Non Baby Friends..Does it work???

[Juliehafrancis]

Sorry a bit of a rant but Im feeling a little fed up and would really like your opinions on this matter.

Had my two oldest friends over today and I am getting so upset everytime I see them.
My friend Nicola doesn't seem to interested in Briony unless she can say her name (and she won't because she doesn't see her often enough and when she does doesn't really play with her) which personally I get really angry about it especially as she is now a godmother. I can't understand how someone can be like that with your supposedly best friend daughter.
Sarah my other friend is not so bad..she will play with Briony a bit but acts so childish most the time and will go off in a sulk after about an hour of being with us. She was critiscing me a bit the other day as well saying she wouldn't let Briony get away with not eating much in the way of vegetables and said it would be different with her children..I tried to talk to her and explain my views i,e that if I force briony to do something it will make it ten times worse as she is so stubborn so now I just try to offer it to her and if she doesn't eat it I don't make a fuss. I do think she has an average diet she will eat on a regular basis:
Banana's and cereal every breakfast
Fruit flakes with yogurt as a snack mid morning
Pitta bread or wholemeal bread with either tuna, chicken, smoked salmon and cheese
Loads and loads of cucumber
cartons of apple juice
sticks of carrot and raisins
Cheese omelette, home made meatballs, fish pies, chicken pies, spagetti with different sauces and so on...do you think she is not eating the right stuff? Am I just a crap mother?! LOL

Also my birthday is coming up..next monday in fact and I am going out for a girly night with my friends...70 % being friends with children and then Sarah, Nicola and my other friend Lisa who I have no problem with...Anyway I am starting to get really worried about it all being awkward as I know Nicola and Sarah just won't make conversation where as all my mummy friends are really chatty but a lot older as I am only 22.

I think to be honest a lot to do with it is age..I know I am only 22 but I had to grow up quickly when I was a child and I know I see life quite differently than them..i.e I don't really enjoy clubbing etc anymore and would much rather go out for a nice meal or to the cinema and they sometimes get shitty when I don't reply to a text within an hour..they don't understand that Briony is my priority and not a bloody text message! I also find I really have nothing in common with them anymore and everytime I see them we always talk about the same stuff we did the last time.

What do you think guys? Does it work, should I give it time? Or should I just give up?

Thanx for getting to the bottom of this..hope I haven't sent you to sleep! Would be interested to hear what you all think..

Thanx,

Jules xox

If your friends are only 22 too, you can forgive them for not really being interested in a child yet. I know that I wasn't. The thing is, they are friends with YOU, not your dd. It is normal for them to be a bit disappointed in the fact that you have higher priorities than them now. Having said that, if they are truly your friends, they will try to be accepting of the 'new' you.

Maybe you should expect less of them, and only see them on nights out? Do you enjoy going to the cinema or eating out? It doesn't have to be all clubbing.

PS I wish my ds ate as well as your dd! You sound a fab friend and mother.

Hiya Jules. (Would your birthday be 5th Jult then? 'Cos that's mine too! I'm a bit older though...) In the first place, I think your doing brilliantly with your dd's food. I don't know how old she is, but it sounds good from where I'm standing with the various food stand-offs that I have with my 3 (5, 3 and 1).

It is really difficult to maintain friendships with your pre-children friends when they don't have any. Me and dh have lost loads by the wayside. But if they can's adjust to the new 'you + child' then maybe they're not much loss(?). Your dd comes first, end of story. They have to deal with that. You can't make people be interested in your children and I know it's hurtful when your friends 'blank' your little darling (been there!) but, a bit like getting married, having children is one of those seismic shifts in your life that can create a gulf between you and other who were part of your 'before' life. Can you tell your friends how you feel? How you want them to be a positive part of your child's life (and your) but they have to accept that your priorities are different now?

You shouldn't feel uncomfortable about going out for your birthday - it's your night after all. The focus will be on you as you (IYSWIM) not you-as-mother, so the problem probably won'y be obvious. If there seems to be a problem, stay with who your comfortable with. If your friends can't accept you for who you are now (a mother) then just how good friends are they?

Good luck. xxx

I went through a bit of a similar period with a couple of my childless friends, and even now sometimes they don't really understand how much the kids are a priority.

I do think in your case though, that your friends are being immature and selfish by not speaking to your 'mummy' friends, and not paying much attention to your daughter. And if it's gotten to the point where you're worried about a night out with them, maybe you should reconsider whether you want them to go out with you.

I'm young too, so I know how you feel. Hope you can sort it out.

Oh yeah, forgot to say, you sound like a great mum (and friend) and your dd is eating better than any of mine do.

hi Jules,
I had DD at 22 and apart from one very good friend who had her DD at 19 none of my original (i.e.from school)friends have kids/are in any way in settled relationships.

i have a few mummy friends (but very few since we moved) and i feel stuck in limbo sometimes. I have mainly lost contact with friends from Uni (had DD in my final year) but friends from school/college have stayed in touch. I've just taken it to mean that I didn't have taht much of a real "friendship" with the uni friends after all.

I think you need to go easier on your non-mummy friends too. Not everyone goes ga-ga about babies and I think it can be a bit strange seeing your mate in full-on mummy mode. My bf has confessed that after my wedding (when I was heavily pregnant) 6 of my mates sat round a table in a bar in stupefied silence as they finally had to accept that I was "serious" about settling down etc.