem. Who needs friends like this? Is there absolutely nothing you can put your finger on what it could've been? Something very minor/petty?

Absolutely nothing. We went on half term and everything seemed fine. I had absolutely no inkling that she was going to leave and none that she would cut me out so completely

Op I think you can overthink these things (in the nicest possible way!). I was probably your friend in this equation at the age of 16/17. Had two really close friends, got myself a boyfriend. Was beyond insecure that if I didn't spend every minute with him then he would dump me so I just let myself drift away from the 2 girls. One in particular was my absolute best friend ever. Never had a friend like her since, never will. And if I let myself think about it for too long now (20 years later) I kick myself for being such a dick. I just didn't know any better (and yes I got my just desserts as the same bf sent the following 10 years treating me like shit and i had no one to confide in). I guess my point is YOU probably didn't do anything wrong at all so try to think of it as her being a dick to do that to you.

What did the other friends say about it?

Kids don't just suddenly leave school mid term , I guess you know that. She was moved for a reason. Do you know why?

Sounds like she maybe had stuff going on that she wanted to keep from you, something personal. And it wasn't you atall.

My other friends basically just shrugged their shoulders and said "We don't know why she won't speak to you anymore".

She moved, it turns out, because she didn't think the science a-levels were being taught well enough so she went to college to do them there, I think.

I know logically that there aren't any answers. But the teenager in me still feels deficient somehow. That it was me she didn't want. And I don't know how to get past that.

Are you still in contact with the others? Could you ask them now and see if they have an answer?

She's lost contact with everyone as far as I know. She's not on social media anymore apparently. I had heard that she lived abroad but I saw her today which has partly made all this worse

Not so much. I had an arranged marriage when I was 21 that I didn't want to have. I'm just getting myself out of that now. But no, not really. I have a couple of great friends but I basically feel worthless and I think that sort of cemented that opinion of myself.

I just want to know how I can get past it now. I don't want to feel like this forever

I'd say you get past it by recognising that it wasn't about you, it was about her. Something weird was going on in her life and in her head that made her behave in such a cruel manner.

When you can feel pity for her then you are over it. If you still feel like it was anything genuinely to do with you I think that's your low self esteem showing.

Maybe that's what's going on in your head, your budding self confidence is forcing you to go back and look at this as a confident adult: she was a disturbed teen who unfortunately took out her problems on you.

Having been in a very similar situation myself I can understand how it can play on your mind. Although I lost contact with a close friend more recently than you (about 7 years ago), I still find myself dwelling on it all these years later.
You mentioned you contacted her mum and it was her that 'spelt it out for you', does her mum still live in the same house? She might be able to either provide some answers or may pass your number/email address on to this person.

I think she has moved back in with her mum for a bit and they still live in the same house, Yeah.

I'm not sure how keen she would be on speaking to me though

If her mum had to threaten calling the police to stop you contacting her, please don't try to get in touch again 18 years later! I would be beyond freaked out.

It sounds like you have had a tough time with your marriage. I would focus on resolving that, and building your new life. Ruminating on your friend is not helpful for you.

No, I'm definitely not getting in touch again.

I wanted to thank everyone for their help. It's really helped to write this all down and see what other people think.

It's given me a new perspective on it and I'm going to try to just leave it alone and concentrate on stuff going on now.

Thanks again