Advice

[Melanietree]

I'm having trouble with my relationship and would like some advice. Most Saturdays he gets into an angry rage at me. He works long hours and is very tired. Over the last three weeks he has told me off for me wanting to go out, the next week he got angry with my son for getting injured and had to go to a and e. Today he got really angry with me because he couldn't find his clothes for him to go away on his sports trip. He also takes it out on my ds who has gone away with him . He also drives erratically and sulks when angry. I don't expect to hear from him this weekend as he is in a foul mood. I do know that they got to their destination as i texted my ds.If i don't have sex at least on Friday Saturday and Sunday he gets angry and says I've ruined his weekend, which is the theme of most of his weekends. I feel embarrassed and weak confessing these things as I'm not sure what to do about this. I now work full-time in the last week but still do all of the housework. My children are now at secondary school. I used to feel sorry for him because his mum died last year.

Well he sounds like a massive twat.

Are your children his? How long have you been together? Are you working and what's the housing situation?

Sounds like he's depressed. No excuse for his behaviour of demanding sex and being horrible to be around.
Are you able to sit down and have a heart to heart with each other or would he just blow up at you and get defensive and angry?
Could you write him a letter explaining how you feel (but without being too accusatory and negative as that could cause him to get mad too).
Is he very unhappy in his job which is causing him to feel so fed up? Do you and he ever get along really well anymore? Is there any option for you and he to be able to have some alone time together for a day or two where you can do something fun together and try and reconnect a bit? Xx

We've been together over 16 years they're our children

The reason I asked if he was their dad was because your OP talks about "my" children, not "our" children.

Do you feel like the default parent? Does he resent being asked to actually parent his own children?

He's massively unhappy in his job which is consuming long hours. Unfortunately it's affecting our children who are avoiding him My dd says she just puts headphones on. My partner is angry with them a lot too for not interacting with him. He seems aware how unhappy he is .

I must admit i feel like the default parent. I think it's sad because he's really missing out. His weekend is basically things that apply to him. Doing stuff with the kids or family are using up his weekend which is something i don't really understand.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

What would your advice be to a friend if she was writing this down?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

Call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you leave this individual who is abusing you on a weekly basis.

He does this because he can; this is precisely what emotionally abusive men do. He is not depressed; he is an abusive bully who sees you as the scapegoat for all his ills. You probably met him when you were at a low point in your life as well. You were targeted by this individual and deliberately so.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships; that yes this is how people really behave in these?. Just what are they learning here from the two of you?. They are learning a shedload of damaging lessons on relationships. Do not leave them such a damaging legacy; make plans for a new life for yourselves without this man in it.

Many people work long hours and do not act as your H does as a result.
He can conduct himself at work properly and likely appears quite plausible in the main to those in the outside world. Two other red flags are his driving behaviours and his sulking; sulking is never about silence. Its another way of garnering power and control and this man wants absolute.

Take a look at his parents as well OP; what are they like?. This likely came from one of them and its learnt behaviour.

He feels entitled to act like the Big Man at home and has you all fearful. Small wonder therefore your DD puts her headphones on; its a way of blocking out what is happening in front of her at home. This is no way for you or your children to live.

I suppose what i get is stability of a house and financial stabilty.I wouldn't like my children to end up in a relationship like mine. This morning eventhough I'd arranged accommodation for this trip, bought food for them in my lunchtime done all their washing and organised my Ds, my dp couldn't find his clothes or organise himself and he perceived that as my fault and why he was angry. I'd even made him breakfast! He accuses me of being controlling. I can't seem to do anything right at the moment.

You say his mum died last year, we're only 3 months into this year so how long is it?

He is stressed doing a job he dislikes and may be coping badly with grief, the way he is behaving isn't acceptable but the reasons behind it may be identifiable and could be tackled, if he's willing to listen.

Could you cope with him doing a less demanding job which paid less or does he have to be doing this job which is causing him such unhappiness?

Would he talk to someone to help him with the anger or assess whether he's depresses?

She died in April last year. Most of the other behaviours were already there, but have escalated in intensity over the last year. He has said he will stop this contract, it is difficult for him to stop on an almost emotional level.

I can't handle the sulking mostly. Does anyone have any tips for that? For me it's like slow torture.

Nothing says 'depressed' to me. He sounds abusive and nasty, OP, sorry.
No excuse for getting angry all the time and demanding sex every night at the weekend makes me concerned that you aren't fully consenting. This is drifting into rape, can you not see that?
So sorry - I think you need to look at escaping. I think your DCs would be happier if you did.

The longer you accept this behaviour the more you tell your DC that this is how they treat/should be treated by others. If that's what you want for them, then that's sad but hey ho. Otherwise, think of what you would want their relationships to be like, then work backwards from that and see what needs figuring out in your case. If they were being treated as you are, what would you advise them to do? Use that to get you pointed in the right direction, and then start taking those steps towards what you would want for them too.

What can't you handle about the sulking?

In my world there is only one response to sulking and tantrums. What ever triggered it, you do it more. What ever they want to get out of it, you do not give. Same as toddlers demanding sweets.

Let the fucker sulk. Get on with your life. Stop being his slave. Apparently you are shit at that job so resign from it. Leave him to it. Let him sulk. Why not?

Melanietree,

re your comment:-
"I suppose what i get is stability of a house and financial stabilty.I wouldn't like my children to end up in a relationship like mine".

Neither are good reasons to stay Melanietree; they really are not. Your house is akin to a warzone with a tyrant of a man in sole charge. You are his house elf and he sees you as someone to boss about.

If you were to tell your children that you stayed for the above reasons they will call you daft and even worse could possibly accuse you of putting him before them. You are doing your bit here to show your children that yes, this is acceptable to you on some level and doing that could well damage your own relationship with your children going forward. You are also teaching them such lessons on relationships. One day it will be just you and he, what then for you?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up; consider that carefully.

Sulking and other silent treatment are used also as control mechanisms; he does this because he can and it works for him. Its his desire to destroy any contentment you yourself have.

The object of the sulk is to force the other person to make the first attempt at patching things up so that the sulker can then reject them, thus extracting revenge. After what is considered an acceptable period of time, depending upon the gravity of the perceived misdemeanour, the sulker accepts reparation.

Honestly do not keep on continuing to do your bit here to teach your children such damaging lessons.

Do the Freedom Programme . I've linked you to the 'find a course' page. Do email your local facilitator and get along to the group. It's a wonderful course - I wish everyone would do it.

Attila is right, you are teaching your kids some very damaging lessons here, which they could play out for the rest of their lives in their adult relationships, either has the perpetrator or the victim. If you can't do it for you then do it for them.

By 'do it' I mean leave your marriage. Your husband is a controlling abuser - they very rarely change, usually get worse. This may be hard to hear but it's much harder living it than hearing it. The kids have no choice

Jesus Christ I cannot believe that there are posters on here saying he's depressed and can you have a heart to heart and 'reconnect'?

Fucking hell. That's going to stop the coercive sex which may actually be rape then, is it?

You poor woman please please speak to Women's Aid. As you say, his behaviour pre-exists his mother's death and this contract.

Depressed? No - abusive arsehole