Please explain sarcasm to me

[brightnearly]

Things have not been easy between DH and me forever for quite a while now.

I get frequently accused of being sarcastic, and I simply do not get it at all - I really don't quite understand the concept!

He tends to write the shortest text messages and emails to me; mostly things like 'Ok' or the bare essentials ('Leaving now'; 'My holidays are on these dates' etc).

I'm actually sad that I don't merit a friendlier conversation style, and have teased him before about it - saying for example that I appreciate his concise style, or something to that effect. Especially if I've written a detailed message, just to get 'OK' as a response.

He says he's too busy to write, but today he managed three whole sentences in an email - telling me off for 'shouting' at him in an email.
(I had said 'But the children are at school then!' - I wouldn't have thought this is shouting.)

I replied that I was amazed by his eloquence.
He said that was my 'typical' sarcasm.

I get that this is tongue-in-cheek - but I thought sarcasm was actually malicious?

Please let me know what you think - maybe my communication style is bad!

What's good in this relationship?

And the children are living with having their days out ruined and sulky daddy huffing off? Is this really the atmosphere you think is best for them?

It appears that you both hate each orher

Other

It sounds like you're not kind and nice to each other, with lots of digging at each other. It sounds like you both pick up on everything rather than just let things slide (does it really matter if water is used to clean a child's shoes so long as they are cleaned)?

You could try counselling and see if you can find it in you both to communicate well and be kind to each other. It's not on that your DP ruins days out for the DC

Living like this isn't good for you or your DC. You're modelling relationships to them - do you want them to repeat the pattern you're stuck in when they grow up?

To me it sounds like you can't win with how you communicate with him. It sounds like he can treat you how he likes (sulking) whereas if you get annoyed with his responses and end up saying something in a sarcastic way, he gets very upset by it but refuses to acknowledge why you might be upset by his responses.

Life's too short to live like this. Neither of you sound happy.

No, I don't.

My own mood is really affected by this relationship as well. Without goodwill it's very, very hard to co-exist.

I'm giving him a wide berth at the moment, firstly because he told me to "go away and leave [him] alone", and secondly because every conversation just ends with me being blamed for how I react/what I'm like (it's not what I do - it's who I am), him winning or running off to stonewall in the bathroom.

OP if you're scared to tell him how you feel or to call him out on his sulking and unreasonable behaviour have you considered if it falls under the heading of emotional abuse? You should never be afraid of your partner.

It sounds an awful way to live A like you are beholden to his moods and he dictates the tone of your interactions.

I know it's hard contemplating the end of a relationship when children are in the mix, have you thought how it would work practically? You can have two happy homes for the children.

Again, it's difficult for any of us to say what the problem is exactly, IMO.

His sulking is not good at all, but your exchanges, such as about rinsing leather shoes, could sound nasty to him or as unwarranted criticism, which can end up grating.

If you don't go the route of counselling, I'd try to look at transactional analysis through a book. It looks at what we say and do and the roles we assume in exchanges.

For example, regarding the shoes, you could be assuming a negative parent role (criticism or patronising) that he responds to in a negative child role (probably as resistant child ).

See for example: www.businessballs.com/transact.htm

I think it pays to look at how we communicate in relation to these roles and what we get back.

BTW, it's important that he's on board with improving the relationship. If he isn't, then it's best to simply let go.

He's on board in the sense that I should improve myself to not be do difficult and work on my various character flaws.

Lweji - thanks for this, but even to have to go through so much self-reflection just because I don't think leather should be rinsed under a tap seems torture to me.

I think in a healthy context, that would go something like this:

Me: "I don't think the shoes should be rinsed, it's not good for the leather. you need a brush."

Him: "Do you think so? I think it's fine to rinse it, just to get the mud off. Just gently."

Me: "Ok then".

Done.

I think in relation to shoes, unless they're yours, just let it be. Anything else is criticism of him. Unless you can show that it damages the leather.

But, if he never recognises any faults in him and never apologises, then I don't see how the relationship can work.

See, Lweji, I find this so unacceptable! Why can't I say something like this? Why shouldn't I say something like this? Why can't he be expected to take criticism, or even just having a decision questioned???

It depends if it's just occasionally or constantly.

But, like I said, if he can never ever find fault in himself, apologise or take suggestions, then you'd be flogging a dead horse.

It's occasional, it's not personal (nothing like 'You don't even know how to clean shoes! or similar), it's innocuous.

He said he would never apologise to me, and that I AM the problem. If only I would change, and become reasonable, everything would be great. He hasn't done anything!!

Well, in that case, you'll be better off telling him you'll improve your life by removing him from it.

I bet his tone will change and there will be promises.

Yes it does sound sarcastic to me. It sounds like he annoys you and it is not that well disguised.
Both 'concise' and 'eloquent' were not meant kindly; this is why they are sarcastic. They were not 'gentle' either, they were passive aggressive. I think you are probably frustrated by his memory/organisation and outwit him verbally whereas he shows his hurt more obviously.

I don't really understand why you are concerned about the perceived tone of text messages when you don't like each other. It's neither here nor there is it?

I'm worried that I am being sarcastic without noticing it - and it seems that I am (even though my intention is gentle irony).

I think you're trying to make a point in a jokey way but the point itself is very clear (being: your replies are too short; surely you know the children are at school??; oh so you can manage a long response occasionally).
I should say that I'd probably be the same as you so it's quite helpful to read it as someone else. So I don't mean this to be saying you're not nice. I sympathise with your frustration.
I guess you would recognise that it could be inflammatory to a colleague for example and might not speak to them in the same way?

As a last resort, he threatens divorce

That's a threat? I'd take him at his word if I were you.