Due to celebrate 25th wedding anniversary next month .... or rather was!!
Holiday to Thailand booked....but leaving this letter for OH tomorrow.
OH,
I was looking at the email you sent to Jim last night as you asked me too. For a long time I've not checked your browser history but I did.
I see that you are again watching porn, the search was naked MILF in sauna. I cannot control you, you can access via the internet anything you want.
But I do have the choice of wanting to stay in a relationship that makes me feel inferior or to preserve my self respect and dignity and leave. I cannot and will not ever be able to match those women that excite you so much that you lie to me.
I try so very hard to please you, often at the risk of my own mental health well being. You know all to well my history, the abuse I've suffered at the hands at others and of course the abuse that I've received from you. Abuse that you've sworn has ended, including you NEVER indulge in porn again, that you have promised time after time and that it was worth in it for me. That your inability to maintain a sexual relationship with me, was my fault. You lie so much, it's shameful.
You can't maintain an erection with me, not because I'm over anxious (which given how you've been with me, I obviously am) but because I'm not slim, attractive or a “MILF”. As I've said I'll never ever be what you want me to be, I just can't. What you're watching is not real life, it really isn't. You need to address this because you'll continue to have failed relationships with such high expectations.
I feel a total sense of relief… I've known for years things “weren't right” I've voiced it, told you my fears. You've always dismissed me…but ultimately I was 100% right. I'm not what you want, you “service” me very quickly now and then to keep me quiet. It again explains my feeling of not being good enough, because it's what's happening.
I've accepted and "forgotten" so much of your nasty sexual behaviour to me. Recently you've been angry that I'm not able to move on....because you'd never do anything like that to me again. Be it nastily reject me, watch porn above our relationship because you've learnt your lesson.
On a practical note, I've booked myself into a hotel.
I'm asking you to have respect and not contact me. I need to be on my own and deal with this.
All my fears have come true.
On a positive note, my worst fears have again been founded. Already I'm facing it and will in a long time be able to deal with this.
I'm sad that the pull of the “internet” was more important to you than our relationship. Our relationship cannot continue and I now need to draw a line.
You've had countless warnings, which not even you can deny.
This has been a tough but unsurprising end to our marriage.
I'll contact you over the weekend to discuss our “next move”.
You're not the one living it.