my husband expects me to be perfect

[ksmum]

I am getting a bit sick of my husband's expectations of me as a mother. I do most of the childcare (have just gone back to work 3 days but I still do most of it on those days and he is often working at weekends/away in the week so may not see her for a few days, or for 1/2 an hour or so. In fact I often feel like I am a single Mum. DD idolises him because he is so scarce and he is brilliant with her when she is around (although he only does fun things but she doesn't mind that). She's 2 and although she is pretty good most of the time she can also be a real pain, like most 2 year olds i.e. I want that one, then you give her it, not that one, throw it on the floor. Anwyay, last night I was putting on her PJ's and she started flailing her legs about and trying to kick me. Just because she was tired and in a bad mood or just because she felt like it. Anyway, I shouted at her 'stop it, just stop it, I've had enough', as she's been doing it for the past few nights (when he has not been there). And he appears with a disapproving look on his face. I'm not a saint I'm human but he seems to think a shout is a heinous crime. By the way, it is about the 3rd time I have shouted at her. I am usually good at doing calm discipline. And the other day he said isn't she lovely and I said yes she is but the next minute she's terrible and he said 'you two are really winding each other up' i.e. it's my fault.

I also must add that he does practically nothing in the house and then had the cheek to compare it to his brother's house, which is much tidier apparently even though they have 4 kids. And both work 3 days, and his brother does housework cooking and childcare.

Now I've written down my rant and it makes it sound like my daughter is awful, which she sin't she's lovely and in fact people comment on how good she is. he doesn't believe me when I say she is naughtier with me than anyone else because I am around all the time. he thinks he has some special touch I think. And it also makes him sound awful, and he's not but he is just getting very lazy and tkaing me for granted. How can I stop him without being a nag (whcih I am).

I do most of childcare, too and DD is naughty for me but hardly ever for her mum.

The next time he gives a disapproving look, remind him that he hasn't seen all her previous little bouts of naughtiness / over exuberance so should wind his neck in.

Don't know how to stop him being like this, but can definitely empathise on the dd behaving better for everyone else bit. My dd is a joy .... most of the time. But if she pushes any boundaries it is always with me. I take the view that it is because I am (almost) always around and so she knows that bad behaviour will not push me away and there's less to lose if she tests me than anyone else.

Book yourself a weekend away when you know he is at home and leave them together. (and don't forget to forget your mobile!)

A few hours at a time is always ok but once he's spent a good chunk of time he'll realise how hard it is.

Some men like to kid themselves that their wives have some "special touch" because they think it excuses them from doing things with the children. It's easier to leave it to the person with the "special touch" than it is to do it themselves so they feel justified in leaving everything to their wives.

You can only be treated like a doormat if you lie down and allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. Talk to him about how hard you're finding it, and how you need him to pull his weight. Tell him that you need him to be involved, and tell him what you need him to do. Give him specific things that, when he's there, are his jobs - bathtime/bedtime/whichever routine chore he's around to do.

Or leave him to it for a couple of hours. Book yourself a massage or just sit in a coffee shop for a couple of hours at the weekend and let him start to learn how to handle his child.

i think it's a good idea to leave him take care of her alone one day- my DP was never unreasonable with his expectations, but after DP was left alone with DS for a day, i think he really appreciated what i do. Now if i say 'i'm sorry i haven't emptied the dishwasher / hoovered / done anything today', he always says 'it's ok, i know what it's like'.

Definitely with the "let him see how he manages" answers. Some men are great at telling you how easy childcare is and how X manages it wonderfully and they've all got little Stepford children.....then collapse when they have to do it for a stretch themselves

Your dh's relationship with your lo sounds more like a grandparent/grandchild relationship tbh. I'm just thinking of my parents - they see dd a couple of times a week for short periods and in their eyes she can do no wrong, and she always behaves beautifully for them.

Agree that he needs to be in sole charge more often - it sounds like he's not doing his fair share anyway - and it's not fair that you always have to be the disciplinarian.

When he comes back from being away next time, go and do something for yourself and leave him to look after dd for the day.

Oh - and if there are any other comparisons with your BIL, ask him if he would like to cut his working hours drastically and pitch in round the house, just like his brother. Or ask him if he would like to go and live there instead.

i think he's definitely a candidate for spending a serious block of time with her.

can you engineer a weekend away? say you really need a break, and go and visit a friend or family.

Sigh...

I had a spell last year when I was more than a bit p-d off with dh. I'm a sahm. The youngest was going through the terrible 2's with a vengeance, plus I have 3 older ones. Ds3 (the little one) wasn't sleeping well etc., seemed to catch every bug going etc etc. I was run ragged basically. I felt that while I understood that dh 's working hours were/are long and not therefore to expect him to help much if at all with childcare or the house, HE didn't understand that on his arrival home in the evenings (yes sometimes late..) the VERY LAST thing I wanted to hear would be "Can't we (ie bloody muggins) tidy this corner?" or "What's that pile of stuff doing on the table?" etc etc. I felt unable to rebuff all this jocularly, lest it lead to a row. I'd be on my feet all day, dealing with tantrums, preparing meals etc., and then these little asides would get to me. But I wanted a peaceful evening so kept quiet.

The final straw was one Sunday evening after 48hrs wall to wall kids, with ds3 on a deadly 4.30-5.30 am wake ip schedule - I'd cooked roast beef and the first thing dh said was, "Hmmm it's a bit young isn't it. Not as much flavour as XXX from YYYY butcher. What do you think ?" I went ballistic, which as anyone in my RL knows, is so not me. I should have spoken up sooner and so should you. Dh really didn't realise how annoying he'd been...

Normally he's great but that wasn't acceptable. Luckily now I've done these things:

1. Got him to put ds3 to bed more often. (He'd play up badly for me; bedtime was taking ridiculously long). Either of us can now get him to sleep in 10 minutes flat.
2. When we have to go to mil's (groan) I make him take ds3 and 1 other child. I follow an hour later with other 2 children. Gives me a break, and mil can fuss over ds3 without me there, which she enjys.

Do whatever it takes to get regular breaks, even if short; it will change the whole dynamic.

Just to reassure you, ksmum, that my DS also plays me up more than anyone else, because I'm nearly always here. Not to say he isn't a darling, jsut that 2-year-olds (especially) all have their moments of being stubborn, stroppy and unreasonable and we all yell at them sometimes.
Oh, and agree with what everyone else has said. Go out, leaving DH with DD for at least half a day.

ksmum - I reckon this is a fairly common problem, especially with dads/parents who spend less time at home with the kids. My DP witnessed me having a bit of a go at my older son some time ago (can't be bothered to go into the details - suffice to say he desrved it!) and he immediately picked up our son and said to me 'we need to talk about this'. When I said 'we need to talk about WHAT EXACTLY?!' he continued (with irritating calm): 'not now, in front of the kids. I'll talk to you later.'. Felt about three years old, but burst out: 'OK, we'll talk about it later. And when we do, I want you to have thought about exactly how feckin perfect you think your behaviour would be if you were at home with these two all day every day.' Funnily enough, he never brought it up again...