Am I really hard work - or is DH BU?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

DH and I have a very loving and close relationship and he is a SUPER dad. We do not have real problems.

But.... we have very different approaches to admin/ sorting things out, and recently we have been clashing in stuff. I don't know which of us is right. I always want to plan in advance and double check things, but he thinks this is controlling.

Eg: we are going to NY soon. We have not been able to afford a foreign holiday since 2009 and DH has never been to the US. So this is a big deal. Therefore I want to make sure everything goes smoothly. I renewed my and DD passports before Xmas. DH wanted to wait to do his as "it only takes a week or so". My attitiude was, the passport office says to allow 6 weeks before you travel, and also of course sometimes things go wrong. So why not do it as early as poss?

Or, when we booked the flights, we booked seats but they could not send us confirmation. We had to ring the airline recently and I said to DH why didn't he just double check our seats? He refused as.he said we had already asked. I thought, but we have nothing written, people make msitakes, and you're on the phone to them anyway! In fact, I figured out how to check our reservation online subsequently and we are sat close to but not next to each other.

Writing this down, I feel like I abu, but I do find DH refusal to check or do things in advance really stressful!

You need to be more assertive, he needs to grow up & act like a husband & father instead of a bachelor.

With the passports, I'd have said 'Don't be bloody ridiculous. They could take ages & you not having yours would cause a problem for me & a disappointment for DD. Any time left will be added to your new one, so just do it now'.

With the swimming I'd have said 'You NEED to get DD there by x. You are upsetting DD (if it does) & it is really rude. It's not YOUR class, it's DD's, have the decency to get there before the class starts'.

With the flight seats 'Our seats are blah blah. Do you really think that's ideal with a 2 year old. THIS is why I asked you to check.'

'No. I do NOT LIKE organising you, but FFS you need to start acting like a husband & father not a bloody single bloke with no one else to consider'.

Me and my DH are the same.
But actually its reflected in our jobs, families etc.
My job involves lots of planning, sorting out problems, and anticipating what will go wrong, as well as managing lots of people. DHs job involves him doing what he needs to do by deadlines, and he is always last minute.

My side of the family are all organisers, double checkers , pedants . His are laid back, just-in-time-ers. Our DS has ended up like me, and DD is a total scatterbrain.

Over the years we have found coping mechanisms. E.g. for birthdays I'll sort all the little presents and details, and he'll source the main present. For holidays, he sorts car, 'outside stuff' (bikes etc ) and food, I'll do most of the packing.

Unfortunately as he's become more organised, I've become even more so, so there is still a gap in approach. I know I get stressed before holidays and get very finickey, and at some point the 'nag' word may be used and cause cross words, But I always get a thanks once we're on our way, and an acknowledgement of how my attention to detail hasbeen important (normally when DH has a panic that he's forgotten something, and realises I've packed it!)

I have plenty of friends where both partners are laid back, and I wonder how anything gets done. But it does, although usually last minute or late. However, I envy them as they always seem much less stressed than me! And I know I'd drive them mad....

PotteringAong. Genuine question. Why?

He's likely not to get his passport in time to go in a family holiday

He has no consideration for their DD or the teacher at swimming

His inability to check the seats as asked means they're not sitting with their 2 year old on a flight.

Why is wanting those things sorted out a problem?

So what has happened when he has neglected to do something and it's gone tits up? What has happened on those occasions where he has failed to plan and organise? This came up in my cbt and it was fascinating.

On a separate subject you do know you need to do ESTAs for the US with the passport that you have, which you should do a certain amount of time in advance

A friend got divorced due to it, he realised on the day they were due to go on holiday his passport had run out and it was the final straw.

Attila thanks for the huffpost blog link - really fascinating.

Fate the problem with that is, we would be late. DH would do his bit but so that we would arrive 5-10-15 mins late. He would say it is fine as people are often late. I would feel stressed.

Does he care that you are stressed?
Does he like to see you stressed?

If he doesn't give a shit and is indifferent to your stress, then there are bigger problems in your relationship.

My husband hates to see me stressed. He doesn't want me to get stressed - both because he loves and cared for me and also because me being stressed is unpleasant for him. I "flap" when we are rushed. I get snappy and horrible and it's not nice for anyone, especially my husband.

So in a conversation in preparation for swimming (or whatever) we would agree the time frames. "We", not me, we together would agree and compromise ahead of time. We would together agree what time we ideally want to leave. We would also agree a time we must not leave later than. I would need to be happy leaving at the "no later than time...". If that is a time I consider late, we need to agree a different ideal and no-later-than times. I then have no grounds to get pissed off until the "not later than" time has passed. He has a time to aim for, with some leeway.

I would start giving time warnings to the family (my children need this) at 10 minutes before we want to leave. 5 minutes. Then at the 'ideal' time I'd get the kids into the car. This is a process that can take 5 minutes anyway. As long as the car leaves before the "no later than..." time that we both agreed to, all is fine.

If we don't leave on time, we would have a discussion about that at the nearest convenience. I would express how pissed off I was. We do the grown up thing of listening and understanding the other persons point of view. Then agree if we need a different approach next time, or if time as a one-off with understandable reasons.

I think your DH is being a dick!

I'm like you, DH is like your DH. We accept that we are both very different people.

He understands that I'm like I am because I'd be very anxious if I wasn't organised and diligent, I understand he's never anxious and tag as things rarely go wrong he doesn't feel the need to give himself extra work.

He doesn't see me as controlling, I don't think that he's uncaring. We appreciate we are just different, not better than each other.

The great thing is that we make a good team. I prevent most issues and help us get best value, he's the best person I know at dealing with problems and the unexpected.

" he stormed off, made a big drama out of it and ended up arguing with an automated voice system"

!!!! adults do this?!

posters saying he's not that bad - he wanted to do the passports a week before. it's bad.

In all honesty you would both do my head in! I can't bear every iota of everything being too organised and I despise being nagged. I also can't bear adults who can't do simple things for themselves.

I don't know OP I had an ex like that and to be honest it's not as much about the behaviour itself but how it comes across. IMO it is just patronising and a bit like you're showing off some superiority / highlighting his incompetence. My ex would be double and triple checking things because (in hindsight) he was very uneasy with risk and uncertainty whereas I like to embrace it (part of the whole adventure!)

Have you got your ESTA's ????????

They took us ages to get ........

My ESTA took about 10 minutes online.

It still doesn't mean it's a good idea to leave it until the last minute.

Dp thought he had done the ESTAs for myself and 2 dc. He has one as he goes to the US at least once per month. Suddenly realised a couple of hours before we set off. Did mine on line. That came through. Did dds. That was fine. Did ds aged 9 and the computer said hang on we are thinking about it.
It does say you should leave more time than the morning of your flight.
Fortunately it came through on the last refresh before we left for the airport.

Don't leave it to the last minute

It sounds like he is the one that is "hard work" (even though you are doing all of the hard work -a bit ironic that!)

Does he secretly not want to go on this trip? He seems to be sabotaging the plans by waiting to do the passport. If things don't go smoothly, do you get an ear full about it (meaning he blames you)?