Confused

[Fubsy]

Ive reached a point where Im seriously thinking of separating from DP.

Weve been together for over 20 years. Weve had a lot of ups and downs, but now Im just sick of history repeating itself. Weve had joint counselling years ago, and it did help a lot, but we seem to have come back to the way we were before that.

Unfortunately now DD is part of the equation. That makes it impossible to get to any counselling now, even if it would help. But its also part of the problem. DP seems to find it hard to deal with her nmow shes no longer a baby. TBH he found it difficult when she was a baby, but at least he could understand that she wasnt responsible for her actions at that age. But now he seems to see her as the enemy - he just doesnt understand why she doesnt respond instantly to his every command, or why she plays up to get attention. If I point it out to him, he gets nmad with me.

They are very similar in temperament, and wind each other up hugely. A lot of the things he gets annoyed about (Not taking notice when spoken to, talking over the top of peoples conversations) are things he does all the time. Sadly I also have a temper, and i will always stand up to him, and not back down in a row.

I just dont think its fair for a child to grow up thinking parents have to row all the time. Weve hit a stage where he thinks Im nagging him all the time - I am, but only because he just doesnt seem to get it a lot of the time!

Ive even wondered if hes undiagnosed ASD - the way he just doesnt pick up on other peoples moods, misses social cues etc, but how do you get a grown man to see a Dr about something like that?

I think he is depressed, I have discussed that and he denied it, but when he saw the Dr recently about something else, he came back and said the Dr said he probably was, but didnt want to medicate him. But didnt offer any alternative.

Now DP is very keen to move house (biggr one in same area). Im stalling as Im not sure i want to go on like this, but staying in our cramped clutter isne helping anything either. And I dont know how we would manage financially separately.

Sorry, a lot of blether, but ive not discussed it with anyone in RL - Im just too scared of what their reactuions would be.

Hummmmmm, ok so no - one is perfect, you have mentioned you both have faults as do we all.

Have you tried walking away from rows? Could you compromise? If you walk away from rows will he see a doctor? Have you asked him? talked to him? Why isn't counselling an option? How long ago was your last counselling?

I dont think it is healthy for your child to grow up in this environment you are right but as you pointed ut its not just him at fault so everytime you row you could say to yourself "you know what my dd doesnt deserve to see this so instead of carrying it on i am going to walk away, i'm going to take her to the shop or the park" tell him you are refusing to argue - he can't argue with himself. tell him you will talk to him calmly later when dd is in bed. Or tell him to write it al down and oyu will read it when you get back.

Do you love him? If there is no love at all then why waste another 20 years?

I didn't mean you had wasted 20 years that sounds bad, obviously you have had good times and grown and learnt in 20yrs.

Sorry i'm a digging a hole. I just believe life is too short to be unhappy.

Very perceptive - the last line is the one Im scared to confront myself with.

Couselling is out as Relate only come to a local surgery on monday afternoons (how useless is that for two people who work.) I had one to one counselling with the surgery's counsellor when I had PND, and I really didnt feel conmfortable with her at all.

Because weve done it before and this has all blown up again, Im not sure I want to go round in circles for the rest of my life.
Even at our best I think we're more like brother and sister than a couple. And siblings who annoy each other as well.

But we've tried so hard to make it work over the years - it seems a shame to let it all go.

Is there any option other than Relate? Is private counselling an option? Lots of private counsellors offer couples counselling, and may offer evening or weekend sessions?

Fact is, your relationship may not be something that you can (or want to!) save, but counselling might just give you a good breakup, if that's what it comes to.

It does sound like he could do with some counselling or treatment, to deal with his issues.

I don't think it's that bad for kids to see some rowing, as long as parents aren't being verbally abusive or throwing things at each other. But your DP's treatment of your DD would worry me. It doesn't seem fair to her.

I agree it would help, but private just wouldnt be feasible at the moment.

I know I sound as if Im putting my own obstacles up, but its not as if he doesnt know how to deal with his own "issues". I think he's changed a lot over the last few years, and not all for the better. (Obviously Im well aware of the changes Ive gone through - I dint feel at all like the person I was before having DD).

Work is a huge issue for him - he really hates where he works at the moment, and I know from other people that its a very stressful place. My manager is vey understanding, aand although my work can be stressful and neverending, that counts for a lot.

During one rowm DP said he wished we'd never moved here (we used to live in London, which I hated and was so relieved that we were able to move away). I would not go back, esp with DD, as where we are now is a much better place to bring up kids, and I thought we were pretty settled here.