How Do You Move On?

[saythatagain]

Having had a terrible couple of weeks after having found out about dh's non-affair/over friendly-ness with a work colleague that is now over, but was nothing to begin with; I would dearly like to make in-roads into moving on from it. I'm under no illusion that it will take a long, long time but I feel, given my character, that I might make myself not move on iykwim. I wonder if anyone has any book recommendations/web sites that would help me.

I hope what I've just typed makes some sort of sense to someone!
TIA.

So he got over-friendly with a work colleague? Flirting, texts, that sort of thing?

And you want to put it behind you and move on but you're scared you might not be able to?

Has he cut off all contact? Is he being completely open with you with regards to e-mails, text messages, where he's going out etc?
Does this girl know exactly where she stands?

Oh yes TW, there's been a whole other thread about that. It's now at the stage where we both need to move on. DH has and is doing all he can to help with it but I know I have to try really, really hard to (given the type of person I am), which is quite ironic considering it is me who is the injured party. I know what you are thinking; how can you really really know. At some stage I have to take a leap of faith in dh and all that we have talked about. What I don't want to do is not allow our marriage a chance to survive by me being too wrapped up in what has happened.

I understand I really do. I asked all those questions as a very similar thing happened to me and those were the things I needed to get sorted immediately before I could even think about moving on.

If it helps, from my experience, I found that as long as I felt secure and that he was being open and honest, I could put it behind me. But that had to be 100% what I wanted to do. (At first I wasn't sure if he'd spoilt things forever and that's when it was too difficult.)

12 months on I don't think about it regularly anymore and I (almost) fully trust him again.

But I had to be in the right frame of mind to get here.

I'm sorry I can't be any help with web sites or books. Hopefully someone will come along soon who can be.
But I wanted you to know I understand and you can do it if it's what you really want. You've had the strength to get this far. The next part should get easier by the day xx

Thanks Tinkie, it has been really, really hard just to get to this point. Everyday is a struggle at the moment but it is getting better. It's hard to put into words what exactly did/didn't go on but I do believe dh. I'm not yet at the 100% knowing stage yet but feel I'm heading towards it.
I think sometimes it would be easier to say 'stuff it', split up, get the pain over with and move on, but in my heart I don't want to do that.

Totally understand. I believe dh too, but the things he did/didn't do just seemed to push the boundaries and go that bit too far. But at the same time, nothing 'too' serious happened. IYSWIM?!! So it was bad. But not as bad as it could have been. Looking back I think it was his stupidity and enjoying the attention more than anything.

So I still love him and want to try. Even though I'm hurt beyone belief. But I keep telling myself it could have been worse, and we all make mistakes, so a one off can hopefully be forgiven.

Sorry - waffling - but hopefully you see what I mean!

{{{hugs}}}

Oh yes I do!...Very much. Thanks

I should add that I'm still interested in anyone who has any good advice re books etc.

Hi Saythatagain - glad to see you're feeling better and ready to put things behind you

I'm afraid I don't have any recommendations for books or anything like that. I just wanted to say hi! Let me know if you find anything - I'm sure I'll find it useful as well

Thanks Cash.
Still have low points during the day (most unexpectedly). DH is being very supportive (as you would expect). It was our 4th wedding anniversary last week; he gave me a card with some beautiful words he'd written...it meant a lot as we're not the type to usually do that kind of thing.

If you know in your heart that you want to keep going with DH, then do so. We had something big about a year ago that resulted in complete loss of trust and I wasn't sure whether I could get over it but things I found helped were:

• giving DH opportunities to prove himself (in a good way rather than setting him up for a fall!)

• Doing something together that is completely new - helps the old phase to recede into the background. When things were quite a bit better we decided to move abroad and being here (7 weeks now) isthe start of a new era in our lives and has really sorted the last of it.

It will no doubt take you a long time to feel secure again but trust can be rebuilt. It does get easier and now only occasionally to I need to resist having a little snoop...

-make sure your life is full with positive things that keep your self-esteem high, will help you not to give space to thoughts of you not being enough for him etc. wyhich helps with trust.

Hi Saythatagain

I have so many books i could recommend i couldn't list them all on here.

I can recommend Amazon books though, if you go to their website you can put a relevant word in the search facility and it will come up with a whole host of related books.

I find this very helpful when i know what i want to research but don't have a book title in mind

Hope this helps

PS i am so glad you are feeling more postive and want your relationship to work. I wish you all the very best and am sure you will come out of this a stronger couple for having gone through it.

Thanks so much for your support. I don't think people realise how much it means to know you have someone in your corner with regards to stuff like this..real empathy.
Kirton - you're absolutely right about letting dh prove himself, spot on!

Relate have got two books - 'after the affair' and 'staying together'.

Best wishes