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Relationships

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Original poster

Is no sex always a problem?

14 replies

arugula · 22/03/2017 04:35

I adore my dh, we've been together 11yrs, we have the same values, same tastes, same aesthetics, agree on mostly everything and I consider myself luckier than I had ever dared to hope. It's a real partnership.

Of course, we don't have sex, haven't for about 7yrs. He will not talk about it. There was an issue w an xp that made him feel insecure about it which is why I held off discussing it for so long.

Sex was never our strong suit really, even early on, and I've had some health problems that have brought my (previously considerable) interest down to nothing. I used to try to discuss it, if for no other reason than to get it out in the open and share our thoughts, but I don't anymore because I really don't want to do it so talking about it seems redundant.

I am unclear about how important this is. Everything else seems to be so great for us. Might there be some long-term corrosive effect? Should we see a therapist?

OP posts:

babyunicornvomit · 22/03/2017 05:27

If he's happy and you're happy not having sex then it shouldn't cause a problem - it's if the want is unbalanced when problems could arise in the future. Sounds like you're really happy and trusting of each other and have a strong relationship which is lovely. You say he won't talk about it... it sounds a lot like he has problems with confidence in that area. Sex therapy/couples therapy could be a good idea but it could also bring about ideas that there are other things wrong in the relationship, when there dont seem to be. Good luck whatever you decide to do x

highinthesky · 22/03/2017 05:51

Some of us can happily exist without it. That is a choice, but can you be sure that this is the case for DH?

Ask him directly if he sees this as something that he wants to change. Put the ball firmly in his court.

LevantineHummus · 22/03/2017 06:14

If you want it and he doesn't, that's a problem. And vice versa. Otherwise if you're happy not to have it, then that's what works for you and it's perfectly ok.

Gallavich · 22/03/2017 06:25

Neither of you want sex? That's fine then. It's a problem if one wants sex and the other doesn't.

Honeyandfizz · 22/03/2017 06:32

I agree with the others, you don't want it, he does'nt either = no problems. If you push discussing it with him when he does not want to will it damage your relationship? How old are you both? Therapy may be good to at least get it into the open. I think I would feel that I was not attractive to him, is he affectionate?

Fwiw my marriage ended last year and I really did not like having sex, it felt like a chore and would happily live without for the rest of my life and I am 39.

category12 · 22/03/2017 06:36

As per pp, it depends if you're both happy with that.

The only concern I would have is the communication here, which possibly if it is the only issue you're unable to discuss is OK, but I would worry if it's other things too or grows.

TheNaze73 · 22/03/2017 07:26

It's all about the balance, if you both are happy with that, then I don't see a problem

SandyY2K · 22/03/2017 13:05

It's horses for courses. If you're both happy with the situation, then carry on.

Original poster

arugula · 22/03/2017 18:47

babyunicornvomit yes, he had an xp who was mean about it, told him he was bad in bed or something. So when I learned that I was reluctant to bring it up. Interesting that you say counselling could bring up other issues. I guess I'd rather know now than not know - ?

OP posts:

Original poster

arugula · 22/03/2017 19:09

highinthesky years ago after raising the subject several times (along the lines of 'Shouldn't we talk about why we're not having sex?') I bought some books on the subject (Mating in Captivity, The 52 Seductions), thinking if we both read them we could discuss in a way that was a bit removed from our own relationship and maybe that would facilitate communication. He balked, then said it was 'embarrassing' to talk about, then kept the books at his bedside for a while but I don't know if they were ever read, we tidied them away again when we briefly had a cleaner. :-) But I considered the ball to be in his court every time.
I have suggested counselling and he initially refused, then said he was willing to go, but by then I didn't miss it anymore and/or was no longer worried about it and have been sort of dragging my heels bringing it up. But my relationship w him is the most important thing to me, I'd hate for something to happen and find out he has been thinking terrible things about the no sex issue and has not clued me in.

Honeyandfizz I'm 49 now and he's 48, together 11yrs, married 7. We are affectionate, we say I love you a lot, he's always smelling my hair when it's dirty and saying how nice it smells, I feel confident we are each the person the other would prefer most to spend time w. He has said he is still attracted to me. We have both gained weight (he more than me, but quitting smoking was worth it) but still, I don't feel like that's it, I suspect confidence more than anything.
Sorry to hear about your marriage but yes, this is similar to how I feel. Don't miss it, don't want it w someone else. I'd hate it if he was doing it w someone else, but I would not prefer to be doing it if that makes sense. I don't want to lose our trust and intimacy but the fact of sex just feels like someone else's life tbh.

Thank you all for your considered and kind comments. I was a little worried about glib/mean comments but so glad I posted.

The worst part of this is feeling isolated w it. I daren't tell anyone else, esp my friends who know him. I don't want to violate his trust but honestly, I feel like it's a burden if I can't discuss w anyone. Goodness knows I read about sexless marriage all the time, there must be millions of us.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 22/03/2017 20:26

Don't miss it, don't want it w someone else. I'd hate it if he was doing it w someone else, but I would not prefer to be doing it if that makes sense.

Which is the worse scenario for you? Him having discreet sex with a third party, or him "expecting" sex with you?

Original poster

arugula · 22/03/2017 22:18

I don't accept these as the only two choices :-) but I don't want him spending secret private time w someone else, he already works long hours. And however discreet it is it can threaten an existing relationship if feelings develop.
We are married because we want an exclusive intimate relationship w each other, which I assumed would involve sex but has turned out not to.
If lack of sex was important enough to him to find another person I'd expect him to have spoken up at any stage since I started agitating about communicating on this matter. There is no reason why he can't talk to me about this, I have invited it on various occasions. Then when I realised I cared less and less about it I stopped trying to bring it up.

OP posts:

TFPsa · 22/03/2017 22:52

Sounds totally fine if neither of you's bothered and you're getting on well in other ways. Pushing fifty would be far from a disgracefully young age to hang up your proverbial boots, though of course plenty of people go on for much longer.

Graceflorrick · 22/03/2017 22:57

It's unusual though, isn't it. I'd be wanting a more open and honest discussion about what's happening if I were you OP.

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