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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stop me sending a knee jerk text

22 replies

ByronBaby · 23/03/2017 08:23

So my H left 6 months ago. He said it was all my fault and was all about how I made him feel about himself. We were together 25 years, married for 15. At the time I asked him if he was having another relationship with a woman at his work, a kind of friend of mine. Or was a relationship with her on his radar for the future. He had a massive strop about this, deriding me for the mere suggestion when it was clearly about me and my behaviour. Now it appears that she is at his place a great deal. She has dinner with my children two or three times when they are staying with H. She goes round to watch to programmes with my children. She does my daughters nails. And not a word has been said to me. I have mentioned the situation to H, but he just looks smug and evasive. Either they are in a relationship or he wants me to believe they are.

I feel so confused about this. Surely I should know who is around my children and in what capacity? Was this going on all along and yet H has denied and denied, looking to make me completely doubt who I am rather than being truthful? And what of her who was supposed to be a friend? Please, some advice for a lonely and belittled woman ...

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 23/03/2017 08:59

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I've no idea if she was around all the time - if there was an affair I mean before he left- but it certainly looks like it was possible. His blaming you for his actions - couldn't admit that he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing so he blames you - also suggests there may have been something going on. There's usually someone else when som one walks out of a long term marriage.
If it was me I just could not give him the satisfaction of asking questions about her and I would not be texting him.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/03/2017 09:15

Am I right in thinking you are not actually divorced yet? Maybe he doesn't want to admit to anything in case it affects the divorce?

I think your takeaway from this is that he is a weak cowardly liar who is trying to blame you for the end of your marriage instead of being honest.

I would lawyer up, only be in touch with him about the children and vent on here.

Flowers this must be really hard. At least you have learnt you can't trust him or believe anything he says

hellsbellsmelons · 23/03/2017 09:24

I'm sure it was going on before you split.
His blaming you etc... is following the cheaters script!
No point texting.
You know now so you can get some closure at least.
I'm sorry you found out this way.
Cheating men are cowardly scumbags.
I realise it's only been 6 months but I hope you are managing to move on with your own life.

PaterPower · 23/03/2017 09:29

"Surely I should know who is around my children and in what capacity"

The problem here is that this is very much a two edged sword. If you "insist" on knowing now:

A) he can still tell you to bog off and there'll be little you can do. He'll just keep on enjoying the fact you're getting wound up.
B) you're giving him an opening to nose about in your life, once you move on and start dating again.

It's not great. I've been there (same position as you, although OM in my case) and it's pretty shit. But you have to let it go, unless you have evidence of harm to the dc.

And yeah, she's no friend is she (but then, he should be behaving better too).

FetchezLaVache · 23/03/2017 09:30

Your instincts were spot on, I'm afraid, OP. He's a very cruel man - trying to blame it all on you as per the script, and now being smug and evasive when you ask about it. He is taking pleasure in your hurt.

Don't ask him about it again - don't give the nasty twat the satisfaction - instead, take back control and lawyer up, as Rainbow said.

TheNaze73 · 23/03/2017 10:11

Don't send anything knee jerk. He really doesn't care

HecateAntaia · 23/03/2017 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ByronBaby · 23/03/2017 10:27

Yeah, I know that ignoring the situation is the right thing to do. And I am lawyered up,

  • she has said there is great benefit to making him think I am stupid for a while. It's just that seeming stupid galls me and he must think that's what I am for not realising about his relationship. I hate hate hate the idea of another woman playing mummy with my children. I am sorely tempted to ask her about the nature of her relationship with my husband face to face. Not sure she has the front to lie to my face and English is not her first language, which means I could tie her in knots quite easily. This probably isn't a good idea, is it?
OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 23/03/2017 10:30

No it's not. Sorry.

Sorry for the whole shitty situation for you.
Can you find another outlet. You need to appear to him to be cool calm and collected. It actually seems to annoy them more than anything when they realise they have lost the ability to have an impact on your life.

Original poster
ByronBaby · 23/03/2017 10:30

I suppose in my mind, I might find out the truth definitively so that I know for sure what I am dealing with, rather than the smoke and mirrors I am currently experiencing. Ideally I would also like to deliver some sharp home truths to the sly deceptive twat too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByronBaby · 23/03/2017 10:33

I am smirking at the idea of dating. I suspect that women my age are pretty much alone for ever when this happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByronBaby · 23/03/2017 10:40

You know, I think I am just having an especially shit day. I am a teacher and am also on the board as staff rep. My h is chair of the board. Today we had a board meeting and when I arrived the only space left was next to him. We had a parent/ staff issue to discuss and he managed to completely undermine me by expressing disbelief about events and generally being an obstructive twat. I think he should resign and let me get on with my professional life, but if he isn't going to do that, perhaps I should resign from the board. A shame as I have been a board member for 13 years.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 23/03/2017 11:07

Use your emotional intelligence, not to let him get to you. And how old are you? You sound like you're writing yourself of

PaterPower · 23/03/2017 11:39

Don't write yourself off - unfortunately plenty of marriages break down these days so there are plenty of people around, of all ages, looking for relationships.

You are best letting all this go (not that it's easy) and keeping the moral high ground. Don't confront either of them - it won't get you any further forward, nor make you feel any better. You're much more likely to "wound" him by staying aloof and not giving a shit what he does. That's far more likely to dent his ego.

Ditto on the school board stuff. You'd be surprised how quickly other people see through an act like his, and there's usually a limit on how long he can stay on the board so he won't be a problem in the longer term.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/03/2017 11:52

Don't resign.
Let him undermine you.
Smile and wave boys, smile and wave.
Or an 'of course dear' PA head-tilt works wonders too!

Original poster
ByronBaby · 23/03/2017 18:36

Let him professionally undermine me? Really? So he gets to undermine every part of my life then?

OP posts:
Offred · 23/03/2017 19:09

It probably was going on before he left yes.

It is sooo hard but the best thing for you is to try and let go of the self hate and the anger and try and get to a place where you feel like it is nothing to do with you who he sees and that you are glad whoever he is seeing is nice to your kids...

Not for his benefit but for yours (and the kids).

He's proving why he didn't deserve you and why it is an opportunity for you to be happier because you've got rid of a crappy relationship.

Currently trying to reframe everything that seems like a negative in my life re crap ex too so know it isn't easy!

PaterPower · 24/03/2017 08:38

He can only undermine you in your personal life if you allow his behaviour to irritate you and change what you would otherwise do. Confronting OW or insisting you know the status of their relationship doesn't get you anything other than prove to him that you still give a shit what he does. He wins.

With regards to the Board, what would you do if a.n.other was shooting you down? Treat it like any other professional situation.

If you're the staff rep, presumably the head is also at the meetings? They, surely, are not going to allow a member of their staff to be belittled. Can you speak to them about it and look for their support, perhaps explaining why he's being a dick. If it's obvious that your ex is being unreasonable then I would expect them to step in during the meeting.

Original poster
ByronBaby · 24/03/2017 11:42

Pater, the principal just does nothing, keeps quiet, allows me to be belittled. Other Board members have approached me after the meeting to say that i am being treated unfairly, but no one wants to rock the boat. I have resigned today. It is a great weight off my mind that I no longer have to be in the same room as that dickhead for lengthy meetings. I didn't realise how much I dreaded every meeting. The OW was supposed to be my friend and here she is playing Mummy with my children every weekend. I would love to sharpen my tongue on her, but I know, it's a bad idea. Sigh.

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 24/03/2017 13:14

Something I often post on these threads but true - my late father had a legendary (and respectful) love life in his eighties. Don't write yourself off due to age.

Sending hugs x

Original poster
ByronBaby · 24/03/2017 13:57

Yeah Lisa, but it is always stories of men finding love at any stage in life - women, not so much. I am not optimistic.

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 24/03/2017 22:59

ByronBaby he was utterly devoted to a couple of ladies over his sixties and seventies, but they dumped him.

I wish I had good advice. Hugs and good luck!

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