Husband mood swings

[TipsyFairy]

Hi everyone. I'll try and condense this to make it easier to read so please understand if I miss things out.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 children. For most of the time he's loving, works very hard for us and is very generous.

However, he is also very moody and snappy often and sometimes he shuts down completely. Yesterday for example ... my 7 year old son is very very disorganised, has selective hearing and yesterday he did a minor thing wrong and I got cross (a culmination of me being irritated about his absent mindedness) I wasn't shouting or anything but my reaction was, I admit, disproportionate. At this point my husband started to get angry too and was saying "yes yes DS, you're completely retarded. You're an idiot" etc and it went on until my son started to cry. I asked him not to call him that and so he said OK he'd call him an RI instead, meaning retarded idiot. We had to go out and we got in the car and it continued. I snapped and said please stop saying that to him and he then said that to be honest it was me he was annoyed with because I was too cross with DS over this minor thing. I asked why he felt the need to upset DS more and why he hadn't just taken me to one side and say that I was being too heavy handed. He said because he felt it would make me stop (??) and I wouldn't have listened anyway (I think that's unfair - I always take any criticism from him in, listen properly and try to change, especially if it involves the children).

Anyway, he basically ignored me for the rest of the day after he had his outburst in the car, I usually retreat to the utility room when he's in one of these moods and I did most of the outstanding ironing. From time to time I was crying (I know it sounds pathetic but I can't describe how bad it feels when he shuts me out over a minor disagreement) and he came in for something and saw me. He asked why the hell I was crying and I said that when he's like this I feel crushed. At this he burst out laughing a d said scathingly, "crushed! I'd split my sides laughing" and he walked out chuckling. He carried on the silent treatment and we went to bed on bad terms. It continued for the rest of today, Sunday, and in the afternoon he asked what I wanted for tea. I've been dieting recently and really fancied some KFC, so I said KFC please. He walked off wordlessly but we home cook most of the time and he really loves having a take away normally.

Later on he asked my son what he wanted and when he got a reply I heard him say "Hmm maybe I'll make some pasta". I knew this was my 'punishment' so I ignored it and got up to make pasta (to appear unconcerned about the KFC). At this point my daughter (9) said aw can't we have KFC and I said no, daddy would like something home cooked. He then realised his chance of KFC was slipping away and tried to back pedal saying he didn't really mind, but I pushed on with the pasta, knowing that my not coming into the room to ask why we weren't having that would ruin his attempt to upset me. I made the pasta and the 3 of them ate it, with him getting irritable about tiny details. He said "for fucks sake" at least twice under his breath and did these incredibly deep sighs that he does when he's in one of these moods. It's such a deep sigh that even when I'm in another room it turns my heart to hear it.

We eventually went to bed and he said "sleep well" then turned over to sleep. So now I'm in bed typing this in turmoil, while he sleeps deeply.

This is one example. Most of the time he's caring and tells me he loves me several times a day with hugs and kisses but these huge silences happen from time to time (the last one was last weekend, but before that a while ago) although he often (daily) snaps at me for not much, even when things are nice. He's quite stressed with work (we run our own business) and I'll ask a simple question and get a really sharp retort. He has tried to address this though and I now say something like, "Wait, why are you replying like that?" and he'll usually rephrase it to sound less harsh.

It's hard to describe, but I feel totally abandoned during these phases. It's so hard to cope with. In a day or so he'll be poking me and saying something like "don't be moody" and "cmon, love meeee". I always give in because I want things to be nice and if I try to post mortem it too much, it'll lead to a huge silence like this weekend. So I have to just leave it.

But I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I probably start most days that hes home with a lump in my throat because of something he's snapped at me over. An example is that last weekend he did the usual pokey jokey make up thing and I tried to deal with what had happened. So I said that I wanted to be friendly very much but I didn't want him to trivialise what he'd put me through all weekend. He tried a bit more and repeated the trivialise thing to which he suddenly turned from his smiling self, said "prick" and stalked away from me. This prolonged the silent treatment even more, so normally I just accept the attempt to 'make up' but I'm left feeling like crap inside.

It's just that I can never be cross with him for more than a few seconds or it'll turn into something much more, like this weekend. But he feels able to be cross with me whenever he feels like it.

There's no question of an affair and that's certain, I promise you.

He often acknowledges that hes stressy and says he'll change but he never does.

I just feel like walking out and never returning.

I don't know what to do. I'm writing this now because I can't sleep and meanwhile he's sleeping deeply next to me

So sorry for the long post and thank you to anyone who read it all!

Morning op

I think you should ask yourself if you want another 10 years of this pattern of sulking/coldness and being amazing. It sounds exhausting.

I don't know if you can help him break the pattern or if he'd even be receptive to that (doesn't sound like it)

Maybe next time he comes back and wants to make up then don't. I know leaving a 10 year marriage must be a huge decision but I think it's really worth thinking about

@redstep - how horrible for that to happen to you - and the sleeping afterwards when you wanted to talk must have left you feeling both worthless and frustrated at the lack of communication. Really upsetting. I wonder how sleep comes so easily at times like this.

I'm not a people pleaser as such (but I have the sweetest friend who is, so I can see how that trait would leave you very vulnerable indeed) yet I'm still going through this, I am a "him" pleaser though because I really love him and the good times are SO good (although he still snaps replies daily, even when saying how much he loves me and how beautiful I am!!?!). And no, you're right, I wouldn't DREAM of freezing him out for 2 whole days (so far - I don't know what Monday brings) for one single thing he did that I hadn't even given him a chance to put right or defend.

In fact, just you writing that makes me see how crazy this is - I'm trying to imagine the tables turned and I can't. It just wouldn't happen. If I have a complaint I'll say it and he'll either accept it or get angry and if it's the latter I just tend to lay off. I'm imagining me raging for 2 whole days with no actual justification. It's almost making me laugh because it seems so alien!!!

I also agree with your powerless diagnosis, he does have some work things going on that are making him feel very powerless at the moment but what I know for sure, is that he doesn't talk to anyone at work like this, in fact the chaps he works with all think he's amazing and all will go the extra mile for him because of this.

I also can't leave, but I increasingly wish I could.

My heart goes out to you Red.

When you say you can't leave - you are giving him all the power to never change. I wouldn't advocate leaving, until you are sure there is no other option. But you have to know in your heart that it is an option (and not 'when the kids reach X)... otherwise you are trapped. Emotional abuse is now illegal. And for a reason. It can become completely unbearable and affect your own judgement! If you can sort it sooner, good luck!

I wouldn't accept the excuse of being stressed. This is just him and what he's like. What a dick. I think you need to get him to do something about it, if he doesn't I can't see much hope for you. Maybe anger management, CBT or counselling.

Your op is all about how horrible he is to you and how bad he makes you feel, but he's emotionally abusive to your children and you barely mentioned it

This isn't a good man or a good father. He's abusive to all of you. You and your children are being abused.

Wow so many more comment this morning! It's so sweet that you all care enough to reply to me and it's made me feel so warm! Thank you all for your very kind and wise words! Thanks Shayelle, and Flymo79, lots of sense there, you're right totally about the bit of a funk comment!

Enough101 you have summed up EXACTLY how it goes and EXACTLY how it feels! I'm so sorry that you've been in this situation too but although I'd never wish it on anyone, it's of some comfort to hear from people who have been through this. Everything you've said, the shit on his shoe, I've actually told him it makes me feel like this - he just laughs at me like you say. The gratefulness when they want to unfreeze, you're so grateful that you daren't question what happened in case it kicks off again! So sad for you!

redstep
Another thing I read is that they feel powerless and out of control hence the anger. Not sure how to help the poor chaps with that

Did you honestly just say that women should be helping their 'poor chaps' not to be so angry with them and their children? Fuck me.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE and these men have long since crossed that line.

Counselling for your own selves and alone is certainly advisable. DO NOT ever enter into joint counselling with these men, joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within a relationship. You are both suffering at the hands of their emotional abuse meted out towards you and in turn your children who are seeing all this as well. You cannot fully protect them from his abuses of you.

Abuse is not about a lack of communication; its about power and control. These men want absolute over you and in turn their children as well.

Silent treatment as well is never ever about being silent; its again about exerting their power and control over you.

Look at their parents as well; this behaviour can be learnt from them. These people saw this somewhere (likely them) and decided to use it on their chosen victims i.e. you people and in turn your children. They do this also because they can and it works for them; it has the two of you completely submissive and subservient.

What you are seeing here Tipsy and redstep is the well worn cycle of abuse but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. It does not and will not get any better for either of you so long as you stay within your emotionally abusive relationship. The so called "good times" are probably becoming further and far between and are mainly on his own terms. Abusive people as well tend to be very plausible to those in the outside world so many of them have no idea of their true nature either. Also you are seeing their true selves, they rarely if ever do. Street angel, house devil is a good phrase to describe them.

Children are pretty much hard wired to love their parents anyway no matter how they are. Would you want your children to repeat this for them as adults, you are showing them that currently at least this is acceptable to you on some level.

You have children; is this what you want to teach them about relationships, that yes this is truly how adults behave?. Surely not, this is a very damaging legacy to leave them. They see and hear far more than you care to realise; they are not daft and they know that things are not great at home between their mum and dad. They also have some awareness that their friend's dads do not behave like their dad.

Womens Aid are well worth talking to on 0808 2000 247.

Im sorry but you need to stop making excuses for him. He's a controlling bully and he is abusive. If you read your post back, you'll notice that his behaviour is completely out of line, you try to justify him and take the blame onto yourself. He will manipulate you using children and through withdrawing emotionally. When you get upset, he'll just proceed to kick you to the ground - verbally and emotionally.
And so you notice how you're tryng to second guess what he's trying to imply or the second he mentions what he wants for dinner, you trot off to do it as it's all about pleasing the bully.

I think he sounds completely horrid and don't understand why you put up with this bullying and verbal abuse towards the children???

Domestic abuse is not an anger management problem.

They do have a problem with anger: They have a problem with their partners’ anger. If partners “dare” to challenge batterers, the response is quick and destructive. Such men hate women, all of them.

If batterers were unable to control their anger, they would be abusive with everyone, including their bosses, friends and neighbours. This is rarely the case. Part of the performance of domestic abuse is everyone outside of the home believes their facade of being a nice person. You don’t really know who they are because they don’t want you to know them.

Cricrichan - yes its exactly this that I can't bear, how can they be different to the children. Like you say, either really over the top nice (so they know there's a problem) or extremely short and snappy. It's a way of making you regret your temerity to speak out I think!

Champagne - I can't bear to think of you feeling crushed. Your short message almost made me cry. Hugs to you :(

Springlake - this is the problem. He won't accept any blame, he just turns it on me and makes out that I'm saying I'm perfect, which of course I'm not. I can be a wind up at times, just like anyone, but no more than any normal person. I'm usually thoughtful and kind towards him. He always says sorry, but will never actually talk about how truly hurtful his behaviour is, he just tells me to stop being dramatic. Is emotional abuse illegal?? I didn't realise this, how would I even prove it though?

Morning Shoxfordian, I don't want another 10 years of this, but the children really do love him. It's so hard to know what to do.

Gallavich sorry you're right, I had thought that myself. However it was my distress at the treatment of my son that moved me to write but he isn't usually like that to them. He does get very snappy with them when he's cross with me though but not normally to the point of actually talking to my son like that. But please don't think that I'm just worried for me, I know it sounded that way. The argument actually blew up in the first place because I was telling him not to speak to my son like that, I knew it could cause an argument as I was being forceful, I did raise my voice and tell him to STOP talking to my son like that abd thats when it started. Please believe my children aren't an afterthought although my first post could read that way. It's only because of them that I stay and put up with this. I think that if it weren't for them we'd have had a blazing row over his treatment of me but I have to keep silent because they're always there when he is and I can't risk them hearing a huge row.

Definitely give women's aid a ring. They really helped me. This is not simply a case of someone being a bit sulky, its full on abuse. There's much more to it. As some pp's have said here, your child will be affected more than you know. They are the reason I removed us from the situation. I was starting to see mini silent treatments being done to them and total eruptions of anger over minor things. They will either turn out the same or accept this behaviour from someone else. Either way, neither need happen if you catch this early enough. You said in your op that last weekend was the last time he did it. As someone up thread says, this will become more frequent. The reason why is because it works for him. What reason does he have to stop? It has the desired affect. I also wouldn't try to change myself in order to manage these behaviours. Whilst I a firm believer that you cannot change anyone, only yourself, in this case you cannot change him and you must not change yourself to adapt to his behaviour. You are starting to realise that this is not right. In every abusive relationship there are great times, that's all part of it. In 'normal' relationships, there are more of them and when people have disagreements, which everyone does, the other person is not reduced to feeling like absolute scum. Please just look after yourself and your DC. The time will come when you don't want this anymore.

Hi Tipsy

Re your comment:-
"Morning Shoxfordian, I don't want another 10 years of this, but the children really do love him. It's so hard to know what to do".

Its not about them solely though is it?. Such abuse is deliberate and does tie up their intended target in knots.

Do not put yourself through another 10 months of this let alone another 10 years. By that time the emotional damage to you all will be chronic. They do not have to hear a huge row either; they pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken. They see his pokey treatment of you and your appeasing reactions particularly after a bout of silent treatment from him, how you try and put a brave face on. Its no legacy to leave them, they could well go on to repeat this and seek out similar partners in their own adult relationship.

Children love parents anyway no matter how rubbish they actually are. Its still no reason to stay; besides which staying for the children is a terrible idea and places a huge burden on said children. He is not a good dad to his children if he treats you as their mother like this.

Yeah I agree about calling women's aid.
Of course the children love their dad but the example of your relationship isn't one you necessarily want them to take forward. I'm sure you wouldn't want them to end up in a similar relationship when they're adults.

As you currently plan to stay, how about a different method for handling him? At the moment you are treating him like a rational adult even when he isn't behaving like one.

It is his choice to be moody and arsey, it is entirely yours how you respond. Now you are aware of it all and it isn't creeping up on you, then work on your own responses. Build up your boundaries so him being a git doesn't reduce you to tears in the utility room. Get past the shock of it and realise that you cannot rely on him for emotional support. When that happens, his grumpiness won't affect you so badly and you'll be able to respond better and protect your children. We are trained to appease but that isn't helping you right now.

When he says inappropriate things to the children, try a sharp 'Stop that now, it's mean!' It isn't like he doesn't know.
When he suggests pasta after agreeing KFC tell him you and DCs are going for KFC but he can make himself pasta if he prefers.

He's behaving at the emotional level of a toddler, and needs reparenting! Stay calm, don't escalate, just shut down any attempts he makes to tantrum.

Don't start with big things, just small things. At the first sign of physical aggression, get out. This man can't manage his emotions.

You really can't stay with this man. He's abusing your son. It's as black and white as that. All young children love their parents, regardless of how badly they're treated. You can't stay based on the fact they love him.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but but the way he spoke to your son was absolutely dreadful and abusive.

loveyoutothemoon he is stressed, but I agree that he is also a total dick to us.

AtillaTheMeerkat I believe his own father (who is now dead) was abusive. His mum is absolutely lovely but she is definitely gentle and too gentle to stand up to a man like this. Street Angel, house devil does describe it really.

I must add that he never, ever been violent in any way or ever made me feel that he might lash out physically to us, not ever, not once.

JoJoSM2 What happened with the dinner wasn't quite as you read it. I'd asked for KFC when he asked what I wanted and I knew he'd be happy with that. Then later on he starts saying that hes going to look for some pasta to cook. He did this on purpose, because he wanted to 'punish' me. Do you see what I mean? He knew I wanted KFC so thats why he started saying about making pasta (which he knows I dislike). It was designed to make me either have to say 'oh please can we have KFC' or to just feel sad that we weren't having it. I know for certain it was a 'punishment', however, I also equally knew that he would have wanted KFC and so would be hoping for me to try to get it, so I deliberately decided to not play his game and so thats why I instantly started cooking the pasta myself, as if I really didn't care about the KFC, do you see what I mean? That was when he realised his plan wasn't quite working and he realise I wasn't going to have to beg for KFC so he tried to pull it back by saying 'oh I don't mind what we have, whatever the children want' because he knew they wanted KFC. But by this time, I'd already started cooking the pasta and he had to eat that lol. I was just shoving his punishment back at him (if that all makes any sense!)

Am coming back, just walking to school and then going to the dentist, but I will be back. Thank you, all of you :)

I have not read the full thread OP but I got tot he bit where you said you didn't want to take the DC away from him because DS loves him etc. Please don't feel like this. You have to be much stronger than you are being. Your boy will be 'making nice' too, desperately but he is just a kid but you are an adult and have to make an adult style decision here for the benefit of all. You are facilitating DH's abuse of your DC here by doing anything other than going ballistic and leaving at his being called retard/idiot/retarded idiot etc. and taking the DC with you. Seriously you have to look at the bigger picture here and the more it happens and you allow it, the more it will happen.

It's five years since I left my ex. Your post gives me chills because the silent treatment is so, so familiar.

I don't miss it one bit.

The other day, I was in a supermarket next to an elderly couple. The woman very quietly asked the man if he would like lamb or beef for his Sunday lunch. He hissed at her with pure venom, "Why do you always have to make such a fuss."

That too was a reminder of what I escaped. It's what your future could be, OP if you tolerate your husband's current manipulation. Imagine, a whole lifetime of it, and your children witnessing you model it as normal.

It isn't. I promise.

Just read a bit more. Your gut feeling is to walk away. Do it ffs.

I don't care what his issues are, he called a seven year old a 'retarded idiot'.
Plan. Leave. Take the children. Note everything he does and says in the meantime. You need evidence to limit his access - they shouldn't be left with him for long periods.
'Loving him' is an indulgence you can no longer afford. You need to protect your babies. Get out of there, or get him out.

Hi Tipsy

re your comment:-

"AtillaTheMeerkat I believe his own father (who is now dead) was abusive. His mum is absolutely lovely but she is definitely gentle and too gentle to stand up to a man like this. Street Angel, house devil does describe it really.

I must add that he never, ever been violent in any way or ever made me feel that he might lash out physically to us, not ever, not once".

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
I wondered what his parents were like and not altogether surprisingly you wrote that you believe his late father was abusive. Like father like son. That is what he learnt about relationships from his dad and his mother stayed. Do not make the same mistakes she did.

Your H does not have to physically violent because this does work for him; by doing as he does towards you and in turn his children he has you all completely powerless and submissive to him. That is what he wants; absolute power and control over you all.

Please talk this all through with Womens Aid; they can and will help you here. Coercive control is illegal in law now.

Sounds like my first Husband. It ended in divorce. I am much much happier. 10 years down the line I realised it was emotional abuse. It's about power to control your emotions.
Personally I would leave! You will be far happier.

Thank you. I am angry but his son really loves him a LOT. He'd be devastated if I took him away from his father. I was really shocked when he said that to him

It's interesting that nearly every woman in an abusive relationship says this in one form or another. Some of them come back later on and comment how much happier and more relaxed their kids are with the abuser out of the picture.

Your bloke is a cock who has taken a further step in his abusing by using the kids. Words hurt and your son won't forget being called a retard by his dad. It'll stay with him for a long time.

That's fine I'm sure what he'll get the therapy needed before starting his own family and passing on what he was taught by his parents. I'm sure your daughter won't put up with being abused as you are being... it'll not be normal to her at all.

I really hope your thread puts some chinks in your wall and you see more clearly.