confused about getting married?

[alexandra1288]

Hi everyone. We have the wedding in July. He was confused some weeks ago and wanted to break up with me and cancel the wedding. He didn't cancel it, after some talk with some friends, he decided to be again with me and do the wedding. Also, I told him to stay and work together on this. He believes that I am spoiled because I was the only children at my parents (also adopted). I don't believe I am that spoiled because I am not the kind of woman who sits and does nothing. I do the laundry, I clean the house, I am doing food for us every couple of days, but he is also helping. He believes that I want to control him by wanting to talk during the day, at work and by wanting to know where he is every time. Now I am the one confused, sometimes he is mean to me and I know that I am needy and I want more attention. He was different an year ago, at the beginning of the relationship. He was more attentive, caring, and wanted more attention from my side. Now he wants more space, he is still caring, but is different, has more confidence that I will be there and it's ok..is this because I didn't let him to go away when he wanted to break up with me? Do I have issues because of neediness? I don't know what to do..

It's hard to judge given your fairly short post but it sounds as though you don't work?

If that's the case, so you're home alone all day and calling him at work for a chat, I can see why that would be problematic, as well as wanting to know where he is all the time.

I think generally, if you have your own job/life/friends/hobbies/interests, you're not really likely to be needy, but I may be wrong.

Walk away. This should be a really happy time and if one or both of you are having doubts then at the very least you need to postpone.

You do sound needy honestly. I wouldn't call him during the day, this would annoy the hell out of me if my partner did it and needing to know where he is does sound controlling. Honestly, I think you're the problem sorry.

i am working, but we usually chat via fb..

He believes that I want to control him by wanting to talk during the day, at work and by wanting to know where he is every time.

Sorry but you do sound a bit needy.

That would drive my DH up the wall.

ok, i believe these trust issues are from the biological mother, because she left me and wanted money from my adoptive parents..so i believe everyone will leave me..maybe that's why i am this needy. do you know how can I help myself? i came here for advice, not judgement.

Have you ever had counseling or therapy? It may be worth exploring it.

I wish you all the best

You should read the Primal Wound book.
It may hopefully answer many of your questions about being adopted and why you react and feel the way you do about relationships. It has certainly helped my understand myself (as a fellow adoptee) a lot better.
Be good to yourself. Being adopted is a lot harder to accept and cope with than most people can ever understand.

It's not a good idea for him to be chatting online with you at work - you're both risking disciplinaries/jobs that way unless it's in your breaks only.

How is he mean to you?

Perhaps you should delay your marriage until you are more sure that you can live peaceably together. Nothing you have posted would lead me to believe that you will both be happy.

I'm saying maybe put your plans on hold. You sound needy & he may not ever be able to give enough

I think there is a couple of things you need to work on and I think you should tell him that and ask him to be patient.

Whilst being in contact a lot might not feel controlling, on the other side it can put on pressure to account for where you are all the time. It speaks of a lack of trust and a desire to control.

You both need to consider that the wedding will not change any of this. He needs to help out at home more I think but it may be worth trying to pin down what he means by spoilt. A bit of couple counselling might help there.

Basically I think you need to be able to communicate more (without it being a row if you see what I mean).

It sounds as though you've only been together a year?
Maybe you should postpone the wedding, it sounds like you haven't really transitioned from "honeymoon phase" to "stable long term phase".

It doesn't sound like either of you are ready for marriage. This time together before your marriage should be a time of great anticipation for your future together and from what you have told us here I can't see that. You should not even be considering marriage unless you are both 100% sure it is the right thing to do.

I think perhaps you need to talk to someone about adoption as it sounds like it clearly worries you and is affecting the way you behave and act towards people you are close to.

My DH's job is full on and quite stressful so it would have to be an absolute emergency for me to contact him. He doesn't need me asking what he's doing all the time. Can you start by stopping wanting to be in communication with him all the time?

I think cancelling the wedding sounds like a very good idea.
Focus on getting some counselling and support for your attachment issues without the pressure of a wedding and lifetime commitment hanging over you.