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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've had enough of a family members behaviour, and she blames me for it!

14 replies

funkimummy · 06/03/2007 17:04

To cut a very long story short, I have a family member, who, over the years has been very emotionally demanding on me.

She is selfish, drinks too much, is hot-tempered and there is always a drama in her life. I've found her very emotionally draining over the years. Not least when I was suffering from PND and she was on my doorstep wailing every five minutes.

She basically drinks heavily most nights of the week, and then starts a row with her boyfriend of the moment and ends up smashing up his possessions and hers to. It almost always ends in physical violence too. She saw her Father do the same to her Mother, so I've always been incredibly lenient on her, but Friday, I just snapped.

We went out for a girls night. The first time I've been out for about 5 months. She had split up with her boyfriend the night before because they'd had a row and she'd attacked him and kicked one of his internal doors in. She also smashed a glass and smashed up her mobile phone.

The night we go out, she ends up turning on one of our oldest friends and screaming in her face, threatening her and ended up throwing her handbag at her.

When I told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, and that she can't go round doing that to people, she couldn't see what the problem was. I ended up telling her a few home truths and now she's turned it round on me by blocking me on MSN and not contacting me (even if I've contacted her.)

I've told her that I had to say these things for her own good, before it was too late as these aggressive outbursts are all too common. I also told her that I was only being honest because I love her.

I used to think she was like a Sister to me, but I've realised that I've been her Mother figure over the years. There is only 11 months age-gap between us.

I'm just so totally drained. I don't know where else to turn. If I cut contact with her, I effectively cut contact with all my other friends, as they'd be too scared to say anything to her.

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 06/03/2007 17:17

In my experience, people don't get involved in other people's rows so I don't see why you have to cut contact with your other friends. You and they will find a way to manage/work around the situation. I would leave her alone for a while to let her reflect on what you said. If she is that bad, it is better that someone tells her than just keep quiet, in my opinion...

funkimummy · 06/03/2007 17:20

Thanks Mumpbump. The sad thing is we've been here before. She won't get it because she feels she's never in the wrong. Her argument for everything is 'I don't need this right now.'

I felt ashamed and embarrassed on her behalf that I had to intervene to stop her attacking our friend. Friend is very shaken but ultimately will just let her get on with it, and accept that is just how she is.

I'm glad you're of the same opinion. I felt she needed to know that she just can't act that way. Sad thing is, she's most definitely an alcoholic. Something she swore she'd never be. She just can't see it.

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 06/03/2007 17:23

Well, I had a good friend who went from one drug addiction to another. He was lovely when he was straight/sobre, but a pain in the backside when he wasn't. And he never remembered what had happened. Letting that friendship go was one of the best things I did (sadly) because it was so draining. If you don't reconcile, I suspect you might feel the same way in time...

funkimummy · 06/03/2007 17:27

You're probably right. It's just that she's family. It does make things rather awkward.

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Mumpbump · 06/03/2007 17:31

Is she close family? I have cousins who I see about once a year, but I'm guessing that it's not going to be that easy to avoid her from your last post.

funkimummy · 06/03/2007 17:34

She's my cousin. As I said, it's not the first time it's happened. She's kicked me out of a car before when drunk because I wouldn't let her bully me.

Maybe I should just walk away

Trouble is 'our friends' used to be mainly 'her' friends, so they may side with her unintentionally anyway.

OP posts:
funkimummy · 06/03/2007 18:46

Bump....anyone other advice?

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 06/03/2007 18:50

I dumped a very long term friend of mine after 16 years for similar behaviour & I still on occasion feel guilty though I am much happier without the strain of our "friendship".

funkimummy · 06/03/2007 18:53

Aaaaah, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm bound to bump into her, she only lives round the corner from me, we have the same set of friends, she is family!!

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 06/03/2007 18:56

Perhaps it'll take your falling out for her to see her bad behaviour?

My friend tried to contact me after I cut ties but it was simply too late, she said some very hurtful things & I'd been a very good friend!

funkimummy · 09/03/2007 14:45

I'm bumping this because I have PMT and am brewing on this!

OP posts:
Tinkerbel5 · 09/03/2007 18:13

funkimummy you have had your say so it should all be over and done with, if your cousin is holding a grudge then thats down to her and she might just sit and think about it, I would have done what you did aswell as I can only take so much and dont like to see anyone being bullied. I doubt you will lose your friends and they are probably quite pleased that you managed to say something which they probably wanted to do but didnt have the bottle.

peggotty · 09/03/2007 18:20

If she's an alcoholic she won't be able to see that her behaviour is unnacceptable until she stops drinking. My sister was similar to this, and I made excuses for her behaviour for years (she doesn't drink now and has since apologised for behaviour), including our families extensive problems as being a 'reason' for her drinking, but in the end people have to try and take responsibility for their own behaviour.

funkimummy · 09/03/2007 19:38

Thanks peggotty, I know you're right. She's following the same route her father did. I just wish she could see. Still, I've said what I have to say. She can't see that her behaviour is hurting lots of people because she doesn't want to. I think I've just got to walk away now.

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