Its offically over and wobbly agian

[1DAD2KIDS]

So to keep the background short and simplified nearly two years ago my ex had an affair and left me and my kids (boy 6 months old and girl 4 years old at the time) and moved 100 miles away to be back where she comes from with this other man (her far older step cousin). I loved her so much and would have forgiven her anything but for her she did not want that life with me and the kids. A lot has happened since then. I have had to re-evaluate life and my perception on the world and relationships have changed massively. I also maybe understand my ex better than ever now. It has been a horrible ride but an enlightening one too. Turns out she has played a lot of emotional mind games over the years and the way in which she did things hurt me a lot. I have forgiven her and we are friends now. I think we are doing the best by the kids considering the situation.

For her things have turned out poorly (maybe Karma). The other man was a horrible waste of space and just totally used her and took advantage of her. She is now alone and has little. Like I said we are now friends and we chatted when she was down for my sons 2nd birthday the other day. Later she text me and apologised for everything she's done. Not once has she ever apologised for all she has put me and the kids though before. To be honest that meant a lot to me for her to actually admit what she has done. She then hinted that she thinks her actions were down to depression/possible Postnatal depression. She then went on further to say she still had feelings for me but she understands if its too late for me.

Today I got a letter though to say the Decree Absolute is complete. I have done so well but to be honest this coming though mixed with what she said to me last has hit me. I am having a bit of an emotional wobble right now its fair to say.

The decree triggered leftover emotions associated with your marriage and her leaving you.

It is kind of like the left over anxiety one may feel on seeing a police car a couple of weeks after being stopped for speeding or expired inspection.
Or it can be seen as sort of like sweeping the corners and under furniture for the hidden stuff...there may always be a little bit that hasn't been processed yet. And that is not to say that every little morsel has to be processed.
You know her. If she was capable if doing it once, she can/will do it again.

Keep your boundaries up. I agree that it is a mistake to let her sleep over as well as going on days out together as "family". You can be civil and friendly/cordial without crossing the line into an expectation of togetherness.

Stay strong, koko.

Its totally understandable to be seduced by the idea. She is your children's Mum and sounds like the ideal for you is for your kids to have a nice family life and this is the part that you probably find the hardest. Despite her past behaviour she is probably being nicer than she has ever been and its easy to be sucked in by this. I've done it myself in the past. I nearly split with my current partner and he begged me and promised to change and, at first, thing were great. Didn't take long before he slipped back into his old ways.
You sound like an amazing Dad and she is a complete idiot to have thrown that away.

SandyY2K your right we cant change others. I never wanted to change her and I guess I only had my self to blame because I knew she was different and not quite normal when I married her. But I loved her and never thought she would turn her back on me. So more fool me. Having said that we did have some good times and two great kids, so swings and roundabouts I guess. I don't regret that. Now I am just trying to carve the best outcome for my self and the kids. Just to clarify about 70% of the time when she has the kids she has them at her mum's house up where she lives. So not at her place (its not a suitable environment) but at her parents house. The other 30% of the time she stay at our house due to reducing her travel costs (200+ mile round trip) or because she is down for a special occasion, e.g. a birthday. She has them every couple of weekends and some of school holidays.

Atenco I don't know about life-long relationships and especially marriage (mainly due to the legal implications). On one hand maybe my heart is softening and open to the idea but then I think have you learned nothing? Am I falling into the same trap again? In many ways I am also a pragmatic person so a blended family doesn't appeal to me. Mainly because my kids are number one and it doesn't feel fair on them to share any of my love, time, energy, resources and wealth on someone else's kids (In my family we share and there is no question that I would treat the other kids exactly the same as my own). Also I have found my ideal home and where I want live forever. It is a spacious 3 bed just perfect for us. I would not want to move or cram/extend for more people. Plus all the other complications with a family cut and shut job.

AndTheBandPlayedOn I think the way we are doing things with the kids is working for us. When my ex stays she sleeps in the guest/play room. There is no pretence that that mummy is anything more than a guest staying over for a night or two like when any other relative comes to stay. The kids know that our house is not mummy's home. We can have fun with the kids and do stuff with them and share special times with them personally I think its great. A good indication for me that boundaries work was our holiday in Blackpool last year. The guy at the b&b knew we had booked two rooms. Obviously there was no sign of romance between us but he could tell we knew each other well. So his assumption was that my ex must be my sister who come along for the holiday. He was a bit (but pleasantly) surprised when he found out she was my ex wife. Of course some of her resent testing the waters have concerned me. But I have instantly shot them and she has not pushed the point. So I think she now knows those things are a non starter.

Hutch2017 Your right she is nicer to me in a way than when we where together. We never argue anymore and she always sides with my decisions. And to her credit she has been totally fair about the divorce and not caused any problems with it. But I do realise a threat of getting sucked in so I am vigilant on that. Hence why I am quick and clear to lay down the law regarding any talk of getting back. When you think about it she is far more agreeable now than ever since we split it would favour me not to get back with her anyway. But much appreciate the advise and warnings from you all.

I think its great you can still spend time as a family and, although its unusual, its not a bad thing. I know a few people who actually still go on holiday with their ex (and new partner!!!!) with the children because they all get on so well. As long as she doesn't keep trying to test the water with you. I also hope that by allowing her to stay over and go on family trips and holidays is not giving her false hope..... When I finally separate from my dp (coming soon) I definitely would not be able to do this.

you sound a very well balanced person and I think that will stand you in good stead

1DAD its very understandable that this has brought up everything for you again. Some good advice already given.

It is 8 years since I split from my unfaithful ex.

Yes I do mourn what we have lost -that together family life.

But acceptance is very important to give yourself peace.

I hear your difficulty re a new partner. I would also say never say never. You never know what life will bring you. And as you yourself are showing by your relationship with your ex - unconventional relationships can work if 2 individuals want to commit to them.

I would also say that there can be positives of being a single parent and not having that intimate relationship focussed on one person. I have grown closer to many friends and many relatives because they have pulled together with me and supported me. And you find out who your real friends are. And I have met wonderful people I would never have met if I was not a single parent. And been able/wanted to put more into those relationships

Also allow that your relationship with your ex may change over the next few years. (but dont get back with her!) I used to do a lot with my ex and have him to stay to suit the kids. And went outings with him. But gradually I didnt want to any more. And gradually wanted to have less to do with him. I did not want to be friends with him as I would not have a friend who treated me as he did (and he has never apologised and puts blame onto me totally unjustly) So separation has gradually got to the point where I rarely see him any more. And that feels healthy to me. I think it did help the children initially in that the separation was gradual and not just sudden.

You are a wise together person so I would just advise to go by your instincts with regards to your ex and dealings with her. And if you feel you want to separate your life more do it. You are doing a great job! Wishing you all the best!

Thank everyone for you input. I have just come back of holiday for a week to the seaside with my kids and the ex. As to was it a good idea then I guess the proof is in the pudding. We had a good time. The kids loved having their mum there. We both enjoyed spending time with the kids. Plus it made the holiday go smother and enabled my eldest to do more things. Because of their ages to do lots of things well they each need one on one with and adult to get the best out of it.

Mumfun your right acceptance is the key. I don't regret the past. I am still proud of our wedding day, the many happy memories and the kids we produced. I don't hide them away an forget about them. But I know in my heart they are over. Plus now when I look at it I feel I deserve better. I still grieve but that of loss. Loss being the operative word, its over.

I am accepting of the fact that the situation with how we are with the kids may change over time. I have always assumed it would. Its logical when you think about it. As (hopefully) her level of indigence grows, the kids get older and easier to please alone, she gets into a relationship (god forbid I get into a relationship) etc. Many factors could change over time. The main thing for me is that it works for now and the kids seeing that their parents are putting them first.

Hutch2017 'As long as she doesn't keep trying to test the water with you' has made me concerned about the phonological burden this arrangement put on her. She had to leave on the last night after the kids went to bed because she couldn't face the goodbyes in the morning. She was very upset saying goodnight to dd and I could see the true pain in her eye, it broke my heart too. I do worry that now she understands the mistake she has made that the weight of how she has messed things up is hard to take. It did concern me that maybe having a glimpse of the family life we had that she lost and cant have anymore is too much of a psychological toll on her? Its hard on me too but for me the results outweighs hurt (maybe because I have accepted the situation).