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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I stay or go

32 replies

cookies92 · 21/03/2017 10:09

I've been with my other half for 5 years we are due to get married in June and have a 2.5 year old son. We are 24 and 25.

My problem is I don't know if I should leave him or not. Over the past 2 years or so I have been finding out things in regards to cheating, he lies a lot to me, lied about money. So many things yet he swears he loves me and my son and it would kill him if we left. Every time I think things are fine something comes up and I'm thrown into turmoil again. I want it to work but I don't want to be a mug. Has anyone got any advice?

Thanks

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 21/03/2017 10:14

So basically he is a compulsive liar?
A wedding ring won't change that.
Only you can change your path.
But a one without him seems a better prospect imo.
Don't be bullied by him threatening his life either. .

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/03/2017 10:16

How do you relax knowing he's not reliable? I would find it exasperating and don't like being treated like a fool.

Rikalaily · 21/03/2017 10:20

Totally agree with Wishiwasmoiradingle2017! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living like this? You are considering leaving, just that reason alone means you should definitely not marry. Liars and cheats will continue to lie and cheat, he has broken the unspoken vows of a loving relationship already, he won't stick to his wedding vows either.

TheNaze73 · 21/03/2017 10:35

You'd be making a massive mistake in marrying him. Leopards very rarely change their spots.

Original poster

cookies92 · 21/03/2017 10:48

I don't want to leave, we have everything he could possibly want. It would killed me. And my son because he loves his dad soo much. But I'm sick of finding things out. Every time he does the same thing he denies then when that doesn't work repeatedly apologises and says he's sorry will never do it again. A couple of times his parents have had to step in and 'have a word' to make him see sense. I keep thinking he'll grow up and change. He won't will he? :(

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Original poster

cookies92 · 21/03/2017 10:50

I thought things were fine but last night my friend told me he'd told everyone he had kissed someone at our sons head wetting 2 years ago. She said she wanted to tell me but didn't want to ruin my life. He said he only said it as a joke. How is that a joke :( we have to start paying things off for our wedding within the next couple of weeks and I just don't know

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Original poster

cookies92 · 21/03/2017 10:53

When I say all these things I know I look stupid, love just gets in the way

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Adora10 · 21/03/2017 10:54

Look, you know the guy is untrustworthy, you have ample evidence; so, your choices are to stay and suck up more let downs or actually decide you deserve better and make a life of your own; it's really not that difficult, love or not, he's constantly letting you down, that's not true love in my book.

Bluebell9 · 21/03/2017 10:55

If it was a one off occurrence, I would say he might change, but hes done it again and again, why would he change? You forgive him when he says hes sorry and I'm sure he promises to never do it again. And yet he still does. He's not showing any respect for you. I'm sorry but I think if you marry him, this will just be a cycle of him messing up and you forgiving him.
I couldn't live like that.

Secretariat · 21/03/2017 10:56

He cant be trusted and your so called friend left it over two years before she told he was a cheating scumbag. I think you need a new BF and new mate!

Happybunny19 · 21/03/2017 10:59

Fuck the wedding, cancel that now and work out if you really want to spend any more of your precious youth with a liar. He can still be a great dad if you're not together, that's not a good enough reason to be messed about. He needs to grow up fast, but he won't while he continues to fuck up and get away with it each time. He's a father now and, regardless of his age, can't rely on his parents stepping in to have a word. You would be mental to go ahead with the wedding IMO, sorry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2017 11:03

I would call time now on both the relationship and the wedding. You will simply end up divorcing him. The whole thing is a cycle of him behaving badly and you forgiving him over and over. He must think you are a right mug; he is showing you no respect whatsoever for you and his child. And your friend has been anything but as well, she kept that quiet for way too long.

He would not care ultimately if you did leave; he'd soon find some other woman to sponge off, chat on and otherwise treat abysmally. You cannot make a relationship work on your own; it takes two and he is showing you by word and deed he is untrustworthy. He is also not a great role model for his child either is he?.

Original poster

cookies92 · 21/03/2017 11:03

Its not just cheating. Well to be fair I don't know if he actually has. I did find him messaging a girl a year ago but there was nothing incriminating it just didn't sit well with me. I don't really care about my friend telling me 2 years later i understand why she didn't. He is denying it though and saying he hasn't he just said it to look cool although I don't understand how it makes him look cool! Other things like letting us down money wise, choosing football over us etc. Im just stupid I guess. I don't even know where to go with this now, it's so embarrassing having to cancel our wedding.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2017 11:08

It may feel sad cancelling the wedding but better now to rip the plaster off than a costly divorce in both emotional and financial terms potentially 18-24 months down the line. The good people in your life will rally around and support you through dark days. You will come to know who your friends really are. People cancel weddings all the time and for good reasons like your reasons; you won't be the last one to do so.

Such selfish and entitled men like the man you are describing do not change. A wedding ring won't change his behaviours towards you.

KarmaKit · 21/03/2017 11:09

Which is more embarrassing - taking a stand and cancelling the wedding, showing him and everyone else you won't be treated like dirt? Or going ahead and living a miserable life where he treats you like dirt and everyone knows?

KarmaKit · 21/03/2017 11:11

I married a man who acted like yours, thinking it would change him. It did, but not for the better. Whereas I saw it as a new start, a chance to be seen as a strong partnership, he saw it as him having me just where he wanted me for continued and worsening abuse. He made a fool of me basically.
Don't let that happen to you.

PatriciaHolm · 21/03/2017 11:12

Better cancelling a wedding than trying to negotiate a divorce several years and multiple affairs down the line.

He knows he can get away with it. Why would he stop?

Happybunny19 · 21/03/2017 11:14

^ that exactly

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/03/2017 11:20

It is less of a headache to cancel now than go through with it and mess with your head forever after.

People can be immature and still not cheat. If he has done anything of that nature or thinks it's cool to act like a player, you really can do so much better.
His parents shouldn't need to step in. He's a grown man. It sounds as if you're the adult here. You're not his mummy.

Original poster

cookies92 · 21/03/2017 11:37

Ok it's pretty obvious what I need to do. I've had this gut feeling for a while I've always put it to the back of my mind praying he will finally grow up. Im so scared for my son because he will take so bad. I've never been through this before, no one in my family has gone through a break up involving kids and I just don't know what to do from here...

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Original poster

cookies92 · 23/03/2017 16:21

So I think we have come to the decision to end things. Need to cancel the wedding, it's going to be so embarrassing and upsetting telling everyone :( he's said he's sorry and we deserve better. Im so heartbroken :(

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Adora10 · 23/03/2017 16:24

He probably is sorry and probably does want to keep you but the problem is he's not committed is he; lies, cheating, and that's before marriage.

I am sorry but you are definitely doing the right thing.

Original poster

cookies92 · 23/03/2017 16:28

He spoke with my mum and I think that's what's drove him to give up, he was determined we would get through it and get married. But my mum said she knows he loves me but she doesn't think that's enough for him. So he said he doesn't want to put me through this, and we deserve better and he will speak to the hotel about the wedding :( I just wish we could fix it

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/03/2017 17:57

It is easy for him to say the right thing when he's backed into a corner but you have to go by his actions not weak promises and puppy dog eyes. These are big issues and the joy of a wedding day wears off fast.
I am guessing when he's good he's lovely, but when he's untrustworthy around women and lies about money, little by little you lose respect for him.

Original poster

cookies92 · 24/03/2017 10:14

God it's so hard! He has many good qualities but these things are majorly bad :( I know the wedding is a bad idea, but do you think I should still give him a chance otherwise?

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