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Original poster

Is it unreasonable that i feel hurt?

15 replies

DetentionGrrrl · 06/03/2007 08:23

My best friend and her fella have been invited to my house several times and i've cooked for us all. She's also been over when she's down and i've cooked her favourite meal to cheer her up. But they've never asked us there for a meal- and i know they've had other people over, this weekend being one of those times. And the people they had over they slag off to DP and I regularly.

I'm starting to think that they're horrible gossips (and probably talking about us to others) and that my friendship doesn't mean as much to her as i thought it did. Sounds petty perhaps, but i'm being overlooked for people she claims to not even like very much.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 06/03/2007 08:29

I would feel hurt and i would not contact her for a while and see how much effort she makes, how upset she is that you havent been in touch or if you are the type of person to confront i would email or text and say what you feel, if shes that good a friend she wont mind and will probably feel embarrased. If she starts avoiding you or doesnt contact you then you need to accept the friendship has come to an end.

Don't keep doing all the running you will only feel worse in the long run.

Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 08:41

I would be hurt too in that situation. What would happen if you (innocently) asked her how her dinner went over the weekend? Would she have the sense to feel embarrassed, would she try to make up excuses, or would she not even ackowledge that she really ought to have you over?

If she's the kind of person who's slagging off other supposed "friends" behind their backs then she may be the kind of person who's just using you/taking advantage. Could there be something else going on - like maybe her "fella" doesn't like your DP or something?

april74 · 06/03/2007 08:51

agree with what others have said there could be a reason, I once had a friend who invited all her other friends round for bar-b-q and not us, I did mention this once to her and it turns out all her other friends have 2 kids the same as her which keep her 2 entertained nicely, whereas I only having the 1 made for more arguments !!!!!

If she is the type to slag off others, its probably likely that she will do it about you.

You have to decide how much you value this friendship and if you do, you might want to say something, I would do it face to face if possible as sometimes texts and email do not come across in the same tone as you want them too.

paulaplumpbottom · 06/03/2007 09:01

If she talks about others then she probably talks about you. You should feel hurt that she hasn't invited you,its rude. I wouldn't have her over until your kindness is reciprocated.

GooseyLoosey · 06/03/2007 09:07

Does sound a bit odd. My best friend never invited me over to dinner either. When I finally asked her about it she said that she could not cook and would not inflict her cooking on me. She too had asked other people around (although rarely), but she said she wasn't that fussed whether they liked what they were eating or not.

Is she a good enough friend to ask if there's a problem? If not, then I think I might cool it a bit too and see what she does.

Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 09:10

The cooking thing isn't an excuse-I sometimes say to my best friend, well I don't feel like cooking but please come round and we'll get a curry or a pizza and some wine. She's not offended as she knows I'm doing it because I enjoy her company.

Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 06/03/2007 09:37

I may ask her.

Her man is a good friend of ours too, so that's not the issue.

We are the only ones with a child, but they know it's never a problem for us to arrange a babysitter. Whenever they leave they always say 'oh we shall have to have you over for a meal' but they never do.

I'm seeing her tonight, but not on our own, so perhaps i won't mention it tonight.

OP posts:
Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 11:04

DetentionGrrrl - sorry I didn't mean that her man was actually the problem, just that there may be another reason.

madamez · 06/03/2007 11:12

Er, maybe (and I really don't mean to insult you here, this is only a theoretical possibility ) it's that she and her other friends percieve that as you and your DP are the only parents in the gang, that your conversation centres a bit too much on parenting, and she doesn't want her other friends bored rigid with tales of potty-training.
A kinder interpreation of this is, perhaps, that one of her other friends is TTC, having problems, and would be upset by meeting someone who does have kids (but she doesn't want to tell you this as it's not her secret to share).

Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 11:19

Of course she may just be a horrible gossip and/or a snob! "Friends" of ours recently had a dinner party for their new neighbours - I believe the husband is a consultant. So she only invited other guests who were suitably "qualified"! (We weren't invited BTW)

Original poster
DetentionGrrrl · 06/03/2007 11:55

madamez- i don't think that's it. in fact, they are always the ones asking about DS, rather than us offering up exciting tales of sleeplessness and banana stains.

i think they're oblivious really, more than rude. and the people they've had over are actually acquaintances / friends of ours too.

Sugarmagnolia- your 'friends' sound like knobs!

OP posts:
bellarosa · 06/03/2007 18:18

just had this same conversation with someone the other day.
In our house we have only 2 evening meals on our own each week as someone is always just popping buy conveniently at dinner time and so more often than not they eat with us.

but i have been feeling that it is not reciprocated and fed up with all the freeloading... BUT I concluded that most of the said freeloaders repay us in other ways, baby sitting, listening to moans etc. Have you though of it like thar?
made me feel less taken advantage of.

deaconblue · 06/03/2007 19:40

After I've invited people over for dinner once or twice and had no invitation back I don't bother again. Just see them down the pub or somewhere where you don't have to make all the effort. The exception to this is my SIL who NEVER invites us and I keep asking them in the hope we might one day have a good relationship

Sugarmagnolia · 07/03/2007 07:28

Of course then there's the people who keep inviting you round to theirs and don't get the hint when you don't reciprocate! (Is that terrible?)

madamez · 07/03/2007 22:47

Good point, bellarosa. There are all sorts of reasons why someone might not return a dinner invitation with a dinner invitation - maybe they don't have room to feed guests at a sit down meal, for one thing. Prior to having DS, I lived in a one-bedroom flat that was pretty much all workspace/bedroom so hardly ever had anyone round for a meal. But I did get people on club guest lists, buy them drinks, spend evenings giving a sympathetic ear to their problems...
Also, some people are not only lousy cooks but are insecure about it, and therefore are too frightened to invite others to come round and, oh, we'll phone for a pizza.
OP, it might help to make yourself a list of all the to-ing and fro-ing in your friendship with this other person rather than hanging it all on dinners: if it turns out that they are` just taking off you all the time, then you'll know...

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