Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL, SIL and my wedding, revisited...

14 replies

Chandra · 06/03/2007 00:40

So I was there, trying a lovely sari I have wondering if I would be brave enough to wear it to a wedding in Spain, so I said to DH... wonder how far would your mother go into criticising me for wearing this to your sister's wedding. DH answered she would criticise me whatever I did, and then proceeded to inform me that MIL was very worried that DS (4) was not going to be dressed up to standard because the girls in the groom's side of the family were all going to dress like little princesses and she didn't want DS to be less than them.

My first thought was to tell him that MIL should roll the invitation of the wedding into a roll and stick it right were the sun doesn't shine.

But then...

When I got married, MIL finally revealed herself as the racist she is with her worries about me and my family acting and dressing "up to the standard required for a Spanish wedding". She knew I had got my dress and my family was ready, but that didn't stop her from dragging me into bridal shops to try to convince to get a Spanish dress as mine "might not be suitable", she also pestered me about my mother and sister's dresses being good enough and if my father was going to be well presented.

The day of the wedding came and I have to say the only persons who were not dressing up to standard (any standard) were MIL with an everyday dress and SIL with a white one. I'm really not bothered about people dress choices but after being pestered with the topic so rudely and for so long I couldn't help getting angry about them finding a bit of dust in everyone else's eyes without noticing about the column they had on theirs. Although I have to say that MIL loved my dress when she finally saw it (although complained it didn't suit the flowers she had chosen for the church), and that she regreted not getting a dress as formal as my mother's as she felt she was not well dressed enough. But even when she admited we were fine, the pre wedding process was a true calvary, and even at the reception she didn't stop...she was unhappy about everything and when my parents tryed to ease things up they were so offensively rebuffed that I think neither of us had a good time, we were happy because...we were happy of getting married but we woke the day afterwards thinking that we had made fools of our ourselves which in reality was far from being the case. I so much wish we had never sat her near us or my family.

So, in preparation for the incoming wedding she is already gearing up... I'm only going to it not to rock the boat further, although I wonder if we would finally sink the boat at trying to stop it rocking

Would it be too bad not to bring DS with us? to be honest I would preffer him not to come, he is shy in unfamiliar places and with big new groups of people and, SIL and MIL had decided he is the one to carry the rings (he will panic at the sight of so many eyes looking at him and I'm sure he is just going to freeze and refuse to move ). It has take me ages to convince them that I need to bring DS's food as I can not expect a poor chef being able to deal with all the floritures and requirements of DS's multiple food allergies. So definitively, I would like to spare him the night.

I really hate the thought of going to the wedding, I'm even having nightmares at night, is there any decent way to get out of it? I don't fancy the idea to be up for more criticisism when DH and I are not exactly going through a good time, but surely, is it going along with DS my only option?

OP posts:
Chandra · 06/03/2007 00:42

Sorry, long but at least I took it out of my chest!

OP posts:
Chandra · 06/03/2007 00:52

Oh, and the idea of not bringing DS to the wedding is just because I would get ballistic if MIL and SIL dare to criticise this kind little person who is the centre of my whole existance.

I understand every parent is up for critics at some point or another, but it's the persons this criticism may come from the thing I can't stand to.

OP posts:
Chandra · 06/03/2007 00:55

The Chandra monologues

I'll better leave before I start answering to myself!

OP posts:
Ivor · 06/03/2007 01:22

Hi Chandra, I don't have an answer or any advice as I'm lucky enough to live 3000 miles away from my in-laws
Have you tried talking it over with your DH? It's no good you worrying yourself silly, you'll make it worse than it all ready is.
If I were you I think I would try to get DH to be more involved as after all they are his family, and may-be is your DS does'nt go to the wedding it will give you a good reason to leave early?
I really hope you can work out a solution I'm just sorry I can't be of any more use

mum2sam · 06/03/2007 10:31

hiya chandra, know how you are feeling. Im hoping i get struck down with food poisioning or run over by a bus so i dont have to go to my sil's.What does your dh say about your son not going? I would personally not listen to your mil if all she did was critisise. Talk to her be polite but soon as she starts make an excuse to exit the conversation. Im getting to the point where i give up trying to please as they will never be happy. So you just as well do what suits you best or you will just end up feeling bitter and resentful.

RosaLuxembourg · 06/03/2007 12:15

How old is your DS Chandra? DD1 was bridesmaid at SIL's wedding when she was two. She got to the church door and refused to set foot inside (I had warned SIL that this would happen) so I spent the wedding wandering round the churchyard with her and the wedding reception playing hide and seek with her in the garden. I did not mind as it was a good excuse not to talk to anyone else. I would say it should be your call whether DS goes or not, if he kicks off you will be the one dealing with it.

BuffysMum · 06/03/2007 12:26

If your dh will support you don't take ds and forewarn the bride. Be honest - ds won't enjoy it I think he refuse to do it at the big moment and have a paddy about it, I do not want that to spoil your special moment.

Your MIL sounds like she will criticise whatever you do so I'd spare yourself and yor ds the flak.

Will your dh agree to ds not going.

Other than that lie - night before he's not well I don't think he's going to be able to come?

slug · 06/03/2007 12:36

If you go, please wear the sari. They always look stunning IMHO.

I would be tempted to dress your ds up in traditional Asian dress just to get under you MIL's skin. She might baulk at the thought of him carrying the rings then

As the food, well of course you have to provide your own. His health comes before anything else.

Again, because I have an evil streak in me, I would be tempted to teach your son some choice phrases (as in Father Ted and the "That would be an ecumenical matter") for every time either the evil MIL or SIL makes a comment. Something along the lines of "Mummy, is she being rude and racist again?"

bubblymummy · 06/03/2007 13:16

Wear you're loveliest sari - you're meant to be going as you. Don't let DS be bullied into taking part and ensure the chef has clear instructions on what he can eat. If not - bring your own. If, on the other hand DS won't have anyone to play with just be firm with inlaws and say he's not coming.

Pretty sure MIL will ignore you as she'll be running round ensuring that her DD has the most superb wedding.

Quite a few of us have MILS of that calibre and I, for one, enjoy watching mine run around making a complete idiot of herself.

Do not let this woman get to you!

Chandra · 06/03/2007 23:14

Thanks Ivor, you really have a point when saying that worrying so much about it would only make the things worse. I really don't know if worrying is a defensive mechanism, after all I have tried to forgive and act as if nothing had happened just to be offended again and again. I have spoke a lot about this with DH, we have spent hours in RElate talking about this... and the problem never goes. I know things are not going to be different this time, they never are... but wonder what is worse, to call for a problem for not going or just going knowing I'm going to be in problems anyway...

Mum2sam... I have been considering that option.

Rosaluxembourg,
"I did not mind as it was a good excuse not to talk to anyone else" Excellent point! definitively a good option to pursue to disapear at some point. However, I have noticed that in Spanish weddings food plays an all important part and long menus (probably 7-8 courses) for weddings is not unusual, which means I will need to be sitting at the same table as my SIL, he mother and her new ILS for at least 2 hours!

Slug,
The sari thing may be a bit confusing... I have a fasination for India (hence nickname and sari ownership ) The sari is beautiful, it's a party sari with plenty of embroidery etc. I wouldn't hesitate taking it to any other wedding but considering my MIL has asked me to pretend I'm Spanish to stop embarrasing her, wonder how she will take it to have her DIL showing up to this highly provenzal wedding in a such a particularly non Spanish fashion... I might dress DS as a little Aztec though , that will get her going!

Bubblymummy, I have begged to the Universe to be ignored/forgotten by MIL but it never happens that way, never. But I will keep your comment, about enjoying seeing MIL run around making an idiot of herself, in my mind. perhaps I should try to find the amusing part in all this mess

I have spoke to DH today and said I was not going, that it's about time that MIL accepts us for what we are rather than trying to make us fit into her expectations. I said I wanted to ring her and tell her that we (DS and I) are not going because her worries of us "not looking up to standard" only show us that she doesn't considers us good enough. DH has just told me he didn't feel like speaking about that and went to sleep.

OP posts:
mum2sam · 07/03/2007 11:14

aww chandra, does your dh not stick up for you? You cant change who you are for other people. Why do men just burry their head in the sand and leave the women to it. My dp was exactly the same he is only just proving himself now.Whta does your dp say about these racist commentS? Mil wants you to pretend to be spanish so you dont embarress her my god that is an awful thing to say to you.I dont think i would want to go at all.

1sue1 · 07/03/2007 13:30

If I were you I would not go. I learnt long ago not to please other people(who never appreciate it anyway) when its something I really do not want to do.

AnneJones · 07/03/2007 14:56

Would your DH be hurt if you didn't go?

I often find myself having to do things I don't want for the sake of the people who matter to me. Could you talk it through with him?

Chandra · 08/03/2007 23:02

Thanks for your replies. Not much news, H is evading the topic at all costs, I'm geting more and more convinced that it will be better not to go.

Mum2sam, he is now, sticking up for me after years and years of misery, unfortunately this came late and still not very effective.

AnneJones, he will, but... he has not cared much about how I felt at being the target of such behaviour, perhaps is time to take care of myself as he can not do it

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread