Do I have a right to be angry w

[samanthajayne17]

So my husband has just called me selfish. The reason is, is because he finished 45 minutes late today at work and told me it's coz something sad has happened at work ( I don't want to get into the sad thing that's happened on here but it's a sad thing happened at work)

He's a support worker so due to the job he will generally have last minute shift changes, finishing 30-45 over his shifts some days. And when I complain he calls me selfish. Am I not allowed to be considering I'm forced to be a stay at home mum. I cant work a job around him if he's having his shifts changed last minute or he's finishing later than he's told me. I feel like our life is run around his job. I feel resentful. He also goes on holiday with them now and again... it's always in the U.K. But that also gets planned on certain dates that I would have to work a job around.
He seems to always have something to talk about whilst my life is boring and tedious. I just told him I'm going out on the weekend ( I'm not I have no friends) but wanted to see his reaction and he said 'as if I'll let you'
Saying he would have to pick me up early with the kids If I go any where. I asked if he was joking and he said no he's not. I feel like an unpaid maid

Yet he's goes out when he wants and I said well it's not right if I can't go anywhere at night and he said 'I'm a man it's different' 😡

Yep, absolutely to be right to be annoyed.

He is not your dad and can't stop you.If be does be is being controlling.

You need to have stuff to do that means he looks after the DCs. Don't make it a stand off, just get a life and tell him you are going out. Or arrange a babysitter.
But you need to do stuff for your own sake, what he is doing is secondary to that imo.

Up until the bit about him 'not letting' you out, I was thinking, well, it's work and he can't help having erratic hours.

But it sounds like there are bigger problems here. Why don't you have any friends? Is it because you have no freedom, is it because he drove them off/made it difficult for you to see them either by moods or directly?

Why on earth would you let him decide when he picks you up, anyway? Look, this is not his decision. You are an adult, you can make your own plans.

If I were you, I would think about whether this man is controlling and isolating you. I would make moves to become independent, financially and in all other ways. He doesn't get to tell you when and what you do and keep you in the home.

Go out this weekend. Stay out as long as you want. Don't ask his permission. You are an adult, you don't need his permission. Just put on your glad rags and go out.

Why don't you have any friends? That's a big flappy red flag.

Oh fuck that. Leave, this will never get better. He sounds like a controlling knob. You're a bloody grown woman! Yes you have to fit in around each other when you have kids but fuck being told what I'm 'allowed' to do.

I would recommend getting a job, op. Arrange childcare that works around your job. Get your life running without needing any input from him & you'll be set up if you decide to leave.

He said he won't stop me going out but he said he will make me 'come back quickly' so In other words he will do something to make me worry and rush back.
We been together nearly 12 years but about 8 years ago I was going cinema with a lady from church and he text me saying he was taking the kids out of the country making me panic after the film so I come back quickly... he said it was a joke but I should have clicked then

I don't have friends because I never get chance to make them. I have 0 freedom

Personally I wouldn't JUST be angry. I'd be leaving if I had a partner who thought he could decide whether I'm allowed to go out. And him texting you that is ridiculously controlling. That situation alone would be enough for me to end the relationship...

I understand that you (probably) don't want to split up your family but I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who treated me like that.

Have you considered leaving him?

do you go out in the day?

It sounds like an intolerable situation. What a horrible way to live.

This is controlling behaviour. It's a sign of domestic violence. You deserve better than this.

Women's Aid and the National Domestic Violence can help you.

OP this sounds like huge red flags! To actually scare you into coming back from the cinema, the fact you took the threat as serious, it's all way too controlling. How old are your children? Can you make nursery/school mum friends? Even little baby gym etc sessions if younger. I would sit him down and tell him he can trust you bit that you need some friends and time of your own.

I also agree with previous posters, if you talk to him and he seriously won't 'allow' you out or will ruin it you should seriously consider leaving. Does he like your children socialising?

I'm a man it's different'

Has he always had this view?

This will only continue to happen if you let it.

You need to be firm. Get ready to go out and say "I'll see you later".

Don't allow this imbalance in your relationship is otherwise you'll get bitter and resentful of everything.

You are not just a wife and a mother, you are also yourself. Don't let that be taken away from you.

I don't know if I should write this or not but someone can always tell me if it's wrong.
OP
Do you happen to belong to any culture by any chance that has misogyny?

I wouldn't say which culture but his words ring a bell. I have seen it elsewhere. Not in the UK though.

Oh dear - He's done a right number on you.
Imagine your freedom if you left this asshole!!!
He'd have them every other weekend depending on shifts.
Some time in the week.
He sounds abusive - sorry but he does.
Maybe contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and they will be able to help you see this for what it is.
Making you rush back by threatening the kids.
NOT OK!!!! That's a really feckin' nasty thing to do.
Get hold of the DC passports right now and hide them!
Then he can't threaten that again.
WHEN you go out - make sure you do - turn your phone off!
How old are your DC?