Thoughts on child maintenance and changes

[Elanastar]

NC for this.

I don’t really know why I am posting this but it’s been playing on my mind a little. Don’t worry I’m prepared to be told that it is none of my business! I would just like to see if this would be considered fair and also to try and put my thoughts in order!

My DH has 3 children (we have none together and mine are grown and independent). Two begin university this year (one has been working FT since she left college in 2015) the youngest is still in infant school.

He has been paying maintenance for the DC (Dear childrens) since the divorce (it is a family arrangement through solicitors but not court ordered). In light of the older DC going to uni he wants to contribute to them directly. He mentioned this to his EXW at Christmastime and was told that the money wasn’t just for the kids but to run the house too, which of course is true (as we also have to maintain a house too for shared care).

As the changes will take place this year I suggested he let her know the revised payments sooner than later in order for her to plan her own budget accordingly. This is staggered as he wants to stop paying for the 20 year old (putting the money directly into a bank account to pay towards accommodation costs with a monthly amount i). He will continue to pay maintenance for the other two until September and then pay the middle one directly too. For the youngest he will continue to pay above the recommended amount as well as paying for uniform, clothes, trips, party gifts, extra curricular stuff etc. as always.

Once the email was sent last night it has opened a torrent of abuse (some of it aimed directly at me which surprised me and has left me feeling rather uncomfortable) Previously we have always had a distant but civil relationship. I get on really well with the DC but as a mother (and in my past a single mother whose children had a step parent) I am constantly aware of their mother’s feelings so while I adore and support them on day to day contact ( we have little one for tea everyday with at least two overnights a week, middle one stays over at weekends and oldest drops in as and when it suits); I don’t overstep the mark by trying to interfere in their parenting.
I wasn’t the OW by the way.

She is now seeking legal advice which of course is her right. She also replied with a barrage of random insults including how they never have chance to discuss their children. (They email, text, and have face to face contact for handovers on an almost daily basis) and that she will tell his boss he is using his work email for communication ( his only email address which they have been using for the past five years.

DH has always tried his best for the DC. He is a very involved parent and the DC are an absolute credit to both parents and to successful co-parenting for the past five years ( since they split ) and of course during their marriage.

Apologies for the length!

As the mother of two dcs and resident parent I think your proposals sound completely reasonable. I will not be expecting exh to be contributing once dcs are at university to me anyway. I would hope he will do what your do intends to do and give money to dcs to pay for living etc. I do hope he will help towards tat but my understanding is once they are 18 he doesn't have to anyway?

It is a hard one . i currently have the issue . STBXH doesnt pay for eldest but does for youngest . This money allows us to live in our current home . Have explained options to boys each pay 200 rent or share room 100 each and i rent out one room hasnt gone down well but it is what it is .No homing was discussed post 18 ..
no parent has to look after them then ..

All credit to your DH for continuing to support his dc at uni, I know a lot of nr fathers don't do so. I think his ex-wife is being completely unreasonable, of course the money should be paid directly to dc once they are 18+.

This is a day she should have been prepared for. She knew the children would grow up and the money would stop. My children are 6 and 8 and I'm preparing already for the drop of income from maintenance, tax credits and child benefit when they are grown up.

My maintenance payments will stop when DD's start uni. I was advised that most payments end at the same time child benefit ends due to the fact that they will be eligible for student loans. Eldest is due to start in September and I'm hoping my ex will give some money directly to her. I don't think your DH is being unreasonable at all.

I will strongly advise my ex to continue to give DC money directly if they at uni and would be pretty disgusted with him if he didn't
But I certainly don't think I should get it when they are adults

I will strongly advise my ex to continue to give DC money directly if they at uni and would be pretty disgusted with him if he didn't angry

Out of interest, will you match his contributions?

I got nothing once at uni, i was expected to finance myself, as an adult. Of course i was welcome at home in the holidays, but i got no financial contribution from my parents at all. I got a job which paid my rent and basic living costs.

I remember my housemate getting money off her dad in lieu of maintenance, but nothing off her mum. The money off her dad meant she didn't need a job and managed very well.

you sound lovley op and she sounds like a money dependent grabbing ex

ignore,ignore,these women give so many a bad rap

Thank you for all your replies. It is always interesting to read others thoughts and opinions and to see what people consider fair. There is always a difference between what is legally right and what is morally right.

Bonjourno I think you are quite tolerant. I suspect I would be quite cross if I was left feeling like a lemon. When I met DH I liked the fact there was good communication I suppose I didn't realise how much there would be. There is a bit of a pattern too. We rarely can have nights away because of having Dc3 everyday but have managed a Friday night away on a couple of occasions ( so we are back for 1pm pick up) and both times have received numerous text messages or calls asking for us to collect early or for DH to come and do something.

I do understand the situation as I have been here myself as an exw and parent (although I didn't do stuff lime that) Hopefully it will blow over.

My only concern is how the Dc are affected.

As for uni I am sure mum will contribute something despite a message yesterday saying the DC will not be entitled.to as much because mum earns too much.

I had support through uni from parents ( but the olden days of grants and low fees) and supported my.own DC ( exh contribution) to the amount I could afford
We can only do what we can do for our children.

Thanks again for comments. It has helped to read others in similar situations

That should have read no exh contribution above

Are the DC away at university or living at home whilst studying?

I agree if still living at home weekly then the mum may need support. However she sounds pretty vile and entitled tbh.

I have 2 children with my ex and he has always contributed fairly. My eldest is at uni and youngest just leaving 6th form to do a foundation degree.

Our arrangement has always been between us and we agreed maintenance would be paid to the August after their 18th birthdays (so halved when eldest was 18)

However when she went to uni we agreed to pay for her accommodation costs 50/50 so he paid me his half along with my sons maintenance and I sorted out her accommodation. She is well aware of this arrangement so knows we are both helping her.

I think I may have felt a bit put out if he had said he would pay her separately as for all these years we had trusted each other to do the right thing. I also would have worried that what was paid directly to her may not have ended up being used as it should!

I can understand both sides here although the rudeness is obviously out of order and a reasoned discussion far more appropriate.

Good grief she sounds like a cow. I never got a penny from my ex husband, I had to go out and work full time throughout my childs childhood. Some people are so precious.

Living away. We have already agreed to do half accommodation costs. Not that I mind but without my support. DH would really struggle to find it.

I don't think she is a cow just a little bitter that DH has moved on ( not because she still wanted to be with him)

Yeah she is a jealous cow, bitter or otherwise. The ringing and texting when you went away overnight was purely to try and ruin your plans. Would it really impact on the child not to see their father for just one day?

Thanks all. This is really interesting to read.

It wouldn't impact really but we had arranged it so that changes did the need to ñe made.

I could go on and after a bottle.of prosecco with best mate possible could but I won't haha 😂😂

Aghhhhh. Did not need to be made !!

Thank you all again for all comments xxx

If she earns too much for them to get any assistance then she must be on a good wage. But they will be entitled to loans.

The expectation is that parents support their children financially to make up any shortfall plus a lot of students work.

If they were still together this is what would happen.

She should be supporting the dc fairly together with their father based on what they can afford and it sounds to me like she should be able to afford it but might not want to.