Husband mood swings

[TipsyFairy]

Hi everyone. I'll try and condense this to make it easier to read so please understand if I miss things out.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 children. For most of the time he's loving, works very hard for us and is very generous.

However, he is also very moody and snappy often and sometimes he shuts down completely. Yesterday for example ... my 7 year old son is very very disorganised, has selective hearing and yesterday he did a minor thing wrong and I got cross (a culmination of me being irritated about his absent mindedness) I wasn't shouting or anything but my reaction was, I admit, disproportionate. At this point my husband started to get angry too and was saying "yes yes DS, you're completely retarded. You're an idiot" etc and it went on until my son started to cry. I asked him not to call him that and so he said OK he'd call him an RI instead, meaning retarded idiot. We had to go out and we got in the car and it continued. I snapped and said please stop saying that to him and he then said that to be honest it was me he was annoyed with because I was too cross with DS over this minor thing. I asked why he felt the need to upset DS more and why he hadn't just taken me to one side and say that I was being too heavy handed. He said because he felt it would make me stop (??) and I wouldn't have listened anyway (I think that's unfair - I always take any criticism from him in, listen properly and try to change, especially if it involves the children).

Anyway, he basically ignored me for the rest of the day after he had his outburst in the car, I usually retreat to the utility room when he's in one of these moods and I did most of the outstanding ironing. From time to time I was crying (I know it sounds pathetic but I can't describe how bad it feels when he shuts me out over a minor disagreement) and he came in for something and saw me. He asked why the hell I was crying and I said that when he's like this I feel crushed. At this he burst out laughing a d said scathingly, "crushed! I'd split my sides laughing" and he walked out chuckling. He carried on the silent treatment and we went to bed on bad terms. It continued for the rest of today, Sunday, and in the afternoon he asked what I wanted for tea. I've been dieting recently and really fancied some KFC, so I said KFC please. He walked off wordlessly but we home cook most of the time and he really loves having a take away normally.

Later on he asked my son what he wanted and when he got a reply I heard him say "Hmm maybe I'll make some pasta". I knew this was my 'punishment' so I ignored it and got up to make pasta (to appear unconcerned about the KFC). At this point my daughter (9) said aw can't we have KFC and I said no, daddy would like something home cooked. He then realised his chance of KFC was slipping away and tried to back pedal saying he didn't really mind, but I pushed on with the pasta, knowing that my not coming into the room to ask why we weren't having that would ruin his attempt to upset me. I made the pasta and the 3 of them ate it, with him getting irritable about tiny details. He said "for fucks sake" at least twice under his breath and did these incredibly deep sighs that he does when he's in one of these moods. It's such a deep sigh that even when I'm in another room it turns my heart to hear it.

We eventually went to bed and he said "sleep well" then turned over to sleep. So now I'm in bed typing this in turmoil, while he sleeps deeply.

This is one example. Most of the time he's caring and tells me he loves me several times a day with hugs and kisses but these huge silences happen from time to time (the last one was last weekend, but before that a while ago) although he often (daily) snaps at me for not much, even when things are nice. He's quite stressed with work (we run our own business) and I'll ask a simple question and get a really sharp retort. He has tried to address this though and I now say something like, "Wait, why are you replying like that?" and he'll usually rephrase it to sound less harsh.

It's hard to describe, but I feel totally abandoned during these phases. It's so hard to cope with. In a day or so he'll be poking me and saying something like "don't be moody" and "cmon, love meeee". I always give in because I want things to be nice and if I try to post mortem it too much, it'll lead to a huge silence like this weekend. So I have to just leave it.

But I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I probably start most days that hes home with a lump in my throat because of something he's snapped at me over. An example is that last weekend he did the usual pokey jokey make up thing and I tried to deal with what had happened. So I said that I wanted to be friendly very much but I didn't want him to trivialise what he'd put me through all weekend. He tried a bit more and repeated the trivialise thing to which he suddenly turned from his smiling self, said "prick" and stalked away from me. This prolonged the silent treatment even more, so normally I just accept the attempt to 'make up' but I'm left feeling like crap inside.

It's just that I can never be cross with him for more than a few seconds or it'll turn into something much more, like this weekend. But he feels able to be cross with me whenever he feels like it.

There's no question of an affair and that's certain, I promise you.

He often acknowledges that hes stressy and says he'll change but he never does.

I just feel like walking out and never returning.

I don't know what to do. I'm writing this now because I can't sleep and meanwhile he's sleeping deeply next to me

So sorry for the long post and thank you to anyone who read it all!

[Gallavich]

You're staying for the kids when you should be leaving for the kids. Subjecting them to an abusive childhood is not right.

[Kikikaakaa]

I always kind of hate doing this but I was 'the child' and I think it's easy to have a different perception from your children because you are an adult.

Your love to DH is not unconditional and is romantic love. He is slowly burning this love up with his moods and spite, despite this, you want him to have a realisation about how important your feelings are too.

Your love to the children is unconditional and despite anything they throw at you, you work through it together to make them happy and raise them into happy adults.

Right now IMO you are giving your DH the child love too - he's getting the unconditional love and he's behaving like he is an unruly teenager who is acting out to his mother.

He will actually be teaching the actual children this is how grown ups treat each other, your mother is useless and I don't respect her, she deserves punishment

Whatever childhood atrocity he is re-enacting, mostly he is teaching the next generation how to go about being an angry resentful adult. Great life lesson for your DS. And he's so blinded by his anger and resentment he does not want to be told.

You cannot make him realise your pain by accepting what he throws at you.

[Gallavich]

kiki brilliant post

[Kikikaakaa]

I had that dad sadly.

Him teaching my mum 'lessons' was quite heavily via me, because that was the fastest and best route. By the time i was 14 this was regularly physical violence and vile threats against me, as I tried to stop him treating me and my mum that way: he didn't listen to me either. And I lost all respect for my mother, because she stayed with him. My mum would plead and beg and give in to 'protect' me but didn't leave him which would have been the best protection.

Your DH has zero qualms bringing his child into the foray to be a little pawn in his war on gaining control over you. Soon you will be doing anything you can to prevent Mount DH erupting to 'protect' the children who love him so much.

Love doesn't grow in climates of fear - it dies. Myself and many other people on here will tell you that child - parent love CAN die. Children don't give birth to their parents, it is not the same feeling that you have towards them. It just isn't, it's different and he is already killing it, all by himself

[frieda909]

I'm another who's been through this. I was with him for nine years and all that time I kept thinking that things would get better, but they never did. I'm now in a new relationship with a wonderful man and ohhhh my god, the difference! It's so calm and easy, and that constant knot in my stomach I didn't even realise I had is gone. I still ask myself on pretty much a daily basis, 'why did I put up with that for so long?'

Look, the thing is, EVERY woman in that situation will tell you 'he's lovely most of the time but...' Just read a few threads on here and you'll see that everywhere. But it's all part of the same cycle. If the men were utter jerks 100% of the time, we wouldn't put up with it. But those moments where he's kind and loving are what keep us on the hook, doubting ourselves.

Also, when you're so worn down you end up feeling grateful for the tiniest scraps. You tell yourself he's being 'amazing' and loving when all he's really doing is dialling back the abuse a tad. It got to the point where if my ex went even one day without calling me a cunt, or 'allowed' me to go to bed when I wanted for once, then I'd feel pathetically grateful and think 'see, he isn't so bad after all!'

I'm not going to say LTB, but I think you need to raise your expectations of what a good, loving partnership should feel like, and make it very clear to him that you will no longer be putting up with any less than you deserve.

[troodiedoo]

My husband can be a tad sulky at times so I was interested to read your post and the comments. However I'm blown away by his petulant and manipulative behaviour.

Unless he can acknowledge and find better ways to cope with stress and deal with everyday situations, it's just going to get worse for you.

Hope you can find a way forward, you sound lovely

[JoJoSM2]

I think you played his game exactly with the pasta - you completely disregarded what you wanted and cooked something you dislike because of the slightest hint from him. Completely manipulated. In a healthy household, you'd discuss it and decide to say have either pasta or KFC that night and the other dish the next day. No one would sulk or be rude over it.

[TipsyFairy]

I've read ALL your posts and am grateful for every one of them - much of what you say I really wholeheartedly agree with and that's why I was moved to write the post in the first place, because I needed to know what others thought.

Can I please just add something - which I think I'll be flamed for but I want to add some balance into this. That doesn't mean I'm making excuses for his behaviour at all or minimising it, I'm not or I would never have written the post asking for opinions.

However, he's not controlling with money at all, he earns all of the money and I can spend what I like and I'm the one who does all the finances. He always asks me before he buys anything which is more than a cup of coffee or a lunch, I don't ask that he does but he does because I deal with the bank accounts. He has no idea what I buy and never, ever asks. He's incredibly generous to us all and will spend everything he has on us but barely ever spends anything on himself and the same goes for other people like teachers and friends, he always likes me to treat people who have been helpful or kind to us or who are in a bad situation. He encourages nice presents for teachers that the children like.

Also, he plays with the children a lot. My son loves Nerf guns and he'll go outside for hours and they play war for ages. They watch slapstick videos (the ones where people fall into swimming pools etc) and scream with laughter. It's not my sense of humour, but it makes me laugh just looking at it. He has a Minecraft account so they can play together and he'll do that even when he's tired from work because he wants to please him. My daughter always wants to go with him anywhere whenever he leaves the house for instance if he goes to get cooking ingredients or things we've forgotten from the shopping, she enjoys sitting in the car and she likes chatting to just him. He takes them to the cinema a lot. I know these are all normal things to do and he doesn't deserve a medal, but I add this to show how he's not a monster ALL the time and is mostly normal. He comes home early from work to watch every match or assembly the children are in and that's not to impress other parents because he goes out of his way not to get into conversations (that's not his moodiness, I'm the same, we don't like small talk) and we slip away as soon as we can.

I'm not adding this to excuse his behaviour at all, but to show that there is a balance other than a snarling controlling beast prowling around, as I think is the impression I've given.

The children aren't at all afraid of him.

Mostly he's lovely, that's what makes the weird episodes so odd. They just come out of nowhere. I messaged him this morning saying that he was an abuser and I put the reverse story to him as a poster suggested, ie, how gobsmacked would he be if I did the same for a tiny thing he did 'wrong' I said "You're an abusive cunt and if I could leave I would". His initial reply was "You're always so happy to suggest leaving" to which I replied "Yep. My fault again. Abusive twister". He then replied with "I really don't mean to be abusive...." That's about the first time he hasn't actually blamed me for it. Maybe he's thinking about it, I don't know.

JoJoSM2 I didn't play the game, I turned it back on him. He didn't want pasta at all but he ended up having to eat it lol. He wanted the KFC for definite but he wanted me to feel disappointed when he suggested pasta lol, idiot. He was making a show of looking in the cupboards because he often cooks in the evening, hence why I leapt up because I wanted to show him that, yes pasta was fine with me and I got determined that he wasn't going to end up getting KFC after trying to get a reaction from me about it, so I wanted to start making the food before he had a chance to backpedal and get KFC after all haha. He did try, he started saying 'oh well, I'm happy for the children to have what they want ...' because he realised his 'punishment' had backfired, I wasn't going to rise to his bait and suggest KFC again as he'd expected and so he ended up eating pasta when I KNEW he didn't really want it. Small victory, but it made me laugh watching him eat the fruits of his crappy behaviour and I managed to keep on my diet anyway, which is going well.

Thanks again everyone, I really am reading and taking in everything you say :)

[Adora10]

OP, I think you've become so used to his bullying ways you're kinda in a state of submissiveness as it's easier than standing up to him.

He called your son an Idiot Retard; I just can't get past that, and that was to punish you and not your son - your relationship sounds fucked up OP; it all sounds like any excuse and he will use to put you down and make you feel shit; I mean laughing at you crying; that says it all.

Up to you, no idea why you would want to be in a relationship with such a horrible person.

Your son will be find if you separated, just like thousands of other kids are.

It's his treatment of you that I find most shocking, this is the model you are showing your kids is normal, it isn't.

He's got you exactly where he wants you; in fear of his moods, this is how he likes it, but do you, really?

[gamerchick]

I know you would like to think it's balance but it's not really. In fact it's going to be more of a headfuck when your husband goes from super dad to calling your bairn a retard to get at you

It does seem you're going to be in limbo for a while so a quiet, firm conversation out of earshot of the kids of a clear line in the sand if he ever ever uses the kids like that again it's game over and stick to it.

It's good you have all access to the money. Sort out a running away fund, you may never have to use it but it'll be a comfort it just being there.

[TipsyFairy]

OP, I think you've become so used to his bullying ways you're kinda in a state of submissiveness as it's easier than standing up to him I think this is right.

Gamerchick I think I will really insist that we speak seriously and I'll say that.

I thought of something else that happened on that car journey, on the way back I remarked that I thought a road we needed was closed and we might need to 'go the other way around'. He said quietly, 'well we'll see'. I was pretty sure it was closed, but I didn't want to push it because he'd have turned the car around in a huff, we'd have gone an alternative way and he'd have complained all the way about the extra traffic etc etc and we'd never have even known if I was right or not.

Anyway, the road was closed and he'd chosen not to heed my warning. To my amazement he turned to me and said 'Why the fuck didn't you tell me?? I told him about 1 minute before, so I said amazed 'I did!!!!!' to this his reply was 'Well not forcefully enough!'

He was then cross all the way while we were herded somewhere we didn't want to be.

[gamerchick]

The kids were in the car as well?

[JoJoSM2]

You won't get flamed for what you say. It's good that he isn't financially controlling too. With your son, though, don't kid yourself - it's probably the same as with you - one day he might be nice but another he will be abuse and completely nasty (eg calling his son a RI) - it really isn't fair on him.

And frankly, the emotional abuse is a deal breaker regardless of whatever good there is about him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Tipsy,

Now we have gone back to the calm part of the abuse cycle; it will not last and he will kick off again soon enough either at you or the children again. You would like to think that they are not afraid of him but you kid yourself. They have likely become very responsible and compliant around him as are you so as not to set him off. They see your reactions and copy/react accordingly.

He may talk the talk but he does not walk the walk does he. He knows but he does not care. The nice things he does do with your children is pretty much standard anyway. Abusive people can be "nice" sometimes and "nice" long enough to keep their victims (that plural is deliberate) in the relationship. He is messing with all your heads.

It makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up?. What did you learn?.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Re the car journey:-

He blames you for his anger as well as any other behaviour that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. He then tells you their anger and misbehaviour would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behaviour. These men never takes personal responsibility for their behaviour - it's always the fault of someone else in this case you.

[pudding21]

OP: I left a EA relationship 5 weeks ago, he has anger and anxiety issues. Everything had been directed at me, but he was always very milatary style with the kids. However more recently, he was being insulting to my eldest in particular. He can't seem to put his point across in a disagreement without making it personal. Its horrible. He called my 9 year old a "fat pig" at Xmas (because he ate some chocolate without asking). It was one of the straws that broke the camels back amongst others. I got blamed for everything in life that didn't go according to plan, walked on egg shells etc. It won't get better, it will only get worse. If your self esteem isn't already in your boots, find a way to process all of this in your head and have a plan. It took me three years of pure unhappiness, 7 months of thinking I was leaving just waiting for the "right" time and I did it. While I still feel very guilty, for me and my kids sake I had to go. The last few years have left a mark on me, I am shell of the person i was when I was younger in a way, but I am getting there day by day. You start to question every action you do and whether it will cause anger or upset in your partner. You loose your autonomy. Its horrible.

Keep posting and writing it down, it helps to return to when you are in the calm phase of the cycle

[Adora10]

I can tell you one thing OP, calling your son an idiot retard will stay with him forever; he will never forget that; it will be affecting his self esteem, not just now, but forever!

So fuck the good times; address why your husband thinks it's ok to abuse your son, deal with that and stop pretending the rest of the time he's dad no 1, clearly he is not if he can utter those words from his mouth, it makes me sick.

[Naicehamshop]

I'd just like to add something.

I was a child with a similar father to your dh. When I realised that my parent's marriage was in trouble, I felt absolutely desperate for them to stay together. And yet, I didn't really like my father all that much; I was terrified of his rages and only really relaxed when he was out of the house. But for a child, the lack of security is a difficult thing to cope with and many children will do everything they can to keep their parents marriage together.

When they finally split up, I was terribly upset, but it didn't take long for me to realise that things were a lot better without him, and after a year or so I was able to clearly see that it was the best thing that could have happened for everyone. I even - eventually - managed to develop a better relationship with my father.

What I am trying to say is that children hate change, but once it has happened they will survive and grow and flourish without all this anger and negativity.

[Adora10]

Children are far more accepting, resilient and open to change than adults are; they do not question everything if it's put to them in an understandable and calm way.

[TipsyFairy]

Thanks for the replies, I will answer more fully when I can, its obviously the after school witching hour now .

By the way, he's just come home and is all jolly after I called him an emotionally abusive cunt by message earlier. He's all fine and expects me to be fine too and right now I don't want to rock the boat while the children are awake.

I did say 'no its not all fine now' and he said 'oh come on you're to blame too', exactly as posters have predicted.

I'll be back as soon as I can, thank you all once again, I really do value ALL your help! :)

And yes my son was in the car earlier, but he was asleep thankfully!

[Adora10]

I am still so angry at him calling your son a retard and an idiot; to his face too, fuming!

[Adora10]

Pathetic game playing over pasta and KFC just to keep you all on your toes; the man's a fucken disgrace.

[frieda909]

I did say 'no its not all fine now' and he said 'oh come on you're to blame too', exactly as posters have predicted.

Yep, all sounds incredibly familiar. My ex would always pull that one. Verbal abuse, massive three-day sulks and then once he decided he wanted to be pally again it would just be 'oh we're both to blame so let's just forget it, yeah?' And maybe a cursory 'sorry' which I was expected to echo.

What will happen now is that you'll be expected to just forget all about it. If you don't, you'll be accused of being unreasonable, dragging it out, never being able to leave anything, always looking for a fight etc etc.

[frieda909]

And then he will use THAT as an excuse to start up the abuse all over again. You will be told, you had your chance, things could have been nice between us again, but you ruined it.

[redstep]

@Gallavich sarcasm